Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers

 Hello and Welcome to Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers

I am Aunty Doris Gunston and I will be taking care of all your internet stock photo retouching needs here on this fine sunny day in downtown suburban Wollongong.

My actual photo, not an internet
stock photo, you fucken drongo.

Do you have some old internet stock photos that are in desperate need of retouching? Are some of those perfect model families starting to look a bit tired around the edges? The staged smiles of painstakingly happy granddads lilting a bit at the corners? Then you are in the right place, you dickhead!

To follow are just a few “before and after” shots of stock photos we have retouched here at Gu NO GENE, for the last fuckign time I WILL NOT be penciling in ANY more comically-oversized dog dicks into your stray dog rooting scrapbook compendium. We are NOT having the fucken SPCA coming around here again I am so sorry about that, now, where was I, oh yes, some fine examples of work we have done retouching customers treasured internet stock photos:

Before:

After:

Yes, that’s right we turned the stupid toothy hag at the top into Raylene fucken Gunston! Wayne’s fucken wife! Stupid blind Wayne didn’t even notice his wife was 78 years old for the first 18 months then he just said fuckit, she’ll do.

Google SPONSOR:

Before:

What the fuck is this? It doesnt even look real. What camera did they use, a fucken Daewoo MK 00 fucken 1? 

After:

Fixed that shit right up. Just look at the resolution now! Another success story for Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers.

Google SPONSOR:

Before:

Yeah right. Just milliseconds before Dad snaps and kills the whole fucken lot of them and heads straight to the fucken pub. Let’s fix that shit right up.

After:

Way better. Way more realistic. Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers. Fixing photos AND saving lives.

Google SPONSOR:

Before:

FFS. What a mess. This affirmative action bollocks photo is literally on its last legs.

After:

A dab here, a splat there and we are back in the real world! With Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers!

Before:

OMG it’s just so tired and hackneyed and tired and miserable and tired and flat-out fucken desperate. Please Aunty Doris, you say, please can you please weave your retouching magic and rid this photo of its pleading bum-clasping desperation? 

Sure!

After:

A far more realistic representation of a real workplace.

Before:

After:

The more discerning among you, given time, may just be able to spot the retouching that has taken place in Photo 2. Don’t be embarrassed if you cannot spot the difference between either photo! You are not a trained professional!

Righto, if all that doesn’t convince you to overhaul your shitty sad collection of internet stock photos then nothing will. Operators are standing by. Their names are Wayne, Gene, and Trevor. Please speak very, VERY slowly on the telephone.

Good-o.

-Aunty Doris Gunston.