Australia Sell France Another Submarine

--Sydney Morning Herald-

Australia has sold France yet another submarine. "Yeah mate, 55 billion for this one, payment in advance Pierre, you fucken cunt" said lead engineer Trevor Gunston of the Gunston Heavy Industries Consortium. 

"This fat cunt comes fitted with 12 of the biggest fucken speakers you've ever seen in your whole bloody life" continued Mr Gunston. "And cos' you'll be out in the middle of the ocean with no neighbours to disturb, you can crank those massive cunts as loud as you fucking like!"

Le HMS Gunston Decibellator.

"This is going to be the LOUDEST submarine in the whole fucken ocean. Guaranteed. GUNSTON FUCKEN GAURANTEE, Pierre."

"But Mr Trevor... we don't want our submarine to be noisy. We want it to be qui..."

"Would you frog cunts please just fucken lighten up a bit? There's no neighbours out in the middle of the ocean to disturb. Just enjoy the sun and surf and crank some tunes".

"Mr Gunston, how do the speakers work once submerged underwater, won't the water ruin the spea

"Uhh, cheque's cleared, no refunds, thanks Pierre, pleasure doing business with ya as always"

Australia To Provide France With Submarine.

--Wollongong Gazette--

Following Australia bailing on a submarine contract with France worth $66 billion last week, a local Wollongong firm of contractors have stepped in to fill the breach.

"Yeah we'll do you froggy wankers a fucken submarine" said consortium spokesman Mr Trevor Gunston. "But it'll cost ya. Price was 66 billion? Gone up to 70 bill now. Payment in advance, you crying escargoted cunts. No fucken refunds either. Here's the blueprint": 

Le Gunston Nautilus Rainbow Warrior 2000.

"Excuse me Mr Trevor but isn't that just a picture of an old car exhaust pipe?" 

"Nah mate. Fucken submarine". 

"Then why does it have holes in both ends?" 

"They're called portholes, you drongo. For advanced seafaring. How else are you going to see where you're bloody going? You need to have a window in the front mate. Or else you'll bloody crash. Jesus. Do I really have to explain this shit to you? You sure you know how to drive one of these fucken things? Righto Pierre, thanks cunt, cheque's cleared, no fucken refunds mate".

Wollongong man sought for questioning over permit-less gravedigger.

 –Wollongong Gazette–

Local man Mr Trevor Gunston is being sought for questioning over his operation of a homemade gravedigging machine. The apparatus is assembled entirely from parts believed to have been stolen from Wollongong’s seven Home Centre branches over the course of the last 10 months.

The machine (pictured below) weighs 400 million tonnes and can dig graves at the rate of 280,000 an hour.

“At that rate I can bury every cunt in this shithole town in under ten fucken minutes…”
–Mr Gunston, overheard mumbling as he wandered around the enormous apparatii in search of the machine’s cockpit.

While attempting to cross State Highway 12 (above), Mr Gunston was overheard shouting down to irate motorists from his tiny cockpit “alright, alright, stop honking, you ugly cunts, I can’t find 2nd fucken gear on this thing. What? Virus? What fucken virus?”

When ordered down from the vehicle by local law enforcement agencies, Mr Gunston responded “Come down? Get fucked. It took me three fucken hours to find this fucken cockpit. Three fucken hours! Walked all over this fat fucken cunt looking for this stupid little drivers cab, I did. Come down? Fuck off you litt…” whereupon a hail of empty Victoria Bitter 4.5 litre containers rained down upon the officers.

Similar to the chimes played by an ice cream truck as it makes it’s rounds, Mr Gunston broadcasts a tape over a loudspeaker while piloting his enormous machine. The lyrics are as follows:

“Bring out your dead.
“Bring out your dead.
“Bring out your dead.
“YOU CUNTS!”

Civil Defense authorities were aghast to learn that Mr Gunston’s only means of navigating his giant craft was to ask his pet budgerigar, Morris, who was seated next to him in the cockpit, which way to go. “Where to now, me little chipper?” Gunston was overheard to remark on more than one occasion. “I’ll tell ya Morry, we’re off to dig some graves me old mate, bury some of these cunts good and fucken proper. Although fucked if I know what that bloke was yelling at me about a fucken virus or some shit…”

Local Wollongong Man Secures First Ever Job

 –SMH–

Local man Mr C.Yclopath has today, at the ripe old age of 57, finally secured his first ever job. “We’re very proud of our boy” said Mr and Mrs Yclopath of Wollongong. “We’d almost given up hope of the boy ever getting a job. Although he once almost had a paper round. That was about 10 years ago I think it was. However, he was fired after 10 minutes for eating too much paper. His boss was so confused he actually told the lad paper doesn’t grow on trees you know, son. Anyway the boy’s new job is working at the self-help desk for the local megacorporation Gunston & Gunston Heavy Industries. I’m not exactly sure of the job description but I’m sure they’ll look after him down there.”

Local Man Sought For Questioning Over Wollongong Porn Platform Explosion

–SMH–

A local man is being sought in connection with the apparent explosion of a local porn platform earlier today. The man, a Mr C.Yclopath of Wollongong upon Wollongong, was on his first day working a job manning the porn self-help desk at Gunston and Gunston Heavy Industries.

“How the fuck did only one man do all this?
“He was only at the desk for ONE morning?
“Is this just water? It seems kind of sticky…”
–Gunston and Gunston clean-up crew.

Rugby 101 with Coach Graham.

 Hi.

Richard Graham here.

Ex-rugby football coach for the Queensland Reds of Australia.

Today, I will walk you through some basic rugby football strategies that we employed in my time at the Queensland Reds rugby football team before I was callously relieved of my duties one day.

1. Stay Out of The Red Zone.

“The Red Zone” is my own name for “on-field advertising”. In the case of the diagram above, “Asteron Life Insurance.”

I believe these sponsors messages need to be clearly readable AT ALL TIMES during the rugby football match. In fact – small trade secret here – this is usually my main topic of discussion at halftimes. “Stay out of the red zone!”

The straight orange line is an axiomatical adjunct of flange-propelled gradients indicating where the Reds players should move to in order to NOT be standing on the Asteron Life Insurance sign.

As you can see by the scoreboard in the top left corner of the screenshot, my team, (The Reds), are losing by 20 points to nil after 31 minutes. This is due to incorrect implementation of axiomatical red zone gradientation.

2. Keep Staying Out of The Red Zone

More straight orange line, more tangential axiomatical adjunct bearings. Fairly straight-forward stuff. Although that Reds forward behind the ruck did get a bit of a scolding at halftime for ALMOST standing on the “A” in “Asteron” The halfback clearly stood on the “N” in “Asteron” but I could still read the word ok so I just gave him 10 laps to do at halftime.

3. Forever Out of The Red Zone

Players #1 and 2 are called a “Red Zone Pod” They are doing a VERY good job of keeping EVERYONE out of the Red Zone, both Reds players and NSFW players.

Due to their diligence at policing the Red Zone I would not be surprised AT ALL if these two individuals were offered free Life Insurance for life c/o Asteron Life Insurance directly after the game. Maybe even in the tunnel as they headed back to the changing rooms.

I have scribbled over The Red Zone with orange pen in order to further clarify where the Red Zone is.

In order for everyone to stay out of it.

Forever.

In closing, let’s hope the Reds NEVER end up in the Red Zone!

–Richard.

Local Pedo Misunderstands Concept Of “Animal Husbandry.”

 –RST–

A local pedo looking to branch out into a bit of dogfucking has visited his local dog pound but sadly completely misunderstood the concept of “animal husbandry.”

“Animal husbandry? Get fucked, not in it for the long haul with Fido, I’m just some randy cunt looking to spice up his love life a bit over here.”
–Local pedo Mr Bruce Saint.

After having a long and extremely heated conversation at the animal shelter, Mr Saint was finally convinced that no, fucking a dog does not make you the animal’s legal husband and no, the dog pound does not rent out dogs for the night, no Sir, it’s not a brothel, and, finally, no Sir, dog pounds do not currently have “extradition treaties” with nearby neighbouring zoo’s.

Turtles at risk from Japanese.

 –Queensland Times–

Australian Wildlife officials are concerned that their lazy cunt population of slack-arsed little turtles may be at risk from Japanese whalers who reportedly want to kill, fuck and eat all the turtles in the world for scientific purposes.

“While this little turtle is fast asleep he may not even notice a Japanese whale hunters cock being rammed straight up his little arse.”
– Australian Wildlife official.

“We are concerned that these dopey little turtle cunts are defenseless if the Japs turn up ready to skullfuck, rape, cook and eat the hopeless little shits for scientific purposes. Last thing I want is my daughter’s delightful little pet turtle named “Myrtle” to wind up in some raunchy Japanese octopii/turtle porno rape/hostage flick. Pixellated or not. Of course I’d still watch it though. For research purposes”

A Japanese spokesman has declined to say whether or not turtle-rooting is on the national agenda in the forseeable future.

Japanese whalers erupt in delight after hearing that one day they may get to rape the corpse of some poor little kid’s turtle named Myrtle.

Australian Space Programme Reveal Objectives.

 --SMH—

The Head of the Australian Space Programme, a Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong, has today revealed the objectives of the fledging multi-billion dollar programme.

Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong.
–Head of the Australian Space Programme.

“Yeah mate, first objective is to find the fucken dog. Having a squizz for the mangy cunt from the space ship satellite telescope would be the go I reckon. The fucken bastard went walkabout last week. Probably rolling around the neighbourhood rooting anything that moves. I know I would be if I could walk around naked rubbing my cock up against anything that took my fancy.”

“Second objective is getting my useless brother Gene-o his first ever root” continued Mr Gunston. “No one on earth wants to fuck the bastard but maybe someone in space will hahaha”

“Trevor you fucken cu”

“Third objective is getting the space camera to have a perv thru the slat windows in the chicks bogs at the Redfern RSL. Especially on Friday nights when Raewyn is there in her halter top, pissed to the gills.”

“Fourth objective is to get an accurate reading as to exactly how fast my fucken ute can really go. No technology on earth has been able to accurately measure it so far. Maybe the cunts in space will have better luck. Righto. There ya go mate. A multitude of objectives. 83.6 billion dollars of space technology well spent I reckon.”

“For fucks sake, just too fast, can’t get a reading, get the space station cunts on the blower.”

Local Pedo Misunderstands Meaning Of “Pedometer.”

 –Wollongong Gazette–

A local pedo has slightly completely misunderstood the meaning of a “pedometer”.

“I thought it was some fucken device the cops attached to my electricity meter at home to monitor my pedo activity.”
–Local pedo Mr Bruce Saint.

“Turns out it’s actually more like an odometer for my dick” continued the confused pedo. “I can buy one myself and attach it somewhere, like say, all up and down my dick, and set off outdoors and use it to monitor how far I walk. As a pedo this is very handy for me as I make my way from playground to playground. I need to pace myself at times. It can get pretty taxing keeping up with the kids these days. I’m not getting any younger and some of these kids are quite young. It’s not all beer and skittles being the local pedo, you know. It’s actually more like all beer and lollipops.”

Queen Gives Birth to Royal Baby.

 –The Times–

The Queen of England has slightly astonished The Royal Household by giving birth to a healthy 7lb baby boy today . The father of the child is believed to be the Australian attache’ for Tokyo, Mr Bruce Saint.

“Eh?”
– Mr Saint.

Furthermore, the Queen has broken from centuries-old Royal protocol by electing not to give the child a traditional royal name:

Bruce Windsor of Buckingham Palace.
ALL HAIL KING BRUCIE.

“Oh shit. Yeh mate. Look at that little nutjob. Definitely one of mine.”

Mother and child are doing well. When contacted for comment Mr Saint
remarked “I cannot for the life of me recall rooting the bloody Queen!
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve rooted plenty of queens in my lifetime. A few randy granny trannies too. In fact, that reminds me of an interesting stor

Cricket Australia Install New CEO

 –SMH–

In the wake of this weeks’ cheating scandal in Australian cricket, and in somewhat of a shock move, Cricket Australia have today replaced their CEO and instead installed Wollongong local Trevor Gunston as the acting CEO of Cricket Australia, effective as of immediately. Mr Gunston was voted in by an overwhelming show of hands down at Bondi beach after standing on his eskie and yelling “fuck these cunts, who the fucks with me?”

“I’ll sort all these hopeless fucken cunts out, no fucken problem there.”
–new Cricket Australia CEO, Mr T.Gunston.

Mr Gunston has already adjudicated over his first press conference.

Q: How can Darren Lehmann escape charges given the apparent relaying of messages to Cameron Bancroft?

You mean Dazza? Dazza’s a good cunt, albeit a bit thin on top. My fuckwit brother Wayne’s got some scented urinal cakes he could rub on there, get a bit of follicular activity going. Sorry, what was the fucken question?

Q: How could he not know given the culture around the team, and is he culpable on a wider level?

Look, cunt, being a baldy is no crime. Of course he fucken knows he’s a bald cunt, the culture of the team has nothing to do with his moon dome. Did you write these fuckwit questions yourself or did Gene-o slip something in your drink? Useless f****** c***** b*******.

Q: How much scrutiny will Lehmann face during the culture review?

During the what? The culture review? What the fuck is that? Do I have to take these fat cunts to the fucken theatre? Bit of fucken Macbeth or some shit? Fine then. We’ll make Dazza wear a cravat or some rubbish. There, satisfied? Cunt.

Q: How much did David Warner’s history contribute to receiving the harshest penalty?

He’s a dickhead. It’s not rocket science. Until you involve either rockets and/or science. Next question please. Fuckwit.

Q: What about allegations from South Africa about the use of sandpaper [the bandage on Warner’s left hand] in Port Elizabeth?

Look cunt, South Africa has a long history of legalised persecution of black people so I’m not about to start placing any credence in anything those nazi fuckwits have got to say for themselves now.

Q: Will you investigate?

Investigate what? For fucks sake. I am trying to conduct an informative press conference here in my capacity as CEO of Cricket Australia. Have you been on the piss?

Q: Will they get contracts for 2018-19?

If by “contracts” you mean will we take out contracts on their lives, whereupon a certain local business is contracted to murder the individuals and dispose of their corpses in the quarry then I can answer an unequivocal “no.” There will be NO contract killings under my watch for AT LEAST the first 3 months of my tenure.

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Q: They have been banned by the IPL – did you have the authority to reject NOCs?

FBI, CIA, NASA, these are all acronyms with which we each have varying degrees of affinity. Here’s another one for you; C.U.N.T. Look that one up ya fuckwit.

Q: Would you be happy if they did play county cricket?

Oh so now you’re asking me about some rando’s fucken happiness? Jesus, is there any focus at all to your questions? Yes, I’m happy when some other cunt is happy doing some other thing, that makes them happy, in some other place. For fucks sake, next you’ll be asking my am I happy when some random prick in Burma is happy having his cup of dung tea in the fucken morning. Random cunt. Next question better be a good one you fuckwit.

Q: Were bigger bans contemplated?

Bands don’t generally play at the cricket, we pipe the music over the stadium P.A. Have you ever even been to a fucken cricket match? Thick dickhead. How the fuck did you even get this fucken job?

Q: Can Smith captain Australia again?

Of course. Smith is a very common name in Australia so in the future there is a likelihood that a Smith can captain Australia fuck me mate do you want the fucken lottery numbers too while I’m here?

Q: Has Warner got a steeper path than Smith?

Warner is a slightly rarer name than Smith so ergo visa visor his path will be that much steeper. For fucks sake, next you’ll be asking me has Bodhisatva got a steeper path than Warner.

Q: Was the harsh penalty for ball-tampering or outrage?

Fuck mate, talk about painting me into a corner, giving me only 2 bloody options? Maybe it was cos I thought Warner was an ugly cunt? Did you factor that tangent into your question diorama, no, didn’t think so. ‘Journalist’, my ball-tampered cock.

Q: How much more damage could there be done if the matter goes to a hearing?

Sky’s the limit mate. We could find out Warner bets on the ponies. Or stores kidnapped toddlers in his basement. Or is actually left-handed. Or was born in New Zealand. Oh God, that last one, my tampered balls just actually shuddered, cancel any and all scheduled hearings.

Q: Given Warner has got in strife before, were you worried he might transgress again?

Well he’s not a tranny if that’s what you’re asking.

Q: Regarding culture. Smith said before Cape Town he was not in a great headspace. He was talking about batting, but still. Under umbrella of culture, are you looking at that part of it?

We will not rule out any element of culture for Dazza’s big night out sporting a tux, cravat and kaftan, whether that be theatre, opera or interpretative dance mime.

Q: What is Warner’s future like given apparent breakdown of his relationship with the rest of the team?

If you’re asking me do the rest of the team want Warner dead then my answer to that is what’s it worth to you?

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Japanese Harpsichordist Caused The War.

 —Japan Times.

Genocidal maniac Yasuko Mitsui.

A Japanese harpsichordist named Yasuko Mitsui is being held directly responsible for causing WWII. “The nukes, Pearl Harbour, sausage time in Nanking, the brouhaha in Belsen, the whole fucking thing was her fault. That’s what I reckon anyway” said the newly sworn-in Australian envoy in Nagoya, Mr Bruce.

“I have a hunch about this.”
– Mr Bruce, the new Australian envoy in Japan.

Yasuko Mitsui: potentially responsible
for millions of deaths in WWII.

 –SMH–

Authorities in Australia have admitted that a life sentence for murder handed down by an Australian court to a four-year-old boy was a mistake.

The perpetrator. Oh shit.

“I apologise” said presiding judge Dr Judge Gordon Gunston. “It was my error. The sentence should have been for TWO consecutive life sentences” continued the judge. “That child lives in the house adjacent to mine and is always annoying the hell out of me, what with the toy rattle and the screaming and the farting and the bollocks attempts at singing childish stupid little songs.”

“GUILTY!”
–Judge Gunston.

The child was eventually found guilty of a long list of crimes by the presiding judge including “banging the fuck out of a toy rattle”, “probably shitting in its pants”, “farting at an annoying pitch”, “screaming like a satanic cross-eyed banshee for no particular discernible reason at all” and “continuing to bang the FUCK out of a plastic toy rattle LOOOONG after common sense would dictate it still being amusing.”

Three Australian Brothers Detained in Slovenia.

 –SMH–

Three Australian brothers, messrs Wayne, Trevor and Gene Gunston of Wollongong, Australia have been detained at the Slovenian border for being stupid pricks.

The 3 brothers were attempting to build a stupid little fence along the border of Slovenia. When queried as to why they were doing such a bloody stupid thing, spokesman Trevor Gunston responded “we’re here on behalf of Australia. Aunty Doris said there’s too many foreign bastards flooding into Wollongong. So we three decided to build a fence. To keep them out.”

When Mr Gunston was asked why the brothers didn’t build the fence actually in Australia instead, he retorted “Aunty Doris said the foreign wankers are flooding in from Syria.”

When informed that Syria and Slovenia are completely different countries, Mr Gunston stated “oh shit.”

The Minister for Australian Foreign Policy, Dr Gordon Gunston of Wollongong announced “these 3 clowns are not representative of Australian foreign policy. I am. And I am on my way to Slovakia to build an even bigger fence. Now piss off.”

“Bloody Serbs!”
–Judge Gordon Gunston.

“Gidday, mate. Is this Syria? Sicily you say? Bugger.”
–Trevor Gunston.

Elle Macpherson “not bloody interested” in rooting turtles.

 –Sydney Herald–

Elle Macpherson is reportedly “not bloody interested” in rooting a turtle.

Even if it was a big turtle.

“Fuck off.”
– Elle.

The supermodel, who was nicknamed ‘The Body’ because of her amazing human sheila bits says that, nearing the age of fifty, she enjoys things like “spatula shopping and basic armpit-maintenance web-logs” rather than daydreaming for hours and hours and hours as to what it would be like to have some crusty old turtle creakily attempt to mount her with his 4 million year old barnacle bit scratching around down there in search of her human birthing trap door.

Elle is realistic about how turtles look now that she is older.

“I’m not 20. I’m not under any illusion about that. And I don’t want to be wasting hours and hours and hours fantasizing about rooting members of the Animal Kingdom. I’m much more interested in starting bushfires in my armpits. Yes, I enjoy the active lifestyle and being outdoors. NO, that doesn’t mean I’m actively looking for animals little stiffies in the bushes, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Phil Kearns Tears Now Visible From Space

 –Science Today–

Stunning satellite images have today revealed that beleaguered rugby commentator Phil Kearns tears are now visible from space.

“Philip’s national rugby team have lost 63 of their last 78 rugby football matches” said a quivering volcanology spokesman. “And this avalanche of losses is in turn causing Mr Kearns tears to pool at an alarming rate. The retinal seepage around the edges of the pool is particularly caustic and contains an alarming degree of butthurt.”

Mr Kearns tears, as seen from space,
6 billion miles directly above Wollongong.

“This corrosive bubbling pool of death is placing a great strain on Wollongong and the surrounding areas” continued the spokesman. “We are recommending a full evacuation of Greater Wollongong prior to Australia’s next rugby football match. I believe Australia’s next scheduled opponent is the Luxemburg Crippled Children’s Under-3’s Burn Clinic. Actually, bugger me, we may as well sound the fucken klaxon now, everyone out!”

Supermodel Elle Macpherson To Open Armpit Service Bay

 –SMH–

Australian supermodel Elle “The Body” Macpherson is set to branch out from her highly successful Armpit Maintenance Web Blog and open up her very own Armpit Service Bay to be located in sunny downtown Wollongong, Australia.

“Yep, it’ll be just like a mechanic’s service bay” said the legendary supermodel over the phone. “You trundle in, we winch your arms up and we give you a thorough armpit servicing. We will offer a wide range of affordable options, from barnacle scraping to weed whacking to dog-semen oiling right up to a solid 5-minute armpit licking from one of our highly-qualified staff members.”

“I’m sorry, what was that second-to-last option you just said?”

“No, I’m not personally working in the armpit service bay you stupid fuckwit” barked Macpherson down the phoneline. “Like hell. You think I’m going to spend all day foraging around some revolting bastards hairy fucking armpit, plucking out their armpit nits, disgusting little white grubs wriggling around in their bushy fucken underarm hair jungle? I’m Elle Mcpherson you fuckwit, not Elle McArmpitNitHunter. You dickhead.”

“No, that is not the dog we use for the semen oil. That’s his mum.”