Ghislaine Maxwell Awaits Pardon

--USA Today--

Detained socialite Ghislaine Maxwell is reportedly awaiting an official Presidential pardon from outgoing US President Donald J. Trump. It is believed an announcement will be forthcoming any day now.

Ghislaine was raised in a life of privilege at the 51-room Headington Hill Hall near Oxford in England. 

"It was utter, utter squalor" lamented Maxwell. "Only 51 fucking rooms for fucks sake! And half of the rooms were chock full of decomposing teen hookers that Uncle Jeff had fucked to death".

"Uncle Jeffrey, some of these sluts are getting a bit pongy. Can't we just burn their corpses?

When informed of the upcoming Presidential pardon, Maxwell issued the following statement through her solicitors;

"Fire up the Lolita Express u bitches. Stop. And get Gates and Clinton on the blower. Stop. We'll rendezvous at Headers then be back on Pedo Island by sundown! Stop. Gates Head Jobs Revisited, baby! Don't Stop!

"Ghislers, where shall I land the Lolita Express?"

"Fuckit, just taxi along the grass and open a door, I'll jump in, let's do this thing! Back in business baby!"

Jeffrey Epstein Bequeaths Greta Thunberg To Prince Andrew In His Will

–Times–

Dead pedo billionaire Jeff Epstein has taken the bizarre step of bequeathing 16-year old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg to Prince Andrew in his will. Prince Andrew is the son of the Queen of England and is 7th in line to the Iron Throne of Westminster. The pertinent line in Epstein’s final will and testament read as follows:

• “I hereby bequeath that climate chick Greta to Andy. He may do with her as he wishes. He can even take the stroppy minx to my old Pedo Island if he likes. She can get active in that climate baby, FUCK YEAH!”

Ms Thunberg has sought legal counsel on the matter.

Prince Andrew has responded by issuing a statement claiming he has never heard of climate change or of Mr Epstein.

A spokeman for Mr Epstein’s 2020 Republican Presidential campaign also issued a statement saying that the campaign staff are “reassessing their options moving forward at this juncture.”