Local Man Can’t Find Eclipse.

 –Korean Times—

A local man has been unable to locate the eclipse in the sky.

“Where the fuck is it? I can’t see a fucking thing.”

“Is it a solar eclipse or a lunar eclipse ahh fuck it what’s the difference I still can’t find the cunt” exclaimed the exasperated sky viewer to his assembled viewing party.

“HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?”

Australian Space Programme Reveal Objectives.

 --SMH—

The Head of the Australian Space Programme, a Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong, has today revealed the objectives of the fledging multi-billion dollar programme.

Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong.
–Head of the Australian Space Programme.

“Yeah mate, first objective is to find the fucken dog. Having a squizz for the mangy cunt from the space ship satellite telescope would be the go I reckon. The fucken bastard went walkabout last week. Probably rolling around the neighbourhood rooting anything that moves. I know I would be if I could walk around naked rubbing my cock up against anything that took my fancy.”

“Second objective is getting my useless brother Gene-o his first ever root” continued Mr Gunston. “No one on earth wants to fuck the bastard but maybe someone in space will hahaha”

“Trevor you fucken cu”

“Third objective is getting the space camera to have a perv thru the slat windows in the chicks bogs at the Redfern RSL. Especially on Friday nights when Raewyn is there in her halter top, pissed to the gills.”

“Fourth objective is to get an accurate reading as to exactly how fast my fucken ute can really go. No technology on earth has been able to accurately measure it so far. Maybe the cunts in space will have better luck. Righto. There ya go mate. A multitude of objectives. 83.6 billion dollars of space technology well spent I reckon.”

“For fucks sake, just too fast, can’t get a reading, get the space station cunts on the blower.”

Lost Moon Landing Conversations Emerge

 –Science Weekly–

Following the Apollo 11 Eagle landing on the surface of the moon, the two NASA astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin did not emerge from the capsule for 6 hours. What transpired during those 6 hours has long remained a mystery as transmission to Houston was lost.

In a shocking discovery, tapes of the 6 hours of conversations have today been unearthed from an old shoebox found under Neil Armstrong’s bed by his wife.

Neil: OK Buzz, let’s go.
Buzz: Go where?
Neil: Go outside, to the moon’s surface you big dope, where do you think?
Buzz: I don’t want to go. What if there’s Martians out there?
Neil: This is the moon, dummy. Martians are on Mars.
Buzz: Oh.
Neil: Here’s your helmet, let’s go.
Buzz: This goldfish bowl thing? I don’t look good in that. It makes my face look all puffy.
Neil: Jesus. This gauge says we only had 25 seconds of fuel left.
Buzz: It’s ok. What’s 25 seconds on moon time anyway? About 25 hours?
Neil: No, dummy, moon time is the same as earth time.
Buzz: Wh… wh…. so we were 25 seconds away from DYING?
Neil: Yes.
{{sounds of inconsolable sobbing that last for 45 minutes}}
Neil: So, uh, Buzz.. about that moonwalk.
Buzz: What?
Neil: The m…
Buzz: I WANT MY MUMMY!
Neil: She’s watching on the tv at home Buzz, just like all the millions of other earthlings just waiting for us to emerge from this capsule.
Buzz: Who cares, we’ve been here for 2 hours now anyway, everyone will have changed channel by now.
Neil: Worth a go anyway. We came all this way after all.
Buzz: Neil, if Martians live on the moon then who lives on Mars?
Neil: Buzz, we’ve discussed this before. Martians live on Mars.
Buzz: Then who lives on the moon? Moonies?
Neil: No Buzz, the Moonies are religious zealots back on earth.
Buzz: I thought we were the first people on the moon?
Neil: We are.
Buzz: So Moonies didn’t come from the moon and go back to earth?
Neil: No.
Buzz: You sure are clever Neil.
Neil:…
Buzz: OK. I’ll go outside.
Neil: Great!
Buzz: But under one condition.
Neil: What’s that Buzz?
Buzz: You have to go first. So if you die I can escape the moon and live to fight another day.
Neil: OK.
Buzz: Like in a James Bond film.
Neil: Sure.
Buzz: Good luck on the moon, Neil.
Neil: Uh, you are coming right?
Buzz: Yeah, sure, right behind ya.
{{sniggering sound}}
Neil: OK, let’s pop these helmets on and get out there.
Buzz: One small issue
Neil: Gah, what is it now?
Buzz: I haven’t taken a dump for 4 days. I’m kind of backed up here, Neil.
Neil: Who cares?
Buzz: I care. What happens if the moon’s gravity discombobulates my bowel equilibrium and I helplessly spray a backdoor shart all over my nice white spacesuit butt? Then the photos for all eternity will be of hero Neil Armstrong and ol’ Brownstain Buzz over there, first man to shit on the moon.
Neil: But we have fecal deposit units built into our suits Buzz.
Buzz: I disabled mine at takeoff. Never trusted those things.
Neil: Oh God.
Buzz: Don’t worry, we’ll just wait it out. I can feel the brown bear poking at the cave door right now..
{{rustling sound as Buzz completely disrobes}}
{{4 hours later}}
Buzz: OH YEAH! That’s one small dump for Buzz but one giant cleanup operation for Collins, hahahahaha
Neil: Hahahahahahaha
{{Neil opens door}}
Neil: That’s one small step for…

Chinamen Fuck Up The Moon.

 –NY Times–

Following China’s successful landing on the dark side of the moon, NASA reports are coming through that the asiatic space mariners have already fucked the whole place up.

“They’ve only been there 20 fucken minutes and there’s already garbage everywhere” marvelled one NASA spokesman.

Those ‘trees’ in the distance they’ve photoshopped in aren’t fooling anyone.
–the dark side of the moon, yesterday.

“Selfie sticks, fucken macdonalds wrappers, you name it” continued the NASA spokesman. “Bugger me, they’ve already got factories up and running chundering out cheap fucken knock-off Nike bullshit. On the fucken moon!”

“20 bloody minutes and already the moon’s air quality is unbreathable. Un-fucken-believable.”