Japan and South Korea To Hold Inaugural Bukkake Power Summit.

--Seoul Times--

Japan and South Korea have briefly put their political differences aside in order for their respective powerbrokers to attend The Inaugural Bilateral Summer Bukkake Power Summit this summer in Seoul, South Korea.

"Of course we'll have more than 1 woman there. You stupid fucken cock-eyed cunts."

"This is going to be biblical" proclaimed Manabu Sato, Japan's sitting Minister for MILF Squirting & Night Soil. "I can hardly wait to manipulate my rock-hard 3 mm stiffy to issue all over the leg and head of some K-Pop starlet. Or, failing that, all over Korea's Minister for Comfort Women. Oops, yeah, so sorry about the war brothels bish oh shiiiiiiit I'm comingggg"

The 3 days of heated and fluid collective caucus cock summit action are scheduled to take place in August.

"I'm willing to put aside my hatred for the Japs for 3 days in order to initiate punishing international relations with any j-bitch in the room" said Mr Dong Sook, South Korea's Minister For Crying About The War.

"Multiple stiffies are a go, I repeat multiple stiffies are a red hot go, Virgil."
--Japan's International Rescue Bukkake Command Control Centre running one of their daily "stiffy simulations" before the big event.

 GG Allin Cancelled 862 Times In 4-Minute Span.

--Stanford Gazette--

Legendary punk rocker Mr GG Allin, long believed to have died, made somewhat of a surprise appearance at the Stanford University campus to kick off his nationwide campus tour entitled "Cancel My Crippled Cock You Fucking Sissy Cunt Faggetz".



However, the legendary punk rockers nationwide campus tour was cut short after just 4 minutes when he was cancelled no less than 862 times within the space of just 4 minutes on stage, shattering the national record previously held by Louis CK who registered a mere 12 cancellations.

A selection of the songs Mr Allin managed to play in the 4 minutes before he was taken into cancellation custody are as follows:

"Eat my fukk u shart booger cuntwraps." (0.30)

"Gay snot anal AIDS superhighway this, woke cunts". (0.19)

"Belsen up my ballsack u gestapo faggettz". (0.22)

"Jack off my Zyklon HIV fuel rod all u lez slut cum silos". (0.28)

"WokeFuck Hookerz4Life VS WokeFuck Ho's4Deth". (0.12)

"Crippled Cock Open Casket Blues (my 1st ever ballad)". (0.17)

"Leper Nazi Cock My HIV Radiation Ballmeat U Fukkz". (0.24)

"The Ball Gag Donkey Punch Blues (my 2nd ever ballad)". (0.31)

"Safe Space My Gestapo Cock and Balls U Hippie Faggett Cuntz". (0.14)

Stanford University student body representative and Feminist Studies major Madison Vaggarden was less than impressed.


"The entire assembled student faculty were in tears".
--Madison Vaggarden.

"Some students were visibly shaking and none of them will ever, ever recover from this extremely distressing afternoon" continued the distraught Ms Vaggarden. "I literally cannot believe that given the hostile reception Mr Allin received in those 4 minutes inside our cocooned campus safe space, he thought it would be a good idea to come out and perform an encore entitled "Anal Cunt My Tranny HIV Love Piston". I literally cannot believe there is a song in existence with such a highly, highly offensive title. My world is in pieces. I need to go back to my dorm room immediately and play my Enya CD and have a soy kale spinach latte to calm myself down".

Japanese Prince Gifts Tree To Son

--Japan Times--

Prince Akishino of Japan has today gifted a random tree in a local park to his son. "To you boy, I gift this tree" said the Prince. "It has special emotional significance for me. Because when your mother and I were 4 years old we were once hiding up that tree together. And it sticks in my mind that it was the first time that she ever put her fist right up my fucken clacka. When we were sitting up in that tree together."

"I lost my anal virginity up that very same tree".

--The Prince

"Bear in mind though, boy... upskirt photography is hopeless when you are sitting up in this tree. The angles are all wrong."

"Fun fact, kids; I actually edited the Latin name for this tree species on wikipedia to 'Annus Clackoralis Fistibum'".

Worldwide Drug Companies Authorise "Auckland Blues 15-Year Memory Wipe" Vaccine.

--USA Today-

The W.H.O. have granted emergency use authorizations for all drug companies worldwide to begin dispensing an "Auckland Blues 15-Year Memory Wipe" vaccine.

This groundbreaking vaccine promises to wipe the human brain clean of memories pertaining to the Auckland Blues rugby football team's horrendous run over the last 15 years.

Here are the main vaccine participants;

"Our vaccine is 95% effective. You may have vague memories of Tasesa Lavea's dogshit grubber into touch during the 2nd half of the Auckland Blues Round 7 matchup with the Chiefs from 2007 but apart from that you won't remember a motherfucking thing. You can safely live out the remainder of your days blissfully unaware of legendary All Blacks like Tony Woodcock and Keven Mealamu and Jerome Kaino inexplicably losing match after match after match in the Auckland Blues jersey.

"With an additional vaccine booster shot, we can also eradicate all memories of Auckland Blues player Luke Mcalister's "performance" during the infamous 2007 Rugby World Cup quarter final defeat to France*


*sadly, medical science does not yet exist that can expunge the entire 2007 Rugby World Cup from the human memory. That shit is burned so deep in the Hate Cortex that even science bounces off the fucking thing.







"Our vaccine is 94% effective and can virtually guarantee that the patient will have no memory whatsoever of the pathetic coaching reigns of your John Kirwans and Tana Umagas.

The vaccine uses RNA (mRNA), which instructs cells to produce a self-replicating protein spike fungus all over the human brain. This fungus serves to eat away at all your memories of the last 15 years of Auckland Blues rugby. Unfortunately, the fungiiii also eats away at all of your other memories too and will actually kill you in a matter of days.

But what precious days your last few remaining days will be! You will be free! Free to roam around for days and days with virtually NO memory of the Auckland Blues rugby team from 2005 onwards!

It will surely be a glorious twilight as the sun goes down on your suddenly-shortened life.

Try Moderna!


*nb- one of the unintended side-effects of the Moderna Auckland Blues 15-Year Memory Wipe vaccine is, completely coincidentally, that it also provides 94% immunity from the "Covid-19" virus.

Who knew.










"Our vaccine is 66% effective. That's fucking good enough for a drongo like you!

Names like "Nucifora" and "Coach Kirwan" will soon become unrecognisable to your brain.

Sweet!

The J&J vaccine recognizes all vaccine-triggered Blues coefficient spike proteins as invaders and creates antibodies to block mental transmission of any memories of the Blues.

Unfortunately, one slight glitch in the proteins means it also erases all patients memories of anything coloured blue whatsoever. So, patients will forget what the blue ocean even is. And the blue sky. And all the other blue shit on planet earth. A small price to pay, I am sure you will agree. The Blues will no longer be blue to you! Nor will anything else ever be blue to you again! What a relief!


*disclaimer; J&J are not legally responsible if patients walk into the ocean and drown because they no longer recognise the blue oceans of the world as wet dangerous spaces.








"Our vaccine is 94% effective at eradicating horrific and deeply traumatising memories of the Auckland Blues rugby team's performance over the last 15 years.

All those false dawns, all those underperforming All Blacks, all those clueless dogshit coaches, all erased from your brain. You will just be left with happy thoughts up to about 2003 with Rupeni and King Carlos and Joe Rokocoko and after that... nothing.

Our active ingredient is blood. Specifically, blood clots* which will flood your brain with red shit until they block all the blue shit from ever appearing again. Hey presto, no more Blues memories.

Science 101.



*nb these blood clots will definitely fucking kill you. Contact your local morgue if death persists LOL.






Sputnik Vaccine



"Our vaccine is 91% effective against the Covid 19 virus. An Auckland Blues Rugby Memory Wipe? What the fuck you talking about? That shit is impossible. Those memories are burned into your fucking brain. You can never forget shit like that. There is no hope for you. Crushing ineptitude and unrelenting disappointments on a scale like that, year after year after year after year, heartbreaking garbage like that is burned into your soul and you can never, ever, ever, ever forget it.

If pain persists in the morning, call Oleg at 0800 SPUTNIKCOCK.





Chinese Vaccine



Chinese Vaccine Spokesman Jian Yang:

"Our vaccine is 42% effective, you fucking arsehole. It use live bat cock STD virus that go straight up your a arsehole. From there, it replicate and a deliver the gene spike protein to stab up your arsehole a numerous times. It hurt like crazy and you probably die from it but at least you forget all about shithead Auckland Blues rugby team performance from last 15 years. You die happy, arsehole".

Failed Japanese Prime Ministerial Candidate "Surprised" At Loss.

--Japan Today--

Failed Japanese Prime Ministerial candidate Mr Kono is said to be "surprised" at not securing victory in the recent national election. "I really thought we did everything right," said a fairly despondent Kono. "I felt our billboard messaging was right on point. Forthright yet fun. Just like my campaign staff advised me to be".







"My campaign staff warned me not to come across as a doddery old fuddy duddy"continued Kono "and I think the billboard campaign avoided that".

"A modern, stylish man's man' is what the constituents want, the campaign staff told me. Personally, I think we nailed it".

"I really thought the campaign was a reflection of my true personality, as you can see from this shot of the decor inside my family home":

Inside Mr Kono's house:

"My home is quite artistically appointed" went on Kono "and I really wanted that side of my character to come through in my campaign".

"At home I like to rule with an iron fist" continued Kono "and I really wanted this aspect of my personality to come through in my campaign posters".




Mr Kono's campaign staff were unavailable for comment.

Japan 2021 Parliamentary Bukkake Fest Underway

--Japan Times--

"Yes, it's that time of the year again" said a visibly-excited Prime Minister Kishida. "Time to repair to the chamber and form an orderly queue in readiness to dump gallons and gallons of smeggy hot spunk all over some slutty fucking MILF members chest and face and neck. God, I love Japanese culture".

"Fuck Covid, fuck masks, it's time to get busy with bitcoin and bonds I mean bitches and boners".

"The more experienced Bukkake Fest lads have realised they should leave their best suit pants at home and just turn up wearing more semen-hued strides" said Kishida. "The semen, blood, puke, smeg, phlegm and salty tear stains never really wash out anyway".

"We've even got some sort of a bobcut transgender in attendance this year (centre of photo) so that'll be something new for the lads. See what sort of gash/tackle ensemble is loitering down there and how many cc's of man-spooge she can cop up the shitter before he cries 'pronoun!' which incidentally is this years safe word".

Japanese Prime Minister To Be Deported.

--Japan Today--

Japan is reeling at the news that their Prime Minister is to be deported. This shock announcement follows a projection of low quarterly growth for the all-important pornographical niche sector of Tentacle Rape.



A Japanese Independent Commission of Grot Inquiry reported that the 0.3% growth projection on Tentacle Rape was the final nail in Prime Minister Suga's coffin. "I'm sorry but 0.3% growth is utterly, utterly unacceptable. The world looks to Japan to see deep sea creatures get busy with half-naked hotties and 0.3% growth in this all-important grot niche sector is just totally unacceptable. Suga has brought great, great shame upon the nation of Japan. We've unanimously agreed to recommend immediately deporting the useless prick to Bikini Atoll. Let him try and have an octopii-themed tug on his 0.3 millimetre todger down there. Fucking slack cunt. Good riddance, clearly he didn't have the best interests of the Japanese people at heart. Fucking arsehole".

Australia Sell France Another Submarine

--Sydney Morning Herald-

Australia has sold France yet another submarine. "Yeah mate, 55 billion for this one, payment in advance Pierre, you fucken cunt" said lead engineer Trevor Gunston of the Gunston Heavy Industries Consortium. 

"This fat cunt comes fitted with 12 of the biggest fucken speakers you've ever seen in your whole bloody life" continued Mr Gunston. "And cos' you'll be out in the middle of the ocean with no neighbours to disturb, you can crank those massive cunts as loud as you fucking like!"

Le HMS Gunston Decibellator.

"This is going to be the LOUDEST submarine in the whole fucken ocean. Guaranteed. GUNSTON FUCKEN GAURANTEE, Pierre."

"But Mr Trevor... we don't want our submarine to be noisy. We want it to be qui..."

"Would you frog cunts please just fucken lighten up a bit? There's no neighbours out in the middle of the ocean to disturb. Just enjoy the sun and surf and crank some tunes".

"Mr Gunston, how do the speakers work once submerged underwater, won't the water ruin the spea

"Uhh, cheque's cleared, no refunds, thanks Pierre, pleasure doing business with ya as always"

Japan's Crown Prince Buys His First-Ever Thai Hooker.

--Japan Today--

The Crown Prince of Japan has today purchased his first-ever Thai hooker. 

"I recommend that little tart 3rd from the left, son. That bitch looks like she will gargle your nuts from here to motherfucking Katmandu".

"It's a proud rite of passage in our family" beamed the Crown Prince's father. "I bought my first filthy thai slapper when I was just 13-years old. Then after I fucked her brains out for 17 days straight I got sick of the dumb slag and threw her in our castle's moat. Haha, I'm just kidding with you. I had a footman throw her in the moat."

The Crown Prince, now aged 14, is said to have been "practicing like mad" for the big day of finally getting to bang his first filthy thai slut. "I've been jacking off up to 25 times a day. I can't even fucken see straight most days," confessed the Prince. "I cannot wait to rupture some random thai ho's birth hatch with my massive hairy cock and balls".

"Fuckit boy, let's just buy all of them and I'll plough all the ones you don't want."






"Oh, and one more thing son, whatever you do, don't let the mad slags near the bloody ping pong balls".

Taliban Select 2021 Shopping Mall Father Christmas

--Kabul Gazette-

The Taliban have selected their 2021 shopping mall Father Christmas. Between now and Dec 25th, kindly old Uncle Abdul will visit numerous Kabul department stores and queues of little Afghan children will sit upon his knee and tell him what present they would like for Christmas.

"Hello, children".

"Of course, there are some local customs that need to be observed", said a Taliban spokesman. "Just our little twist on the whole Christmas experience really. For instance, if a little girl said she wanted a Barbie doll then the filthy slutchild would be immediately beheaded on the spot. Let the carpeted halls of the store run red with her infidel blood.

"But if a little boy asked for, say, a fully-loaded AK-47 assault rifle, then he would be presented with one on the spot! He could even take his new gun and begin patrolling the kiddies queue to check if the little girls are properly attired in the hajib.

"On the other hand, if a little boy said he wanted a Barbie doll then his brother standing next to him - wielding his brand new fully loaded AK-47 - would be ordered to immediately shoot his own brother to death right in the cock and balls. Right fucking now. Let the carpeted halls of the store run red with the perverse brothers' tainted homosexualled blood.

"Anyway, these are just a couple of rules we have in place in the department stores, to ensure things run smoothly for Santa. We wish you all a Merry Christmas from the Taliban!"

"You missed the cock. Try again".
-Santa.

Australia To Provide France With Submarine.

--Wollongong Gazette--

Following Australia bailing on a submarine contract with France worth $66 billion last week, a local Wollongong firm of contractors have stepped in to fill the breach.

"Yeah we'll do you froggy wankers a fucken submarine" said consortium spokesman Mr Trevor Gunston. "But it'll cost ya. Price was 66 billion? Gone up to 70 bill now. Payment in advance, you crying escargoted cunts. No fucken refunds either. Here's the blueprint": 

Le Gunston Nautilus Rainbow Warrior 2000.

"Excuse me Mr Trevor but isn't that just a picture of an old car exhaust pipe?" 

"Nah mate. Fucken submarine". 

"Then why does it have holes in both ends?" 

"They're called portholes, you drongo. For advanced seafaring. How else are you going to see where you're bloody going? You need to have a window in the front mate. Or else you'll bloody crash. Jesus. Do I really have to explain this shit to you? You sure you know how to drive one of these fucken things? Righto Pierre, thanks cunt, cheque's cleared, no fucken refunds mate".

Taliban Looking To Fill Ministerial Portfolios.

--Kabul Times--

The Taliban are reportedly on the verge of filling their ministerial government portfolios with the exact same murderous members from their notorious 1996-2001 regime.

"Look, I'll admit, last time around some of the lads did get a bit carried away with it all" said Taliban Leader Achmed. "But they have all given me personal assurances that they'll be on much, much better behaviour this time around".

"Ahkbar to my left here has promised me he won't eat any babies this time".

"But chief, they're so delic...

"AHKBAR! We've spoken about this!"

"Okay, okay, no babies..."

The following are the Taliban ministerial portfolios that are as of yet unfilled:

Minister of Death.
Minister of Murder.
Minister of Killing.
Minister of Laughing At America.
Minister of Homicide.
Minister of Guns.
Minister of Bashing Up Old Ladies.
Minister of Rape.
Minister of Punching Babies.
Minister of Kicking Women Right In The Face.
Minister of Prayer.
Minister of Public Stonings.
Minister of Guillotinery.
Minister of Throwing Acid In Women's Faces.
Minister of Public Executions.
Minister of Skullfucking Handicapped People In The Brains.
Minister of Casual Limb Dismemberment.
Minister of Homosexual Bonfires.
Minister of Flying Planes Around With No Intention Of Ever Landing Them.
Minister of Eating Babies: Ahkbar.

US Envoy Brought In Over International Incident.

--Japan Times--

The US Envoy John Kerry has been brought in to resolve an international incident involving Japan's Prime Minister Suga and a visiting US Admiral.

The US Admiral and Prime Minister Suga, yesterday.

"We got us a diplomatic incident here, little buddy" Kerry reportedly murmured. "That US Admiral has been standing at attention for 7 hours now. The war's over, Suga. What the hell, dude? What is with the ongoing cruel and inhumane treatment against our servicemen?"

Kerry and Suga, seen here clearly gesticulating over the incident.

"I must profer my deepest apologies" replied the Japanese PM. "I tried and tried and tried to usher the dignitary to his seat numerous, numerous times. To no avail. We even had the translator explain it to him in quite clear English. Again, to no avail. It would appear the individual in question is alingual. He seems unable to respond to any verbal command. We even called the Sony Hologram Unit in to confirm is he is actually human and yes, it seems he is. We tried picture cards of chairs. We tried smiling generously and patting the chair cushion in an inviting, welcoming manner. We tried everything. Please, Mr Kerry, please. I am begging you. Please take him away."

Taliban Initiate Bold Policy Changes.

--Kabul Times-

After having a mad, mad, mad afternoon out on the trampoline, the new Taliban Leader of Afghanistan has declared that each and every household in the nation shall be equipped with such a "completely bonkers bouncey, bouncey" device.

"Achmed! Achmed! I can see your Khyber Pass! Hahaha!"

"My friend, it was fun like you cannot imagine. First you go up in the air then you come down again and then you bounce straight back up in the air again! Who could imagine such a thing! I actually fell on top of Abdul's bum cavern at one stage".

"No sign of Bin Laden in there, chief?"

"That is not funny, Abdul".

"Sorry, chief".

"I have made Achmed here to my left the new Minister of Trampolining".

"...................uhh..... chief...... I thought I was the Minister of Rape?"

"Dual portfolio, shithead! Trampolining and Rape".

"The trampoline will come to symbolise the 'rebounding' of the nation of Afghanistan. Get it? Rebounding? Bouncing back? Ahhhh, fuck you infidel".

Tuvalu Main Road Closed For Repairs

--Tuvalu Times--

The main road of Tuvalu, that runs right down the middle of the entire length of the tiny Pacific island, has today been closed for "repairs".

This road closure means residents wishing to visit the east or west coasts of the island will need to take the long way around. Island Mayor Mr Hemi advised residents to "try getting in a canoe or something and paddling around the end of the island to get to the other side".

The trip via canoe around the northern or southern-most tips of the island to get to the other side of the island is expected to take 16 hours.

Injured Local Man Sues Violent, Insensitive Foreigner.

--Japan Today--

The Olympic official knocked down while trying to cross the Olympic BMX course during a race today has immediately filed lawsuits with the IOC and the Hague in the Netherlands.

"Stupid baka gaijin fail to give way to pedestrian" said the aged gentleman. "Stupid aho on stolen kiddies bicycle does not know road rules of Japan. Now my leg has nasty bump on it. This gaijin is Dutch oven brain. I file lawsuit with Hague in Netherlands, his hometown. Baka gaijin face deportation back to Tulip Town and stand trial in Hague for war crime against my leg. Japan is again victim of unsolicited attack from insensitive gaijin. First Hiroshima, now this."

Footage showing idiot gaijin on stolen kiddies bicycle clearly running down defenseless local old man in broad daylight.

When told he had nearly knocked the BMX gold medal favourite out of the Olympics, the injured local gentleman replied "Olympic? What Olympic? Tokyo Olympic Game was in 1964, moran. I remember clearly, it was bright sunny day and also many baka gaijin were in town that day too..."