GG Allin Cancelled 862 Times In 4-Minute Span.

--Stanford Gazette--

Legendary punk rocker Mr GG Allin, long believed to have died, made somewhat of a surprise appearance at the Stanford University campus to kick off his nationwide campus tour entitled "Cancel My Crippled Cock You Fucking Sissy Cunt Faggetz".



However, the legendary punk rockers nationwide campus tour was cut short after just 4 minutes when he was cancelled no less than 862 times within the space of just 4 minutes on stage, shattering the national record previously held by Louis CK who registered a mere 12 cancellations.

A selection of the songs Mr Allin managed to play in the 4 minutes before he was taken into cancellation custody are as follows:

"Eat my fukk u shart booger cuntwraps." (0.30)

"Gay snot anal AIDS superhighway this, woke cunts". (0.19)

"Belsen up my ballsack u gestapo faggettz". (0.22)

"Jack off my Zyklon HIV fuel rod all u lez slut cum silos". (0.28)

"WokeFuck Hookerz4Life VS WokeFuck Ho's4Deth". (0.12)

"Crippled Cock Open Casket Blues (my 1st ever ballad)". (0.17)

"Leper Nazi Cock My HIV Radiation Ballmeat U Fukkz". (0.24)

"The Ball Gag Donkey Punch Blues (my 2nd ever ballad)". (0.31)

"Safe Space My Gestapo Cock and Balls U Hippie Faggett Cuntz". (0.14)

Stanford University student body representative and Feminist Studies major Madison Vaggarden was less than impressed.


"The entire assembled student faculty were in tears".
--Madison Vaggarden.

"Some students were visibly shaking and none of them will ever, ever recover from this extremely distressing afternoon" continued the distraught Ms Vaggarden. "I literally cannot believe that given the hostile reception Mr Allin received in those 4 minutes inside our cocooned campus safe space, he thought it would be a good idea to come out and perform an encore entitled "Anal Cunt My Tranny HIV Love Piston". I literally cannot believe there is a song in existence with such a highly, highly offensive title. My world is in pieces. I need to go back to my dorm room immediately and play my Enya CD and have a soy kale spinach latte to calm myself down".

Australia Sell France Another Submarine

--Sydney Morning Herald-

Australia has sold France yet another submarine. "Yeah mate, 55 billion for this one, payment in advance Pierre, you fucken cunt" said lead engineer Trevor Gunston of the Gunston Heavy Industries Consortium. 

"This fat cunt comes fitted with 12 of the biggest fucken speakers you've ever seen in your whole bloody life" continued Mr Gunston. "And cos' you'll be out in the middle of the ocean with no neighbours to disturb, you can crank those massive cunts as loud as you fucking like!"

Le HMS Gunston Decibellator.

"This is going to be the LOUDEST submarine in the whole fucken ocean. Guaranteed. GUNSTON FUCKEN GAURANTEE, Pierre."

"But Mr Trevor... we don't want our submarine to be noisy. We want it to be qui..."

"Would you frog cunts please just fucken lighten up a bit? There's no neighbours out in the middle of the ocean to disturb. Just enjoy the sun and surf and crank some tunes".

"Mr Gunston, how do the speakers work once submerged underwater, won't the water ruin the spea

"Uhh, cheque's cleared, no refunds, thanks Pierre, pleasure doing business with ya as always"

Japan To Publish Own Bible.

 –Japan Times–

Japan, renowned for its insular & xenophobic ways, is said to have grown sick of the “gaijin bible” and is set to publish their own version of the all-time best-selling fantasy novel. “Foreigner bible is Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. It is 100% gaijin” lamented Japan’s Minister for Upskirt Haberdashery, Dr Masahiro Sato.

“Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Japan Bible is Momoko, Mari, Luna and Janet in their togs at seaside captured through Nikon XL.003 telephoto lens from 200 yards.”
Dr Masahiro Sato.

“Old gaijin bible version from Roman days is little to no Japanese representation” continued Dr Sato. “Japan is not breaking bread and red wine parting sea. This is what the actual fuck. This is foreigner fantasy in foreigner land. Breaking bread? Japan national dish is scalded dolphin embryo delicately garnished with whale nits. Fuck bread. Besides, modern Japan today prophet is all 13-year old girl in togs, preferably with own series of high-gloss photobook. Preferably it is I want autographed copy. I have many such religious artifacts. It is like deep sea scrolls for chipmunk-speed masturbation. I wait in line for each new age parchment. I wait overnight. I take thermos. And sleeping bag. It is girl of youth that is worshipped idol of Japan, therefore religious deity. Not some gaijin sandal-wear hippie carpenter gaijin man. Japan faith today is stand in line to get high-culture artifact photobook autographed and ask for cute smile from religious deity and, for pre-arranged fee, and thrill of lifetime, possible personal photo opportunity. Keep the faith, Japan. Therefore, in good faith, after parliamentary deliberation, Japan bible is AKB48 photobook. It is unanimous choice and hastily rush bill through parliament and whip off home early for massive new testiclement Japan bible masturbation session.”

“Fuck Moses, fuck Red Sea parting. Japan new biblical epoch is new season bikini testiclement cleavage parting in high-gloss 3-D.”
-Dr Sato.

Japanese Pop Duo Pink Lady Ready To Eat.

 Saturday 05:22 AM JST

TOKYO —

Reformed 1970’s pop duo Pink Lady have today turned up at a Tohoku earthquake evacuation shelter in search of something to eat. The starving bony pair are half-dead from hunger and haven’t eaten since 1977.

“Pleased to mee oh, just give us a fucking biscuit.”

Keiko, 52, (pictured above on the left, and halfway through corrective dick surgery to become a man), said “we are elated to be here in Sendai because we heard there is some free food. We are also going to give one of our legendary performances to cheer everyone up or, if you’re under 900 years old, send you spiraling into a suicidal depression.”

Mitsuyo, 52, (on the right) who Keiko chides as being “clinically obese”, begged of the audience, “please don’t throw flowers on the stage. Chuck us some rice crackers or snot soup or something. I am fucking starving.”

A spokesperson for the duo said that in order to minimize crushing waves of depression amongst the homeless and half-dead audience, the duo will in fact be replaced for their performance by an array of life-sized cardboard cutouts. “Nobody will notice the difference” said Keiko, “meanwhile, we’ll be backstage foraging for bits of cheese.”

Japanese Harpsichordist Caused The War.

 —Japan Times.

Genocidal maniac Yasuko Mitsui.

A Japanese harpsichordist named Yasuko Mitsui is being held directly responsible for causing WWII. “The nukes, Pearl Harbour, sausage time in Nanking, the brouhaha in Belsen, the whole fucking thing was her fault. That’s what I reckon anyway” said the newly sworn-in Australian envoy in Nagoya, Mr Bruce.

“I have a hunch about this.”
– Mr Bruce, the new Australian envoy in Japan.

Yasuko Mitsui: potentially responsible
for millions of deaths in WWII.

Trump Selects Tom Petty As New Immigration Chief

 –NY Times–

In something of a surprise move, President Trump has selected 80’s rocker Tom Petty as his new Immigration Chief. Mr Petty has no previous political experience whatsoever. “I’ve always been impressed by his detailed immigration manifesto” said Trump. “Very impressed. He’s very detailed about it.”

“Don’t come around here no morrre…”

“I like his attitude here” said Trump. “Brief and straight to the point.”

“You don’t have to liiive like a refugeeee…”

“What? Of course refugees have to live like refugees… that’s what they are. Refugees. Maybe I’ll have to get Tom into the Oval Office and seek further policy clarification on this one.

“The waaiiiiting is the hardest part…”

“Excellent. Let the refugees and foreign freaks wait and wait and wait, all the while thinking waiting is the hardest part. Because Tom said it is. Maybe we’ll play that song at airport detention centers over and over again to confuse the waiting foreigners for a while until we set them to work building my huge goddamn Mexican wall.”

Taylor Swift’s “first ever pimple” claim; FAKE – [Snopes]

 –RST–

Truthbusting website www.snopes.com have today announced singer Taylor Swift’s infamous pimple, her self-reported “first ever pimple” last week, to be an elaborate fake.

According to Snopes, “The pimple was an implant, courtesy of noted Cape Town plastic surgeon Dr Ost Botha.”

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“A pathetic attempt by Swift to empathise with her 13-year old teenage girl fanbase”, Snopes summarised.

The singer continues to angrily deny claims of falsehood. “What are you blind, look at the thing! I’m like some barnacle-faced pus receptacle. A lunar moonscape where my face once was. Hideous. An elephant man. A freak. Ringling Brothers material.”

Swift’s complexion 2 weeks ago;

and then last week, ravaged by the “pimple”;

“Right there, on my cheek, what are you fucking blind? My martian fans told me on twitter that they could see the fucken thing all the way from Neptune.”

“It’s all I’ve been thinking about”, continued Swift, “this fucking huge monstrous great bulbous pimple. It’s like a bright purple irridescent Mount Fuji. Shining like a newborn thing. I am distraught, I am suicidal. I have already begun working on a break-up song. I’m not saying if it’s about the pimple or not but it’s called ‘My Pimple, So Huge The Fat Cunt Had It’s Own Orbit.”

Local Man’s New Stereo “Coming Along Alright.”

 – AP Press.

Local man Mr Sprague Dawley has aroused suspicion among local physicists over his construction of a homemade stereo which looks to be large enough to decelerate time itself.

When queried over specifics, Mr Dawley said “I nicked all the parts from the Home Center. I think I’ll call the stereo ‘The Black Sabbath Chunnel Widowmaker’. Come in for a look.”

“One tweeter. For one speaker. There are eight speakers. One tweeter is one eighth the size of a woofer.”

“Rubber-sheathing insulates the eight fairly sizable speaker wires. In order to keep them cool. In the background is the Vortex Of Sound. In the foreground, some poor cunt that was standing there during a test run. Must’ve missed the memo for that day. Better notify the next of kin. In 1324.”

Left to right, phono-jack input L and R, tape-jack input L and R, etc.

Sign in the back probably says “DAEWOO COMMAND YOU TO DIE FOR BLACK SABBATH.”

Some dork attempts to ‘upload’ some of my 50 million-strong archive of 7-inch records into a “computer”. He was shot in the anus and then the face and hiffed out with the burnables in the morning.

Spare speaker wire. “Yeah, sure, it’s off, you can touch it.” Haha.

See ya in 1324, pal.