A local man has today taken grave offense at being labelled a “bibliophile”.
“You fucking cunt. Are you insinuating that I root underage bibles? I am deeply fucken offended at that insinuation, you fucken dickhead.”
“I am gravely offended by your accusation” continued the local man, Mr Bruce Saint. “All of the bibles I root are well above the age of consent. Some of them are almost 300 years old. Is that old enough for you cunt? Unbelievable. You can’t just glance at some poor buggers massive collection of grot mags and call them a “bibliophile”? What the fuck is wrong with you? Fucken rude cunt. Last grot mag I’m ever fucken lending you.”
The local envoy for the Tokyo Consulate, Dr Bruce Saint of Wollongong, Australia has today completely misunderstood the meaning of the term “AIDS Activist”.
“Why you wanna activate all that fucken AIDS bullshit again? You’d be a stupid cunt.” –Dr Bruce Saint.
“That AIDS shit was fucken dangerous back in the day, you dickhead” continued Dr Saint. “We got enough fucken problems right now with all this Corona virus bullshit and here you fucken go, trying to activate fucken AIDS again. The fuck is wrong with you cunt? Last thing we need, fucken AIDS activated in the community again. You’re like a fucken terrorist mate. A fucken eco-bio terrorist or some shit. You got some fucken AIDS in some little vials you want to biff around the airport or something? Why you so butthurt your precious AIDS is suddenly not in the spotlight? Fucken dickhead. Fuck off with your pro-AIDS campaign bullshit.”
A local pedo looking to branch out into a bit of “sex trafficking” has apparently crashed his car after completely misunderstanding the concept of “sex trafficking”.
“Your Honour, I am guilty of sex trafficking.” –Local pedo Mr Bruce Saint.
Mr Saint initially confessed to traffic officers at the scene of the crash of “sex trafficking” but then afterwards, having had the concept of sex trafficking actually explained to him, responded to his legal representative by stating “no, no, I don’t want to buy any more little fucken boys, I can hardly keep up with all the little poofs locked in my basement already. I’z just tooling around the roundabout in the Datsun while giving me wee Magic Dougal a frisky burl and then I drove straight into a fucken lamp post.”
Mr Saint was let go with a stern warning and a lollipop although it remains unclear as to why he requested “13 more lollipops for all the stroppy little crying dickheads in my basement.”
A local pedo looking to branch out into a bit of dogfucking has visited his local dog pound but sadly completely misunderstood the concept of “animal husbandry.”
“Animal husbandry? Get fucked, not in it for the long haul with Fido, I’m just some randy cunt looking to spice up his love life a bit over here.” –Local pedo Mr Bruce Saint.
After having a long and extremely heated conversation at the animal shelter, Mr Saint was finally convinced that no, fucking a dog does not make you the animal’s legal husband and no, the dog pound does not rent out dogs for the night, no Sir, it’s not a brothel, and, finally, no Sir, dog pounds do not currently have “extradition treaties” with nearby neighbouring zoo’s.
In something of a shock announcement the United Nations in Geneva has declared, by official decree, that all elderly people the world over are now to be officially known as “fuckwits.”
“Yeah you heard me.” – Dr Saint.
U.N envoy Dr Bruce Saint had this to say: “Mate, I’ve met enough of them. And I’ve seen fuckin’ truckloads of the cunts around the place. And you know what? I reckon they’re all cunts. Ugly as shit, falling apart, in my fuckin road, never look where the fuck they’re going, liability behind the wheel, whinging, smelly, stuck with their retarded old iron-clad values system instilled in fuckin’ 1922, hate everyone, hate the coons, hate the chinks, mate, I’m just fuckin’ sick of the wretched ugly blind faggot cunts. They’re like the crippled children of the plant kingdom. I hope they all die in a fire. A really fuckin’ hot one. In summary, old cunts worldwide are sucking up world resources while looking ugly and useless at the same time and also are in my fuckin way all the time, therefore I say fuck off old cunts, or, as they are to be hereforeafter referred to, fat cunts I mean fuckwits.”
A local New Zealand man has completely misinterpreted the nations new government legislature that allows up to 10 days paid domestic-violence leave.
“I thought domestic-violence leave meant the cunts at work were gonna pay me to go home and bash the old lady up” said the local idiot. “Didn’t really want to smack her around so I went home and just belted the walls a few times, in case the neighbours were listening. Wouldn’t want them to think I was skiving off work, without actually doing any of the paid domestic-violence thing.”
“Bugger me, paid DV, not as easy as it sounds.”
According to the parliamentary bill, the world-first legislation was actually designed to grant victims of domestic violence 10 days paid leave to allow them to leave their partners, find new homes and protect themselves and their children.
“Don’t know if I’ll take my full 10 days allocation” continued the drongo. “Gets a bit tedious belting pots and thumping tables and biffing shit around the kitchen to fake the DV while wife is trying to watch the soapies. Bugger me, tick her off too much during her soapies and the stroppy slag might even get up off her arse and go out and get a fucken job herself, just so she can then take her 10 days paid domestic-violence leave and come home to beat the fucken shit out of me.”
A local pedo has slightly completely misunderstood the meaning of a “pedometer”.
“I thought it was some fucken device the cops attached to my electricity meter at home to monitor my pedo activity.” –Local pedo Mr Bruce Saint.
“Turns out it’s actually more like an odometer for my dick” continued the confused pedo. “I can buy one myself and attach it somewhere, like say, all up and down my dick, and set off outdoors and use it to monitor how far I walk. As a pedo this is very handy for me as I make my way from playground to playground. I need to pace myself at times. It can get pretty taxing keeping up with the kids these days. I’m not getting any younger and some of these kids are quite young. It’s not all beer and skittles being the local pedo, you know. It’s actually more like all beer and lollipops.”
Local Envoy Dr Bruce Saint has lodged a formal complaint to authorities over what he has claimed to be is a “pro-semetic” bar.
The offending bar in question.
Mr Saint: highly offended.
“I’m no fucken nazi mate” said Mr Saint, “but I reckon only letting jews into some bar is a bit rough. Where am I supposed to go if I want a fucken drink? The fucken abo’s bar? The lebbo’s bar? The poofs bar? The fucken thumped poles bar? Gizza fucken drink ya racist jew cunts!
Mr Saint: thirsty for a drink ya fucken cunt.
“And what does that “Experimental Kitchen” shit mean anyway?” continued Mr Saint. “What, are the stroppy jews chopping up fucken nazi cocks back there? Having a burl on ol’ Hans’ nationalmannschaft? ‘Jewish hot dogs on special today?’ Bit of experimentation on poor old Gunter’s ballmeat? Bit of jewite spag bol on the menu?………………. gizza fucken look then! I’m as hungry as I am thirsty!”
The Queen of England has slightly astonished The Royal Household by giving birth to a healthy 7lb baby boy today . The father of the child is believed to be the Australian attache’ for Tokyo, Mr Bruce Saint.
“Eh?” – Mr Saint.
Furthermore, the Queen has broken from centuries-old Royal protocol by electing not to give the child a traditional royal name:
Bruce Windsor of Buckingham Palace. ALL HAIL KING BRUCIE.
“Oh shit. Yeh mate. Look at that little nutjob. Definitely one of mine.”
Mother and child are doing well. When contacted for comment Mr Saint remarked “I cannot for the life of me recall rooting the bloody Queen! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve rooted plenty of queens in my lifetime. A few randy granny trannies too. In fact, that reminds me of an interesting stor
Australian Embassy Envoy Dr Bruce Saint on Monday appealed to elderly Japanese citizens to “scarf down their fucken mochi ricecake death-blob choking hazards as fast as they fucken can” during the New Year holidays.
“Time is running out old cunts!” went on Dr Saint. “Hurry up and stuff your face with huge potentially lethal globs of delicious mochi! You fucken deserve it! There’s no pension money left for next year so you may as fucken well!
Doctor’s license? I’m wearing a fucken surgical hairnet aren’t I? Fuckwit.” – Dr Bruce Saint.
The ricecakes, a traditional New Year’s food, cause choking incidents among elderly people every year. Authorities appeal to people across Japan to cut up their mochi into small chunks and to eat it with great care, and in the presence of someone else.
To this Dr Saint said “fuck off. You’re old cunts, not fucken old babies. You worked hard all your life, eat your mochi how ya fucken like. Snow on the roof? Get up there and shovel the shit off, no problems. Too dark outside? Fuck it, shovel by moonlight, you’ve got eyesight like a hawk! Fuck me, why not combine the two, stuff yer gob full of mochi and jump up on the roof with the fucken shovel! Do everyone a favour! Including the national pension service! See you on the other side, shitheads!”
A Japanese harpsichordist named Yasuko Mitsui is being held directly responsible for causing WWII. “The nukes, Pearl Harbour, sausage time in Nanking, the brouhaha in Belsen, the whole fucking thing was her fault. That’s what I reckon anyway” said the newly sworn-in Australian envoy in Nagoya, Mr Bruce.
“I have a hunch about this.” – Mr Bruce, the new Australian envoy in Japan.
Yasuko Mitsui: potentially responsible for millions of deaths in WWII.
