Injured Local Man Sues Violent, Insensitive Foreigner.

--Japan Today--

The Olympic official knocked down while trying to cross the Olympic BMX course during a race today has immediately filed lawsuits with the IOC and the Hague in the Netherlands.

"Stupid baka gaijin fail to give way to pedestrian" said the aged gentleman. "Stupid aho on stolen kiddies bicycle does not know road rules of Japan. Now my leg has nasty bump on it. This gaijin is Dutch oven brain. I file lawsuit with Hague in Netherlands, his hometown. Baka gaijin face deportation back to Tulip Town and stand trial in Hague for war crime against my leg. Japan is again victim of unsolicited attack from insensitive gaijin. First Hiroshima, now this."

Footage showing idiot gaijin on stolen kiddies bicycle clearly running down defenseless local old man in broad daylight.

When told he had nearly knocked the BMX gold medal favourite out of the Olympics, the injured local gentleman replied "Olympic? What Olympic? Tokyo Olympic Game was in 1964, moran. I remember clearly, it was bright sunny day and also many baka gaijin were in town that day too..."

All Blacks Bid Farewell To Dear Friend

--NZ Herald--

A ceremony to scatter the ashes of All Black prop Ofa Tuingafasi's mullet under the goalposts of Eden Park will be held prior to this weekends All Black rugby test match against Australia.

"This is a solemn moment for everyone involved" said All Blacks interim bus driver Fat Guts Fozzie. "Ofa's Reverse Starburst Mangere Mullet has almost become part of our family. We will all miss it dearly. But, frankly, it had become so stupid looking that it just had to go. We're not the Bar-Kays going through their late 80's peroxide addiction and berko mullet phase you know."

Ofa bows his head as he bids solemn farewell to his beloved and berko Reverse Starburst Mangere Mullet.

Hi-definition ultra-white imagery cameras capture the actual moment the bonkers Reverse Starburst Mangere Mullet visibly leaves Ofa's head.

Rugby 101 with Coach Graham.

 Hi.

Richard Graham here.

Ex-rugby football coach for the Queensland Reds of Australia.

Today, I will walk you through some basic rugby football strategies that we employed in my time at the Queensland Reds rugby football team before I was callously relieved of my duties one day.

1. Stay Out of The Red Zone.

“The Red Zone” is my own name for “on-field advertising”. In the case of the diagram above, “Asteron Life Insurance.”

I believe these sponsors messages need to be clearly readable AT ALL TIMES during the rugby football match. In fact – small trade secret here – this is usually my main topic of discussion at halftimes. “Stay out of the red zone!”

The straight orange line is an axiomatical adjunct of flange-propelled gradients indicating where the Reds players should move to in order to NOT be standing on the Asteron Life Insurance sign.

As you can see by the scoreboard in the top left corner of the screenshot, my team, (The Reds), are losing by 20 points to nil after 31 minutes. This is due to incorrect implementation of axiomatical red zone gradientation.

2. Keep Staying Out of The Red Zone

More straight orange line, more tangential axiomatical adjunct bearings. Fairly straight-forward stuff. Although that Reds forward behind the ruck did get a bit of a scolding at halftime for ALMOST standing on the “A” in “Asteron” The halfback clearly stood on the “N” in “Asteron” but I could still read the word ok so I just gave him 10 laps to do at halftime.

3. Forever Out of The Red Zone

Players #1 and 2 are called a “Red Zone Pod” They are doing a VERY good job of keeping EVERYONE out of the Red Zone, both Reds players and NSFW players.

Due to their diligence at policing the Red Zone I would not be surprised AT ALL if these two individuals were offered free Life Insurance for life c/o Asteron Life Insurance directly after the game. Maybe even in the tunnel as they headed back to the changing rooms.

I have scribbled over The Red Zone with orange pen in order to further clarify where the Red Zone is.

In order for everyone to stay out of it.

Forever.

In closing, let’s hope the Reds NEVER end up in the Red Zone!

–Richard.

Gunston Rugby Golf.

 Hello.

Gene Gunston here.

Are you sick of golf? Of course you are! It’s a bloody stupid game! In case you haven’t noticed, the golf hole itself is ridiculously small. Especially compared to the massive acres of parkland you have to wander around to even find the little pinprick of a fucken hole.

Well, rest easy because have we got the sport for you.

Rugby Golf!

All you have to do is tonk your ball over the rugby goalposts and that’s it. Hole finished. Par 5? Just tonk it over the posts and pencil in birdie or some shit. You’re getting the hang of it already! Fuck the green, fuck the flag and fuck the stupid little tinpot hole you can hardly even fucken find. They can all piss right off.

Let’s take a leisurely stroll around The Gunston Rugby Golf Links Course.

It is now available for bookings.

One round is $69,995.

Book now!

The 1st

The round starts now! Yes, as soon as you get out of your car. Start tonking!

The 2nd

What the hell is goign on here? Fuckit, just play through. Give yourself an albatross or something.

The 3rd

Pretty basic tonking action here. Straight through the uprights.

The 4th

“WHAT’S THAT? SORRY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”

The 5th

Makeable par 5.

Unless you swing like a girl.

The 6th

Fairly simple 3-iron draw shot to make par here.

The 7th

What? “Where’s the fuckin goalposts” you say? Well, they’re about 200 metres behind that lass standing by the hole. Start tonking! If she’s in your way just smash it right thru her! Take a drop! Take a drop right off her fucking head!

The 8th

Piece of piss.

The 9th

Make sure you put your club right through the ball here. Might still be some time on the clock for a quick restart.

The 10th

Instant albatross.

The 11th

Back-to-back albatrosses. You are on fire!

The 12th

Come on, mum. Put your back into it.

Old people usually end up crying on this hole.

The 13th

I recommend a lofted club on this hole. And earmuffs.

The 14th

Relive the magic and excitement of the waterlogged Eden Park test of 1975. Get tonking!

The 15th

Any goalposts will do. Definite birdie chance.

The 16th

Trickier than it looks

The 17th

Don’t worry. That little boat comes back like clockwork, once every week.

The 18th

The 18th, the showpiece of The Gunston Rugby Golf Links Course.

Be sure to stop off in the clubhouse after your round for a few beers and a yarn.

Don’t worry, this hole is perfectly safe. There’s no glass in the windows.

2010 Winter Olympics Biathlon Terror.

 — Vancouver Times—

The 2010 Winter Olympics will live long in the memory but unfortunately for all the wrong reasons. The Olympics Biathlon Pursuit community in Vancouver were, to a man, reportedly “stunned” by the 4-man South African team taking it upon themselves to slaughter all 46 other competitors.

Foreign biathletes begin fleeing in
terror as the shots start ringing out
around them.

A foreign biathlete keels over dead
after having been shot flush in the
arse by a sharp-shooting South African.

“That’s the last of them. Holy shit Gunter, this biathlon bullshit is a piece of piss.”

The Biathlon event, which combines cross-country skiing and sharp-shooting, has yet to gain much of a foothold on the high veldts of South Africa. But that didn’t stop the 4 South African biathletes Gunter du Plessis, Bismarck Goebbels, Jurgen Vaalstraad and Gunter von Hittihitler being the only athletes left alive at the end of the competition. All 4 were awarded gold medals by Olympic officials, who were then themselves executed “Biathlon-style” by the 4 South African competitors.

“Thanks for the memories, Canada.”

South African athletes seen here celebrating the “elimination” of the competition.

Local Ski Jumper Loses Track Of Time One Afternoon And Forgets To Report For Winter Olympics

 –Times–

A local ski jumper reportedly “got a bit carried away at home with something or other” and completely forgot to report for the Winter Olympics. He had been selected to compete in the ski jump event. “Yes, I’d put my ski’s on, ready to go, and then started in on something else and completely lost track of the time I’m afraid” reported the absent-minded git.

The local ski jumper, pictured above in the midst of doing something else, having completely forgotten he was supposed to be at the Winter Olympics that day.

“Yes, I was squirreled away in my Anti-Wife Room to recalibrate my Decibel Particler that I use to reduce some of the noise the mad woman emits after we’ve had a row. She’s got her own version of the room next door in which she presumably does the same thing.”

“Husband. Can you hear me? Don’t forget to go to the Winter Olympics. Stupid wanker.”

Guide to 2004 Athens Olympics.

Guide to 2004 Athens Olympics.

 

--by Thanasis Gunston.

 

Join Remember Olympic Spirit on this 2004 Greek Athens Revisit Olympic Athens Site Anniversary Day!

 

Marijuana Growing Race.

 

No gold medals today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Olympic Ski Jump "Game of Chicken".

 

Mano e mano and crash!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Olympic Diving.

 

Chair is for judge.

 

10 out of 10!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Greek Ski Slalom. Grates to drain excess snow. Olympics is grate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Olympic Rodeo. No bulls today. No marijuana either. Try again tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gymnastic Event. Can you land on feet? Are you athlete? FUCKING JUMP NOW!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shot Putt event. You pick up brick and you throw.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Olympic Event.

 

"White Manhole Hunt".

 

"I see it! I see it there in the foreground! Gold medal please."