Local Woman Attempts To Hypnotise G7 World Leaders

--Times--

A deranged local woman has today reportedly attempted to use black magic to hypnotise G7 world leaders into liking her father.

"Donnie is number onnnnnnnnnneeeeeeee..."

The woman had diplomatic credentials to gain access to the meeting but was pointedly ignored by everyone in attandance.

"She's still standing right next to me isn't she..."

Eventually the woman left of her own accord and was last sighted talking to people at a bus stop outside the G7 convention centre. These people also appeared to be completely ignoring her.

"I see... I see a bus in my future..."

Ghislaine Maxwell Awaits Pardon

--USA Today--

Detained socialite Ghislaine Maxwell is reportedly awaiting an official Presidential pardon from outgoing US President Donald J. Trump. It is believed an announcement will be forthcoming any day now.

Ghislaine was raised in a life of privilege at the 51-room Headington Hill Hall near Oxford in England. 

"It was utter, utter squalor" lamented Maxwell. "Only 51 fucking rooms for fucks sake! And half of the rooms were chock full of decomposing teen hookers that Uncle Jeff had fucked to death".

"Uncle Jeffrey, some of these sluts are getting a bit pongy. Can't we just burn their corpses?

When informed of the upcoming Presidential pardon, Maxwell issued the following statement through her solicitors;

"Fire up the Lolita Express u bitches. Stop. And get Gates and Clinton on the blower. Stop. We'll rendezvous at Headers then be back on Pedo Island by sundown! Stop. Gates Head Jobs Revisited, baby! Don't Stop!

"Ghislers, where shall I land the Lolita Express?"

"Fuckit, just taxi along the grass and open a door, I'll jump in, let's do this thing! Back in business baby!"

Justice Aunt Lydia sworn in as US Supreme Court Justice.

"Who fucken farted? WHO?
--Justice Aunt Lydia.

Justice Aunt Lydia has today been sworn in as a US Supreme Court Justice at the White House.

Her acceptance speech read as follows;

"I solemnly swear to show all bitches, hos and skanks the way to vag salvation. The vag is blessed and the cock is holy. This is enshrined in our Gilead constitution. Therefore, let my first act as Supreme Court Justice be to welcome a rando gaggle of preggers handmaids to the White House as I, and I alone, bless their rapespawn loinfruit as we forge ahead to the holiest of holy days, yes, vagsplosion spout day. Blessed be the Gash, Holy be the Fuck. Thank you, my children, thank you."

Upon her confirmation, Justice Aunt Lydia immediately repaired to the White House catacombs to begin checking the pregger bumps of the motley gaggle of sluts, hos, charlatans, skanks and women of questionable matrimonial feasance.


"What the fuck bish. You're not even pregnant you stupid slag. You're just constipated. Are you sure you weren't just boofed up the shitter?"

Nikon Japan "Coming Close" To First-Ever First Lady Upskirt Panty Shot

--Japan Times--

Japanese Nikon technicians are currently working long into the night to "reverse engineer" reflections from a shovel wielded by Melania Trump in the hopes of yielding a groundbreaking first-ever First Lady upskirt panty shot.



"We are so close" said lead technician Dr H.Entai. "There are however certain angles that are proving uncooperative due to the unbending laws of physics related to space and time. We have already tried numerous relays to our space station in the hopes of refracting the light of time itself but so far no luck. The boys are ploughing on though and are all quietly rock-hard at the prospect of some sweet, sweet First Lady grud shots. Even just some upper thigh shots would see the dark room go off like the NASA control room in 1969".

An artists simulation of the Nikon Camera Division once the lads obtain the elusive first-ever First Lady panty shot:

Trump To Save American Economy With “New Source of Protein”

 

President Trump has announced today that he “has personally discovered a new source of protein.”

“What am I even paying these science guys for?” proclaimed the Commander-in-Chief. “I was looking at a picture of the Corona virus and this little thing has at least 3 different types of protein. S protein, M protein and something else. And protein is healthy right? Those weightlifting guys eat it and they’re healthy. So, to get America healthy again we’ll just eat the virus. Because it’s made of protein. Kill the virus by eating it and getting healthy at the same time! What a great idea! Killing two birds with one stone. What have my science guys been doing this whole time? We could even make the virus into protein bars for the weightlifting guys. So anyway, today I passed an Executive Order that all food banks nationwide must now be stocked with Corona virus samples. For eating. After all, it is high in protein. According to my picture of the virus this little ball guy has at least 3 different proteins in there. That’s a balanced meal.

“Maybe if you’re dining out in a restaurant they could serve the little protein guys on a nice little dish, like a petris dish or something, I don’t know. It’s a huge opportunity for restaurants too, to help them get back on their feet financially. A healthy protein-packed addition to the menu. The virus is quite a cute colour too from the pictures I’ve seen, it will look quite artistic on the plate or petris dish. I don’t know how it tastes but you could put some ketchup on it or something. You could make some real money from this thing. I’ve heard that loads of Americans have the virus, maybe they could donate a portion of the virus from inside their body to restaurants? For the cause. Maybe restaurants could take down all that plastic partitioning and instead have a special coughing virus protein donation area?

“And best of all, this new food source, loaded with protein, would even be free to start with. Sure, we’d sell off the licensing and patents down the road but to start with it would be free. Imagine that, free food! It will definitely save the American economy. We could export it to the rest of the world later too. Huge export potential. Huge. A real game changer. This will make America great again.”

Nuremburg Barbie Adjusting To Life In Mexico After Defection.

 –NY Times–

President Trump’s former right-wing I mean former right-hand confidante, Nuremburg Barbie, is said to be settling in well after defecting to fucken Mexico last month. She is now said to be almost fluent at speaking Mexican.

“Hola cunts, el diablo dildo mein conquistador el gash pubes fracking time.”
–Nuremburg Barbie buying a loaf of bread in sunny sperm-stained downtown Mexico.

“Hola taco-faced cunt, mein Berlin wall spic hombre el paso burrito tortilla?”
–Nuremburg Barbie asking what time is the next bus to fucken Tijuana

“Hola mein sombrero el pubus memorandus Shell Oil Gulf of Mexico el gringo cunthead Pablo Escobar?”
–Nuremburg Barbie in the supermarket asking where the fucken Tabasco sauce is.

Trump Puts Migrant Children To Work Building His Wall.

 –NY Times–

President Donald Trump has today stated that his Mexican border wall will be constructed by detained migrant children. “Some of those Mexican kids are fat as hell” said the President. “Let’s face it, they could stand to lose a few pounds. Some construction work will do them good. Besides, little kids love playing with building blocks like lego and stuff. They can just think of the wall’s giant concrete slabs as like big Lego building blocks. It’ll be fun for them!”

“Heyyyy kids, who wants to play a fun game?”

“Put down those concrete blocks you wetback dickheads. You’re all fired. We’ve found a cheaper source of labour.”

“You kids, once you’ve finished building my wall please make sure you’re on the OTHER side of the wall. Not this side. Other side. It’s all part of the game. It’s called, uhh, hide-and-get-out.”

Trump Ordered Mexican Border Wall To Be Made Out Of Mexican Earthquake Rubble.

 –USA Today—

Reports are surfacing that US President Donald Trump last year instructed Mexico to use the rubble from their catastrophic earthquake to build his wall along the border of the United States and Mexico.

“Put the big bits on the bottom of the wall. That’s how walls work. I know a lot about walls. Bit bits of wall go on the bottom and from there we build in the up direction.”
-President Trump.

“Don’t worry, the wall is safe, it already has its underlying structure” continued Trump. “My beautiful daughter Ivanka recently bought it off the Germans so you know it’s well made.”

Read More; https://spraguedawleyii.blogspot.com/2020/08/ivanka-trump-buys-holocaust-memorial.html

“This Mexican contribution can only make the wall stronger” continued Trump. “As I always say, strong walls bring people together. Also, giving the wall a Mexican flavor means the Mexican people can be proud of the homegrown nature of their wall. Bullfighting, tacos and wall. This is the new Axis of Happiness for the Mexican people. This is a great day for Mexico. A great day. Was it Abraham Lincoln who said ‘I have a dream’? Well Abe, I have a wall. Stick that one in the Declaration of Independence. Dreams don’t build walls, beardo. Walls build walls.”

Trump Sends Daughter On Trip To Japan

–Japan Today–

Donald Trump has sent his daughter Ivanka on a trip to Japan in the hope that some of Tokyo’s legendary upskirt photographers can secure some panty shots of his beautiful, beautiful daughter’s gruds. “If anyone can do it, the Japanese can do it” said the bellicose Commander-in-Chief as he absent-mindedly thumbed through an old family photo album consisting entirely of photos of Ivanka at the seaside in her togs. “Dirty ol’ Abe, he’s my wingman in Japan. Great guy, great guy. He will get me those pictures.”

“No chair for you, Ivanka. You sit on table. Why? No reason. Please to sit on table. It is… uh… Japanese custom.”
–Japan Prime Minister Abe greeting Ivanka Trump as 150 assembled Japanese photographers await, fingers poised on Nikon and Canon and Olympus and Pentax zoom lens high-performance cameras.

Ivanka Trump Buys Holocaust Memorial Wall To Use On Mexican Border.

 –USA Today—

While visiting Berlin, Germany, the daughter of President Trump has today bought the entire Holocaust Memorial Wall with the intention of putting it to use on the U.S/Mexican border to “keep those little fucken Mexican wankers off of my Daddy’s back yard.”

“Very good. Looks solid enough. Those annoying little spic fucks will never get through this motherfucker.”

Ivanka went on to say, “I think it’s wonderful, perhaps even fitting in a way, that I buy this wall from you, the Germans. You see, the Mexicans are to us like the jews were to you.”

“Hahaha, very funny you moldy old dickheads, look, just show me how to make more wall and get on with it cunts.”

Local Despot Has Failed Family Crest Maker Melted Down And Sprayed Onto Failed Family Crest.

 –NY Times–

A local despot, disappointed with a family crest that was lovingly hand-crafted for him over the course of the last 3 years, has had the craftsman responsible for the off-colour artwork melted down and sprayed directly onto the crest.

“I ORDERED GOLD. NOT FUCKING YELLOW.”

“If I wanted fucking yellow I would have asked for fucking yellow” sneered the vicious despot. “Keep it? No, I’m not going to fucking keep it. It’s not gold. That being, the colour I fucking asked for. The dogs seem to like licking it, perhaps they can smell something on it that I cannot. I’ll mount the yellow piece of shit in the servants quarters, to serve as a daily reminder to those gay black faggots down there as to what will happen if they fuck up too.”

“Yellow? I piss on yellow.”

“Now? What am I doing right now? Obviously, I’m pissing all over this fucking servant that I’ve just kicked unconscious, that’s what I’m doing right fucking now. Cameras still rolling? ROLL ON, SONY MOTHERFUCKERS.”

Trump Selects Tom Petty As New Immigration Chief

 –NY Times–

In something of a surprise move, President Trump has selected 80’s rocker Tom Petty as his new Immigration Chief. Mr Petty has no previous political experience whatsoever. “I’ve always been impressed by his detailed immigration manifesto” said Trump. “Very impressed. He’s very detailed about it.”

“Don’t come around here no morrre…”

“I like his attitude here” said Trump. “Brief and straight to the point.”

“You don’t have to liiive like a refugeeee…”

“What? Of course refugees have to live like refugees… that’s what they are. Refugees. Maybe I’ll have to get Tom into the Oval Office and seek further policy clarification on this one.

“The waaiiiiting is the hardest part…”

“Excellent. Let the refugees and foreign freaks wait and wait and wait, all the while thinking waiting is the hardest part. Because Tom said it is. Maybe we’ll play that song at airport detention centers over and over again to confuse the waiting foreigners for a while until we set them to work building my huge goddamn Mexican wall.”

Surprise U.S Supreme Court Judge Appointment

 –-NY Times–

A local Australian woman has surprisingly been nominated as the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States of America. “We were all goddamn terrified of Aunty Doris” confided a US senator anonymously, still trembling with fear. “She struck the fear of God into the entire Senate Committee and we immediately ratified her nomination and hurriedly swore her in. Jesus Christ do I need a drink.”

According to the newest US Supreme Court Justice – to be addressed as “Aunty Doris Gunston of Wollongong fucken Australia” – she randomly flicked on the telly one day and immediately knew the post was her true calling. “Plus my shithead nephew Wayne told me I am fucken perfect for the Supreme Court. I watch Judge Judy every day for a bloody start. Plus, there’s Pizza Supreme. So where’s my fucken chair you fat cunts and get the bloody hell out of my way.”

Mrs Gunston has stated she has no partisan agenda. “Firm but fair, that is my policy” said the newly-appointed Judge Gunston. “I have 3 adult nephews who I still administer sound beatings to when the ugly little wankers step out of line. Gene-0 with his sly dog-rooting, Wayne with his fucken urinal cakes hidden in his hair dropping out all over the fucken house and bloody Trevor idiotically propping up deep-frozen cadavers on the bloody sofa so the dead pricks can pretend to watch telly all night for a laugh.”

When asked as to what her stance is on capital punishment, Aunty Doris had this to say:

And furthermore, when queried as to whether she has had a meeting with US President Donald Trump yet, Aunty Doris stated she has already sent the President some of her patented homemade scones “but the fat twat hasn’t even written back about the fucken things yet, for fucks sake, I made the little bastards half-fucken orange, just like his huge fucken head, what’s not to bloody like there.”

Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie To Square Off In WWF Grudge Match

 –NY Times–

Nuremburg Barbie and Burrito Barbie have agreed to meet in a pay-per-view WWF wrestling match. The president’s advisor versus the Mexcian border children’s concentration camp commandant. No holds barred. The pair have never met before in a professional wrestling match.

“I am going to fuck that nazi kiddie gitmo bitch up” yelled Nuremburg Barbie from her training camp in, ironically, Tijuana, Mexico where she now resides having defected from the U.S last year. “That predator-chinned swamp slag is going downnnnnn” retorted Burrito Barbie from behind her press pulpit at the White House.

Burrito Barbie on the left and Nuremburg Barbie on the right;

“After I fuck all of her shit up I will have her extradited from Mexico and incarcerated in my spic kiddie gitmo with all the other wetback dwarves” yelled Burrito Barbie. “My patented reverse flying suplex tortilla wrap manoeuvre will leave her in a motherfucking wheelchair. By the way, there is NO wheelchair access at my kiddie gitmo so she can sit outside in the rain crying with the other tardranching spics.”

“I will bite the hair right off her fucking head” retorted Nuremburg Barbie. “Then I will send the blonde locks in an envelope to Big Donnie for his latest silky-smooth pube fracking upgrade. Silky smooth, Big Donnie. Silky fucken smooth.”

Nuremburg Barbie Picks Up New Sponsor.

 –NY Times–

The Special Counselor to President Trump, Dr Nuremburg Barbie, has today confirmed that her new sponsor is agrochemical giant Monsanto.

“Yes, I can indeed confirm that I do now have a sponsorship deal with Monsanto. They reverse-engineered a fertiliser that once I spray all up and down my birth hatch enables me to grow incredibly long pubes. Then, once the pubus memoralis reach the required length, they can be harvested and reappropriated on top of President Trump’s head” stated the Special Counsel, her eyes aglow.

“Yes, I can confirm that President Trump’s hair is already comprised mostly of my pubes” she went on to add. “I would say about 98% of current growth. No further comment. No, ‘Monsanto’ is not a Mexican word. You must be thinking of the word ‘mosquito’. That is a Mexican word. No further comment. Mattel? What has Mattel got to do with it? Pardon? Yes, I am paid handsomely for my contribution to world head piece. No, President Trump and I do not jokingly call his hair ‘the Tijuana Twat Tassles’ for a laugh. No further comment. No, we don’t call his hairdo the Taco Trump Tower Triffids either. No, there are no side effects to the fertiliser. I just have foot-long pubes that’s all.”

Nuremburg Barbie Defects to Mexico

 –NY Times–

Amidst the recent confusion swirling around the US due to the controversial nature of President Trump’s governance, Nuremburg Barbie has quietly gone and defected to fucken Mexico.

“Hola, cunts.”
–Nuremburg Barbie in sunny downtown Mexico.

The blonde-haired reptilian advisor to President Trump tonight explained that “I just cannot afford to donate any more of my fucken hair to the Trumpster. I’m getting dangerously thin up there. Plus, the orange cunt’s already fracked my pubes halfway to fucken Tijuana and back and gone and sewn the poor little cunts to the top of his fucken head.”

Upon being informed of the defection, President Trump immediately announced open auditions on the 25th floor of Trump Tower for the vacant position of Presidential Advisor which is “open to all chicks with blonde hair and big blonde frackable pubes.”

Trump Solves “Non-Existent” Climate Change Issue In 30 Seconds.

 –NY Times–

President Donald Trump has today come up with a novel solution for the climate change issue currently manifesting itself globally in the form of rising ocean levels.

“Look, they tell me the ocean levels are rising…” said the skeptical Commander in Chief. “Personally, I don’t believe it. Too much water? So what are they waiting for? Just use fire to burn the excess water off. Your local fire department can do that. Send a fire engine to the beach. They can use fire to lower the ocean levels. One beach at a time. Less water means lower ocean levels. That’s basic science. Use fire. Fire is a well known heat generator. Fire can burn all sorts of things. Including water. Easy. Problem solved. Next!”

“Hurry up, get to that goddamn beach, this global warming shit is a race against time.”

Donald Trump Solves Climate Change Crisis.

--USA Today–

President Trump has today announced that he has a simple solution to the planet’s rising ocean levels. 

“We have an excess of water? It will soon flood the planet? No biggie. We have volcanoes. It’s simple. Pour the excess water down into the volcanoes to where the lava stuff is. Lava is hot and will turn the water into steam. That’s Science 101. Hey presto, no more water. What are the science guys doing? Do I have to think of everything around here? Of course, this is very dangerous work to do manually because volcanoes are highly radioactive and are hot to the touch. So each science guy will only have 90 seconds to carry his bucket of water up the volcano to the crater edge to dump his water into the burning lava. We will have millions of scientists doing this climate changing task. A huge conga line of scientists, leading all the way up the volcano mountain. The hugest conga line. Huge. It’ll be like a party for the science guys. Hey science guys, instead of complaining about climate change, get up off your asses and high-tail it up the volcano and fix the damn thing! I’m thinking of making this world-changing event into a reality TV show. A bit like ‘The Apprentice’ except maybe with a different title. Maybe ‘Global Climate Chernobyl Volcano Love Island’. Or ‘Climate Change Conga A-Go-Go Bucket Challenge.’ Or ‘Apprentice Science Guy Versus Lava’.

“Sometime today, science guy. Do you want climate change or not?”