“Where the fuck is Jeff?” – Pope John Paul III.

–Vatican Weekly–

Pope John Paul III has reportedly alarmed religious figures by today being overheard at a Vatican luncheon mumbling “where the fuck is Jeff?” in reference to recently deceased financier Mr Jeffrey Epstein.

“Fucking hell, I invited the randy cunt here for lunch and the tosser doesnt even fucken show up.”
–His Holiness Pope John Paul III.

The Pope, apparently unaware of Mr Epstein’s recent passing, went on to murmur “damnit, where’s Jeff when I need him, my blue blooded wanger has got the blue balls something real fucken bad here. I need to get my cassocked cock back on the Lolita Express and back to Kiddiefuck Island for a fix of altar boys and vestibule virgins. Shit man, does this cashed-up pedo kingpin ever fucking return calls?”

“Didnt you hear me shithead, I said WHERE THE FUUUUUUUUUCK IS JEFFRRREEYYYYYYYY?”

Local Man Misunderstands Meaning of “Bibliophile”.

 –RST–

A local man has today taken grave offense at being labelled a “bibliophile”.

“You fucking cunt. Are you insinuating that I root underage bibles? I am deeply fucken offended at that insinuation, you fucken dickhead.”

“I am gravely offended by your accusation” continued the local man, Mr Bruce Saint. “All of the bibles I root are well above the age of consent. Some of them are almost 300 years old. Is that old enough for you cunt? Unbelievable. You can’t just glance at some poor buggers massive collection of grot mags and call them a “bibliophile”? What the fuck is wrong with you? Fucken rude cunt. Last grot mag I’m ever fucken lending you.”

Jesus Christ Revisits Earth On Xmas Day But Instantly Killed By Flying Pot Plant.

–USA Today–

Footage is coming through of a miraculous Xmas day sighting of Our Lord Jesus Christ Our Saviour suddenly reappearing in a random kitchen only to be instantly killed again, this time by a flying pot plant.

“OH HAY GUYZ, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, I’M BA

The pot plant, now believed to be a satanic missive somehow conjured from a nefarious realm, was unavailable for comment.

Japan To Publish Own Bible.

 –Japan Times–

Japan, renowned for its insular & xenophobic ways, is said to have grown sick of the “gaijin bible” and is set to publish their own version of the all-time best-selling fantasy novel. “Foreigner bible is Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. It is 100% gaijin” lamented Japan’s Minister for Upskirt Haberdashery, Dr Masahiro Sato.

“Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Japan Bible is Momoko, Mari, Luna and Janet in their togs at seaside captured through Nikon XL.003 telephoto lens from 200 yards.”
Dr Masahiro Sato.

“Old gaijin bible version from Roman days is little to no Japanese representation” continued Dr Sato. “Japan is not breaking bread and red wine parting sea. This is what the actual fuck. This is foreigner fantasy in foreigner land. Breaking bread? Japan national dish is scalded dolphin embryo delicately garnished with whale nits. Fuck bread. Besides, modern Japan today prophet is all 13-year old girl in togs, preferably with own series of high-gloss photobook. Preferably it is I want autographed copy. I have many such religious artifacts. It is like deep sea scrolls for chipmunk-speed masturbation. I wait in line for each new age parchment. I wait overnight. I take thermos. And sleeping bag. It is girl of youth that is worshipped idol of Japan, therefore religious deity. Not some gaijin sandal-wear hippie carpenter gaijin man. Japan faith today is stand in line to get high-culture artifact photobook autographed and ask for cute smile from religious deity and, for pre-arranged fee, and thrill of lifetime, possible personal photo opportunity. Keep the faith, Japan. Therefore, in good faith, after parliamentary deliberation, Japan bible is AKB48 photobook. It is unanimous choice and hastily rush bill through parliament and whip off home early for massive new testiclement Japan bible masturbation session.”

“Fuck Moses, fuck Red Sea parting. Japan new biblical epoch is new season bikini testiclement cleavage parting in high-gloss 3-D.”
-Dr Sato.

Pope leaves penis in ex-comfort woman’s mouth.

–Seoul Times–

The Pope, The Rt.Hon John Paul Jones III, is today reported to have left his male sexual organ inside the mouth of a Korean septuagenerian churchgoer.

The episode occurred at a church service in Korea. The elderly churchgoer informed the Pope that she served as a sex slave to the Japanese Imperial Army during World War II and The Rt.Hon John Paul Jones Popey McPopepope III immediately whipped out his divine rod of unforgiving forgiveness and began to administer his own new and original special brand of hot salami tongue depressor communion instead.

When confronted afterwards about the peculiar communion the Pope was unapologetic and dismissed criticism by saying “my son, sometimes the cock is divine.”

“Look at the hole, slut. It’s why they call me ‘Your Holiness’.”

“Oh, don’t mind him” said one of his aides (pictured above, on the left). “He does this sort of thing all the time. He left his speckled drill bit in my mouth once. Overnight. An all-nighter. Then he woke up and laughed it off saying “Oops! There it is! I was wondering where that old thing was, haha.”

The comfort woman was unavailable for comment although, on the positive side, she seems to have completely forgotten why it was she went to the church in the first fuckin’ place.