Prince William adapting to life with ugly mongrel

 –Telegraph–

Prince William is said to be adapting to life with his ugly mongrel. “At first I thought the little cunt was so ugly that I would have to biff him out with the fucking burnables” said the Prince. “And the constant fucking yapping just about drove me bonkers. I must confess, I did end up booting the little shit down the stairs more than once. ‘Just fuck up!’ I’d yell. The poxy cunt still sleeps outside. It’s the smell more than anything. Kate goes out to be with him some nights. I even put a little mattress outside there for the two of them. Now that I think about it… sometimes the two of them get a little bit too friendly…. oh well, he has got a huge cock so I suppose that part is understandable.”

“I didn’t miss anything. I’ve seen the vids.”

Local Toffs Turn Up For Golf “Ridiculously Overdressed”.

 –NZ Herald–

A pair of toffs have turned up for a round of golf at the Onehunga Belchforth Daley golf course ridiculously overdressed for the occasion.

For fucks sake.

Resident hacker Hemi Hone Wiremu Heke confessed that he “mentioned to the tall poofter that a cravat was a bit flash for golf. The posh twit then rushed off and put on a necktie. Right over the top of the cravat.”

Pro shop junior staff member Mr Liaki Moli went on to say “the chick in the $600,000 dress and stupid marshmellow hat sidled up to me and whispered “how much?” to which I dumbly replied “what, for a root?” She just looked at me all serene-like and smiled, as if she could hold that expression for the next 60 years. Which I suppose is what she will have to do when you think about it. Anyway, I told her it was $40 bucks. She plonked down $80 without a second thought. I don’t think she realized that it’s $40 for one whole year. That’s the annual subs. $40. For only one round it’s $2.25.”

When quizzed as to whether their two infants would be joining them on the quagmire-like inland links course for a round, the posh couple laughed and said “by Joves no, I dashed well hope not. No, we’re trying to get rid of them. Do you want them? We only just recently adopted them and frankly they’re already starting to smell” said posh wife. “We flogged off the original two last month” said the taller toff. “They were so ugly and stupid and small and pongy. I think we gave the stumpier one away to an orphanage? I forget what happened to the bigger one. I think we just let the little goblin wander off down the street. Now then. Which one of you polly wollys has the keys to my new Golf?”

Queen Gives Birth to Royal Baby.

 –The Times–

The Queen of England has slightly astonished The Royal Household by giving birth to a healthy 7lb baby boy today . The father of the child is believed to be the Australian attache’ for Tokyo, Mr Bruce Saint.

“Eh?”
– Mr Saint.

Furthermore, the Queen has broken from centuries-old Royal protocol by electing not to give the child a traditional royal name:

Bruce Windsor of Buckingham Palace.
ALL HAIL KING BRUCIE.

“Oh shit. Yeh mate. Look at that little nutjob. Definitely one of mine.”

Mother and child are doing well. When contacted for comment Mr Saint
remarked “I cannot for the life of me recall rooting the bloody Queen!
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve rooted plenty of queens in my lifetime. A few randy granny trannies too. In fact, that reminds me of an interesting stor

Local Toff Makes Hair Offer

 –Times–

A local toff in Great Britain has offered a small child “50 quid” for her hair.

“What, all my hair?
“No, no, just the back bits. And the top bits.”

“Then, later on, I’ll get your hair bits stapled to my own head” continued the local toff as the small girl’s eyes started to well up with tears. “Come on shithead, whaddya say? You’ve got plenty of hair. Look, here, I even brought my own hair jars. So let’s get busy filling the goddamn hair jars up with hair and no more tears on a Tuesday please loyal subject.”

Local Resident Wildly Horny For Postman

–Times--

A local resident has today confessed to being wildly horny for her local postie.

“I get my hair done then put on my very best pearls in the hope he notices me” sighed the randy octagenarian pensioner. “My husband is mentally handicapped so he’s utterly hopeless. Plus he’s 97. The decrepit old git looks like he was mistakenly left out under a neighbouring planet’s acid sun for about 60 years. Ugh. Phil, I think his name is. Really, at my age, one of my few remaining joys is the dashing young postman who comes by at about this time every day.”

“He’s fucking late today.”

“Oh, the things I would do to that boy” continued the randy old biddy, her teeth bared and her eyes aglow. “I’d take the handsome young boy out on a fox hunt. Then I would ‘accidentally’ shoot Philip in the brains. Then the boy and I could live happily ever after at Sandringham.”

“For heavens sake, I don’t even care what mail the lad brings. Birthday cards, deeds to islands, Prince Harry’s DNA test results, invitations to rubbish kindy openings, I just don’t dashed well care. I just want that boy to take one final victory lap on my misty-eyed, rain-soaked Brands Hatch chicane.”

Royal baby to be put up for adoption

–The Times–

Prince William has today announced that his brother Prince Harry’s newborn son is to be put up for adoption.

“The shitfaced little wanker is simply too ugly to keep in our royal fucken family” said a clearly incensed Prince William. “He’s scaring me. He’s got no teeth. I fucking hate him. We all do.”

“Jesus, I’ve had better-looking curry shits than that.”
-A clearly fucked-off Prince William leaving Harry’s house at No.10 Buckingham Palace with the horribly failed infant.

“I knew my ginger cunt brother was adopted but this is fucking ridiculous.”

“I might put the little ogre up for sale on the Deep Web” ruminated the future King of England. “Maybe 400 quid? Seems like a fair price for the satanic little malformed grotesquerie. Fucking adopted Harry. He must have pierced Meghan’s shrek gene with his love prod. Oh well. He’ll get over it.”

Jeffrey Epstein Bequeaths Greta Thunberg To Prince Andrew In His Will

–Times–

Dead pedo billionaire Jeff Epstein has taken the bizarre step of bequeathing 16-year old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg to Prince Andrew in his will. Prince Andrew is the son of the Queen of England and is 7th in line to the Iron Throne of Westminster. The pertinent line in Epstein’s final will and testament read as follows:

• “I hereby bequeath that climate chick Greta to Andy. He may do with her as he wishes. He can even take the stroppy minx to my old Pedo Island if he likes. She can get active in that climate baby, FUCK YEAH!”

Ms Thunberg has sought legal counsel on the matter.

Prince Andrew has responded by issuing a statement claiming he has never heard of climate change or of Mr Epstein.

A spokeman for Mr Epstein’s 2020 Republican Presidential campaign also issued a statement saying that the campaign staff are “reassessing their options moving forward at this juncture.”