Local Mother Despairs Over Son's Twitter Activity

--NY Times--

A local mother has said she "despairs" over some of her sons grandiose aims as broadcast by the young man on his twitter account.

"I don't know, I just can't help but feel he's overreaching" said Elton's weary mother Mrs Frass. "Just start with small steps, I tell him, then once you have a steady source of income we'll move onto harnessing the moon's gravitational pull to slingshot armageddon upon the ashen faces of the nonbelievers or whatever it is you want to try to get done".

"To be frank, I just wish he'd try to get another job" continued Mrs Frass. "He sits in his bedroom all day on his portable telephone tweeting out all these pie-in-the-sky notions of 'crushing the sun for all eternity with his ashen hands' and what-have-you but, frankly, I just don't think he's fully thought through the logistics of some of these nebular undertakings. He did have a part-time job at Burger King once but the staff all got tired of him constantly making grandiose proclamations about vomiting the wind of Valhalla from angel wings aloft, borne upon the phantom-limbed one-eye of Zeus and so on and so forth and they quietly fired him".

A Quick Guide To Using Twitter

 –by Mark Zuckerberg

“Yessss, my little bees, just stay connected to the hive.”

HI GUYS. Here is a brief primer on how to use twitter.

Fill Out the Sign Up Form on Twitter’s Home Page With ALL Of Your Personal Private Information.

I cannot stress enough how imperative it is that you give us I mean them ALL of your personal and private information. It makes the job of the V2 algo harvest cylons so much easier. Or so I’ve heard.

First, go to www.twitter.com and sign up entering your real name, real email address, real phone number and any other real information you can think of. Real blood type, real favourite cereal, real social security number. Everything. The more you tell us, I mean, tell them, the more popular and therefore happier you will be. That’s basic twitter 101.

After filling out your name, email address, password, blood type, phone number, dick size, preferred tampon brand, shoe size, 1st alternate dick size, bumhole radius, dog’s dick size, dog’s girlfriend’s bumhole radius and mum’s shoe size then you click “Sign Up.” We now have all your information. Thanks. I can’t believe it was so easy. Again.

“Heyyy, thanks for signing up to twitter earlier today. Say, just briefly, you seem to have neglected to enter your dick size in any of the relevant fields? Just an oversight I’m sure. Soooo if we could have that rectified that’d be great. In inches would be fine. Doesn’t have to be now. Unless you’re not busy right now? Hey, I bet we’re in double digits down there, eh, eh? OH COME ON, GIZZA LOOK.”

Choose Your Twitter Username;

It’s crucial you give Twitter your real name because Twitter is all about real people. Like me. I’m a real person. How could I not be? Haha! Ha. Real name. Do not deviate from this most basic tenet of twitter. It makes it so much easier for the Daewoo algo G-7 profile protocol generators to binarize your portfolio. Or so I’ve heard.

Look at me, I signed up with my real name!

See! My real name!

Except for the “finkd” part, which is uhh, my pseudonym.

Fill Out Your Profile

Your next step should be to fill out your personal profile in great detail, in great, great, GREAT detail, so we, I mean they, can tailor your internet experience to best meet your needs.

All the shit you buy, toothpaste brands, cereal brands, tampons, shoe brands, tampons for your fucken dog, all that fascinatiing stuff that advertisers, I mean, twitter followers, love to read about, yeah, fill all that shit in, only a dumb fuck wouldn’t. Also specify your country, your city, and, oh what the hell, your mailing address. We I mean twitter PROMISE they won’t use any of this information for anything involving 3rd party sales to advertisers, Russians, or any combination thereof.

Next, upload a full-face picture of yourself, preferably front-on as this aids the biometric analytica scanners in compiling an accurate file on oh shit never mind.

Send Your First Tweet!

This is what a tweet looks like:

It’s all so fascinating and exciting. Thanks for your details I mean I hope these details assist you in your tweeting adventure.

Your pal,
-Zuck.

“OH GOD JUST PAY ME YOU FAT FUCKS.”