Anton’s Restaurant Capitalises On Climate Crisis

–AP Press–

World-renowned restaurant “Anton’s” have announced they are going to pounce on the climate change catastrophe as a “business opportunity” and proceed to procure animals from the rapidly-thawing arctic circle for their kitchen as these endangered animals no longer have a surplus of snow and ice in which to hide.

“We’ll find you, you fat freezing fucking little shitheads.”
–Anton.
https://antonsrestaurant.wixsite.com/animals

The Michelin 5-star eatery has long been at the forefont of cutting-edge cuisine with an international menu boasting exotic delicacies such as Flambed Vietnamese Goat Cock Kebab and Exploded Welsh Porcupine Nutsack Soup.

“Are you fucken laughing at me cunt? Or is that a frozen cry for help? Either way, #seal_stew.”

“You can’t just sit out there forever you fat useless blimp. So just swim the fuck over here and get in the fucking pot.”

“I don’t even know what the hell you are, fuzzy little wanker, who cares, in the fucken pot you go.”

Related Articles: https://antonsrestaurant.wixsite.com/animals

Prime Minister Sent To His Room Without Any Supper.

 –Toronto Times–

A small child visiting the Canadian Parliament on a guided tour has tonight sent the Canadian Prime Minister to his room without any supper. “I discovered that the individual in question was quietly disobeying climate change emission protocols which left me with little recourse other than to banish him to his room without any supper” said the stern little 12-year old girl.

“You know, maybe I could renegotiate the terms of my room confinement and perhaps possibly be permitted a light supper of a biscuit or tw
“NO BISCUITS. ROOM. NOW.”

Local Bloke jailed for depleting 8% of world’s ozone layer

 –Sydney Morning Herald—

A local bloke has been incarcerated for depleting 8% of the entire planet’s ozone layer with just his fucken hairspray.

“He has enough hairspray in there to send the Hindenburg to fucking Mars and back” stated Judge Gunston in is closing statements. ““His name is Gene-O Monaro. He stands 6”8 and plays A-grade club rugby on the weekends. But that’s beside the point right now. He has enough fluorocarbons in his hair to cause a polar bears’ pubes to burst into flames from 800,000 miles away.”

Related Articles:

• http://gunstonlegal.wixsite.com/legal

Gene-o Monaro: 6”8 rugby player with exploded pubes.

“I added 10 more years to his sentence for the crime of entering my courtroom wearing a comically stupid little sash as a ‘belt’ over the top of an enormous big thick bloody jacket. Ridiculous.”

“10 more years!”

“As for the hairspray, when he entered my courtroom, my thick swatch of dashing hair was greying in a distinguished manner” said the Judge. “By the time he left, my skull looked like the Amazonian rainforest had been shot through the flames of Satan’s arsepuck halfway to fucking Hades.”

“57 more years! Dickhead!”

Trump Solves “Non-Existent” Climate Change Issue In 30 Seconds.

 –NY Times–

President Donald Trump has today come up with a novel solution for the climate change issue currently manifesting itself globally in the form of rising ocean levels.

“Look, they tell me the ocean levels are rising…” said the skeptical Commander in Chief. “Personally, I don’t believe it. Too much water? So what are they waiting for? Just use fire to burn the excess water off. Your local fire department can do that. Send a fire engine to the beach. They can use fire to lower the ocean levels. One beach at a time. Less water means lower ocean levels. That’s basic science. Use fire. Fire is a well known heat generator. Fire can burn all sorts of things. Including water. Easy. Problem solved. Next!”

“Hurry up, get to that goddamn beach, this global warming shit is a race against time.”

Donald Trump Solves Climate Change Crisis.

--USA Today–

President Trump has today announced that he has a simple solution to the planet’s rising ocean levels. 

“We have an excess of water? It will soon flood the planet? No biggie. We have volcanoes. It’s simple. Pour the excess water down into the volcanoes to where the lava stuff is. Lava is hot and will turn the water into steam. That’s Science 101. Hey presto, no more water. What are the science guys doing? Do I have to think of everything around here? Of course, this is very dangerous work to do manually because volcanoes are highly radioactive and are hot to the touch. So each science guy will only have 90 seconds to carry his bucket of water up the volcano to the crater edge to dump his water into the burning lava. We will have millions of scientists doing this climate changing task. A huge conga line of scientists, leading all the way up the volcano mountain. The hugest conga line. Huge. It’ll be like a party for the science guys. Hey science guys, instead of complaining about climate change, get up off your asses and high-tail it up the volcano and fix the damn thing! I’m thinking of making this world-changing event into a reality TV show. A bit like ‘The Apprentice’ except maybe with a different title. Maybe ‘Global Climate Chernobyl Volcano Love Island’. Or ‘Climate Change Conga A-Go-Go Bucket Challenge.’ Or ‘Apprentice Science Guy Versus Lava’.

“Sometime today, science guy. Do you want climate change or not?”