Anton’s Restaurant Capitalises On Climate Crisis

–AP Press–

World-renowned restaurant “Anton’s” have announced they are going to pounce on the climate change catastrophe as a “business opportunity” and proceed to procure animals from the rapidly-thawing arctic circle for their kitchen as these endangered animals no longer have a surplus of snow and ice in which to hide.

“We’ll find you, you fat freezing fucking little shitheads.”
–Anton.
https://antonsrestaurant.wixsite.com/animals

The Michelin 5-star eatery has long been at the forefont of cutting-edge cuisine with an international menu boasting exotic delicacies such as Flambed Vietnamese Goat Cock Kebab and Exploded Welsh Porcupine Nutsack Soup.

“Are you fucken laughing at me cunt? Or is that a frozen cry for help? Either way, #seal_stew.”

“You can’t just sit out there forever you fat useless blimp. So just swim the fuck over here and get in the fucking pot.”

“I don’t even know what the hell you are, fuzzy little wanker, who cares, in the fucken pot you go.”

Related Articles: https://antonsrestaurant.wixsite.com/animals

Donald Trump Solves Climate Change Crisis.

--USA Today–

President Trump has today announced that he has a simple solution to the planet’s rising ocean levels. 

“We have an excess of water? It will soon flood the planet? No biggie. We have volcanoes. It’s simple. Pour the excess water down into the volcanoes to where the lava stuff is. Lava is hot and will turn the water into steam. That’s Science 101. Hey presto, no more water. What are the science guys doing? Do I have to think of everything around here? Of course, this is very dangerous work to do manually because volcanoes are highly radioactive and are hot to the touch. So each science guy will only have 90 seconds to carry his bucket of water up the volcano to the crater edge to dump his water into the burning lava. We will have millions of scientists doing this climate changing task. A huge conga line of scientists, leading all the way up the volcano mountain. The hugest conga line. Huge. It’ll be like a party for the science guys. Hey science guys, instead of complaining about climate change, get up off your asses and high-tail it up the volcano and fix the damn thing! I’m thinking of making this world-changing event into a reality TV show. A bit like ‘The Apprentice’ except maybe with a different title. Maybe ‘Global Climate Chernobyl Volcano Love Island’. Or ‘Climate Change Conga A-Go-Go Bucket Challenge.’ Or ‘Apprentice Science Guy Versus Lava’.

“Sometime today, science guy. Do you want climate change or not?”