–SMH–
In the wake of this weeks’ cheating scandal in Australian cricket, and in somewhat of a shock move, Cricket Australia have today replaced their CEO and instead installed Wollongong local Trevor Gunston as the acting CEO of Cricket Australia, effective as of immediately. Mr Gunston was voted in by an overwhelming show of hands down at Bondi beach after standing on his eskie and yelling “fuck these cunts, who the fucks with me?”
“I’ll sort all these hopeless fucken cunts out, no fucken problem there.”
–new Cricket Australia CEO, Mr T.Gunston.
Mr Gunston has already adjudicated over his first press conference.
Q: How can Darren Lehmann escape charges given the apparent relaying of messages to Cameron Bancroft?
You mean Dazza? Dazza’s a good cunt, albeit a bit thin on top. My fuckwit brother Wayne’s got some scented urinal cakes he could rub on there, get a bit of follicular activity going. Sorry, what was the fucken question?
Q: How could he not know given the culture around the team, and is he culpable on a wider level?
Look, cunt, being a baldy is no crime. Of course he fucken knows he’s a bald cunt, the culture of the team has nothing to do with his moon dome. Did you write these fuckwit questions yourself or did Gene-o slip something in your drink? Useless f****** c***** b*******.
Q: How much scrutiny will Lehmann face during the culture review?
During the what? The culture review? What the fuck is that? Do I have to take these fat cunts to the fucken theatre? Bit of fucken Macbeth or some shit? Fine then. We’ll make Dazza wear a cravat or some rubbish. There, satisfied? Cunt.
Q: How much did David Warner’s history contribute to receiving the harshest penalty?
He’s a dickhead. It’s not rocket science. Until you involve either rockets and/or science. Next question please. Fuckwit.
Q: What about allegations from South Africa about the use of sandpaper [the bandage on Warner’s left hand] in Port Elizabeth?
Look cunt, South Africa has a long history of legalised persecution of black people so I’m not about to start placing any credence in anything those nazi fuckwits have got to say for themselves now.
Q: Will you investigate?
Investigate what? For fucks sake. I am trying to conduct an informative press conference here in my capacity as CEO of Cricket Australia. Have you been on the piss?
Q: Will they get contracts for 2018-19?
If by “contracts” you mean will we take out contracts on their lives, whereupon a certain local business is contracted to murder the individuals and dispose of their corpses in the quarry then I can answer an unequivocal “no.” There will be NO contract killings under my watch for AT LEAST the first 3 months of my tenure.
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Q: They have been banned by the IPL – did you have the authority to reject NOCs?
FBI, CIA, NASA, these are all acronyms with which we each have varying degrees of affinity. Here’s another one for you; C.U.N.T. Look that one up ya fuckwit.
Q: Would you be happy if they did play county cricket?
Oh so now you’re asking me about some rando’s fucken happiness? Jesus, is there any focus at all to your questions? Yes, I’m happy when some other cunt is happy doing some other thing, that makes them happy, in some other place. For fucks sake, next you’ll be asking my am I happy when some random prick in Burma is happy having his cup of dung tea in the fucken morning. Random cunt. Next question better be a good one you fuckwit.
Q: Were bigger bans contemplated?
Bands don’t generally play at the cricket, we pipe the music over the stadium P.A. Have you ever even been to a fucken cricket match? Thick dickhead. How the fuck did you even get this fucken job?
Q: Can Smith captain Australia again?
Of course. Smith is a very common name in Australia so in the future there is a likelihood that a Smith can captain Australia fuck me mate do you want the fucken lottery numbers too while I’m here?
Q: Has Warner got a steeper path than Smith?
Warner is a slightly rarer name than Smith so ergo visa visor his path will be that much steeper. For fucks sake, next you’ll be asking me has Bodhisatva got a steeper path than Warner.
Q: Was the harsh penalty for ball-tampering or outrage?
Fuck mate, talk about painting me into a corner, giving me only 2 bloody options? Maybe it was cos I thought Warner was an ugly cunt? Did you factor that tangent into your question diorama, no, didn’t think so. ‘Journalist’, my ball-tampered cock.
Q: How much more damage could there be done if the matter goes to a hearing?
Sky’s the limit mate. We could find out Warner bets on the ponies. Or stores kidnapped toddlers in his basement. Or is actually left-handed. Or was born in New Zealand. Oh God, that last one, my tampered balls just actually shuddered, cancel any and all scheduled hearings.
Q: Given Warner has got in strife before, were you worried he might transgress again?
Well he’s not a tranny if that’s what you’re asking.
Q: Regarding culture. Smith said before Cape Town he was not in a great headspace. He was talking about batting, but still. Under umbrella of culture, are you looking at that part of it?
We will not rule out any element of culture for Dazza’s big night out sporting a tux, cravat and kaftan, whether that be theatre, opera or interpretative dance mime.
Q: What is Warner’s future like given apparent breakdown of his relationship with the rest of the team?
If you’re asking me do the rest of the team want Warner dead then my answer to that is what’s it worth to you?
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