Australia Sell France Another Submarine

--Sydney Morning Herald-

Australia has sold France yet another submarine. "Yeah mate, 55 billion for this one, payment in advance Pierre, you fucken cunt" said lead engineer Trevor Gunston of the Gunston Heavy Industries Consortium. 

"This fat cunt comes fitted with 12 of the biggest fucken speakers you've ever seen in your whole bloody life" continued Mr Gunston. "And cos' you'll be out in the middle of the ocean with no neighbours to disturb, you can crank those massive cunts as loud as you fucking like!"

Le HMS Gunston Decibellator.

"This is going to be the LOUDEST submarine in the whole fucken ocean. Guaranteed. GUNSTON FUCKEN GAURANTEE, Pierre."

"But Mr Trevor... we don't want our submarine to be noisy. We want it to be qui..."

"Would you frog cunts please just fucken lighten up a bit? There's no neighbours out in the middle of the ocean to disturb. Just enjoy the sun and surf and crank some tunes".

"Mr Gunston, how do the speakers work once submerged underwater, won't the water ruin the spea

"Uhh, cheque's cleared, no refunds, thanks Pierre, pleasure doing business with ya as always"

Wacko Jacko's Bumcrack To Be Exhumed For DNA Analysis.

--USA Today--

The King Of Pop, Michael Jackson, is to have his bumcrack exhumed from his grave by a crack team of scientists in order to test it with DNA analysis. 

"If we find DNA from E.T's space todger still wedged up Wacko Jacko's clacka then we've got that adorable little interstellar rapist bang to fucken rights" said Neverland estate spokesman Mr Tito Jackson.

The King of Pop pictured here with E.T in a file photo from 1982.

"Yeah, E.T's definitely feeling good about bad thoughts in that 1982 file photo..." continued Mr Tito Jackson, Michael's older brother. "Filthy little space wanker. I reckon they'll find buckets of that pervy little space sodomists leftover stiffy DNA still wedged up Jacko's violated clacka. Fucken buckets of it. It might not have even dried yet. Who fucken knows how long it takes for space alien sperm to dry? I certainly don't know. I've never even thought about such a thing to be honest. Hang on, maybe that's why Jacko always wore that white glove? E.T made him wear it and forced Jacko to wipe the spoof off E.T's revolting little space prong after he'd finished raping him. To hide the DNA evidence. Poor Jacko. I reckon we need to exhume the white glove too".

Harvey Weinstein To Donate Cock To Smithsonian

 –NY Times–

Disgraced Hollywood movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has pledged that upon his passing he will donate his cock to The Smithsonian Institute. “This piece has shaped the movie industry for the last 3 decades” said Weinstein. “It has seen everything. It has been the ultimate powerbroker in the industry. Million dollar careers and billion dollar movie franchises have risen and fallen in accordance with the whims of the cock.”

The empty display case currently reserved for Harvey Weinstein’s cock.

Mr Weinstein is currently recovering from sex in his Sex Recovery Clinic which is located in Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion.

Connery Visits Summit.

 –AP Press–

Sean Connery, the legendary former James Bond actor, has made a surprise unannounced appearance at an International United Nations Summit in Geneva.

The world-famous former Bond actor held court for roughly ten minutes before being forcibly escorted from the premises.

“Look. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Hello? Does anyone here even speak English?”

Connery is world-famous for appearing in Bond films such as “Bondfinger”, “Never Say Die”, “Live and Let Live” and “Five Go Mad in Dorset.”