Gunston Rugby Golf.

 Hello.

Gene Gunston here.

Are you sick of golf? Of course you are! It’s a bloody stupid game! In case you haven’t noticed, the golf hole itself is ridiculously small. Especially compared to the massive acres of parkland you have to wander around to even find the little pinprick of a fucken hole.

Well, rest easy because have we got the sport for you.

Rugby Golf!

All you have to do is tonk your ball over the rugby goalposts and that’s it. Hole finished. Par 5? Just tonk it over the posts and pencil in birdie or some shit. You’re getting the hang of it already! Fuck the green, fuck the flag and fuck the stupid little tinpot hole you can hardly even fucken find. They can all piss right off.

Let’s take a leisurely stroll around The Gunston Rugby Golf Links Course.

It is now available for bookings.

One round is $69,995.

Book now!

The 1st

The round starts now! Yes, as soon as you get out of your car. Start tonking!

The 2nd

What the hell is goign on here? Fuckit, just play through. Give yourself an albatross or something.

The 3rd

Pretty basic tonking action here. Straight through the uprights.

The 4th

“WHAT’S THAT? SORRY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”

The 5th

Makeable par 5.

Unless you swing like a girl.

The 6th

Fairly simple 3-iron draw shot to make par here.

The 7th

What? “Where’s the fuckin goalposts” you say? Well, they’re about 200 metres behind that lass standing by the hole. Start tonking! If she’s in your way just smash it right thru her! Take a drop! Take a drop right off her fucking head!

The 8th

Piece of piss.

The 9th

Make sure you put your club right through the ball here. Might still be some time on the clock for a quick restart.

The 10th

Instant albatross.

The 11th

Back-to-back albatrosses. You are on fire!

The 12th

Come on, mum. Put your back into it.

Old people usually end up crying on this hole.

The 13th

I recommend a lofted club on this hole. And earmuffs.

The 14th

Relive the magic and excitement of the waterlogged Eden Park test of 1975. Get tonking!

The 15th

Any goalposts will do. Definite birdie chance.

The 16th

Trickier than it looks

The 17th

Don’t worry. That little boat comes back like clockwork, once every week.

The 18th

The 18th, the showpiece of The Gunston Rugby Golf Links Course.

Be sure to stop off in the clubhouse after your round for a few beers and a yarn.

Don’t worry, this hole is perfectly safe. There’s no glass in the windows.

Local Toffs Turn Up For Golf “Ridiculously Overdressed”.

 –NZ Herald–

A pair of toffs have turned up for a round of golf at the Onehunga Belchforth Daley golf course ridiculously overdressed for the occasion.

For fucks sake.

Resident hacker Hemi Hone Wiremu Heke confessed that he “mentioned to the tall poofter that a cravat was a bit flash for golf. The posh twit then rushed off and put on a necktie. Right over the top of the cravat.”

Pro shop junior staff member Mr Liaki Moli went on to say “the chick in the $600,000 dress and stupid marshmellow hat sidled up to me and whispered “how much?” to which I dumbly replied “what, for a root?” She just looked at me all serene-like and smiled, as if she could hold that expression for the next 60 years. Which I suppose is what she will have to do when you think about it. Anyway, I told her it was $40 bucks. She plonked down $80 without a second thought. I don’t think she realized that it’s $40 for one whole year. That’s the annual subs. $40. For only one round it’s $2.25.”

When quizzed as to whether their two infants would be joining them on the quagmire-like inland links course for a round, the posh couple laughed and said “by Joves no, I dashed well hope not. No, we’re trying to get rid of them. Do you want them? We only just recently adopted them and frankly they’re already starting to smell” said posh wife. “We flogged off the original two last month” said the taller toff. “They were so ugly and stupid and small and pongy. I think we gave the stumpier one away to an orphanage? I forget what happened to the bigger one. I think we just let the little goblin wander off down the street. Now then. Which one of you polly wollys has the keys to my new Golf?”

Golf Wanker Mickelson Accused of Cheating.

 – -Golf Times—

Golfer Phil Mickelson has hinted at legal action after being accused by a fellow pro of “kicking it around most of the back nine”.

Tiger Woods was quoted in The San Francisco Chronicle yesterday as saying that Mickelson “kicked it most of the way around the back nine when I played with him. He thought nobody was watching. He even whistled while he did it, to casually make it seem like nothing was happening”.

Mickelson (right) having to resort to using golf clubs because there are too many people watching him at the moment.

The USGA has a new rule this year clearly stipulating that kicking it around the back nine is a big no-no.

“No one watches him” continued Woods, “they’re all watching me so he thinks he can just give it a casual sort of kick out of the rough and shit. Fucking obvious. Then he yells out “oh shit, earthquake!” as his ball squirts out from behind a tree or some garbage. Fucking loser.”

When asked yesterday about Wood’s quote about him cheating, Mickelson declined to get into what he referred to as “my ball-kicking thing”. Instead, he suggested that Woods should get back to work “carrying my fucking bag”.

“Carry my bag or I’ll kick both of your balls around the back nine.”– Mickelson to Woods.