Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has today confessed that he enjoys watching all 2 billion of his “children” having a tug on the internet. “I watch through secretly installed backdoor data mining malware apps. I’m the only one who has the code key. Go fuck yourselves.”
“I like to watch.” –Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.
“Haha, come on though, I’m just kidding. I haven’t watched ALL of my children having a tug” chided the billionaire CEO. “Don’t be silly, there’s simply not enough hours in the day for that. In fact, I’d say I’ve barely seen even half of the 2 billion wankers extraditing the ol’ plaintiff. Badgering the witness. Call it what you will.”
“Excuse me but I just popped over to say that I saw you on the internet having a tug. Just wanted to catch up with you and say congratulations on the MASSIVE wang. Big fan here.”
The source of yesterday’s online outage which crippled large sections of the internet has apparently been traced.
It leads directly to Bill Gates computer keyboard in Africa:
Gates and his idiotic computer camouflage techniques in Africa. Once a nerd, always a nerd.
The supposedly philanthropic computer mogul is currently in Africa secretly trying to sell more of his shitty Microsoft computers to starving confused crying cross-eyed African single mothers.
Gates has apparently backflipped on his lifelong technological convictions and now believes sites like twitter and Amazon should be done away with and computer enthusiasts should get back to what he invented the machines for in the first place: a way to avoid girls and play “Pong” in the basement. “That’s why I simply pushed Ctrl + A + f7 and brought down half the internet” said Gates. “I wrote this shit, remember. Tards.”
“In your face, Zuckerberg. Fucken loser.”
Gates is, surprisingly, still now the Unofficial Pong World Champion after beating Steven Jobs in his basement in 1974. The two had another teenage nerd lawyer friend draw up a contract prior to the match-up declaring the winner World Champion in perpetuity, two years before the game was released to the rest of the world.
Gates has promised further attacks unless people stop “using computers for internetting.”
“Yessss, my little bees, just stay connected to the hive.”
HI GUYS. Here is a brief primer on how to use twitter.
Fill Out the Sign Up Form on Twitter’s Home Page With ALL Of Your Personal Private Information.
I cannot stress enough how imperative it is that you give us I mean them ALL of your personal and private information. It makes the job of the V2 algo harvest cylons so much easier. Or so I’ve heard.
First, go to www.twitter.com and sign up entering your real name, real email address, real phone number and any other real information you can think of. Real blood type, real favourite cereal, real social security number. Everything. The more you tell us, I mean, tell them, the more popular and therefore happier you will be. That’s basic twitter 101.
After filling out your name, email address, password, blood type, phone number, dick size, preferred tampon brand, shoe size, 1st alternate dick size, bumhole radius, dog’s dick size, dog’s girlfriend’s bumhole radius and mum’s shoe size then you click “Sign Up.” We now have all your information. Thanks. I can’t believe it was so easy. Again.
“Heyyy, thanks for signing up to twitter earlier today. Say, just briefly, you seem to have neglected to enter your dick size in any of the relevant fields? Just an oversight I’m sure. Soooo if we could have that rectified that’d be great. In inches would be fine. Doesn’t have to be now. Unless you’re not busy right now? Hey, I bet we’re in double digits down there, eh, eh? OH COME ON, GIZZA LOOK.”
Choose Your Twitter Username;
It’s crucial you give Twitter your real name because Twitter is all about real people. Like me. I’m a real person. How could I not be? Haha! Ha. Real name. Do not deviate from this most basic tenet of twitter. It makes it so much easier for the Daewoo algo G-7 profile protocol generators to binarize your portfolio. Or so I’ve heard.
Look at me, I signed up with my real name!
See! My real name!
Except for the “finkd” part, which is uhh, my pseudonym.
Fill Out Your Profile
Your next step should be to fill out your personal profile in great detail, in great, great, GREAT detail, so we, I mean they, can tailor your internet experience to best meet your needs.
All the shit you buy, toothpaste brands, cereal brands, tampons, shoe brands, tampons for your fucken dog, all that fascinatiing stuff that advertisers, I mean, twitter followers, love to read about, yeah, fill all that shit in, only a dumb fuck wouldn’t. Also specify your country, your city, and, oh what the hell, your mailing address. We I mean twitter PROMISE they won’t use any of this information for anything involving 3rd party sales to advertisers, Russians, or any combination thereof.
Next, upload a full-face picture of yourself, preferably front-on as this aids the biometric analytica scanners in compiling an accurate file on oh shit never mind.
Send Your First Tweet!
This is what a tweet looks like:
It’s all so fascinating and exciting. Thanks for your details I mean I hope these details assist you in your tweeting adventure.
Recent data hacks from Facebook have revealed that the epicentre of online porn consumption can be traced to a small house in Wollongong, Australia. “Yeah a bloke called Gene-o has pulled it at a bloody alarming rate since the first fucken day we started collecting stats” confided a Facebook data analyst. “Octopus bukkake, tranny grannies, donkey incest, bugger me there’s basically nothing the bloke hasn’t fucken tugged it to.”
“You left out the amputee shit.” –Gene-o of Wollongong.
“Some other inhabitants of the house are also in our red zone” continued the analyst. “One individual named ‘Trevor’ is actually onto his third dick. He wore out the other two. Our data indicates he has perused no less than 812,922,001 video clips in the last 10 years specifically related to rooting car exhaust pipes. He is fucked in the head.”
“Mate, last vid was some NASA shit, fucken silicon fibre I reckon.” –Mr Trevor of Wollongong
“However the most alarming statistic comes from, quite incredibly, yet another individual residing in the very same house, a Mr Wayne Gunston. He has only viewed the one video clip in the last 10 years of facebook records, however, he has viewed the one clip, which runs for 22 seconds, a chart-topping 2,902,399 times and counting. It is some sort of public dunny rooting clip where a bloke gets a urinal cake jammed up his bumcrack by some old lady. This drives Wayne wild. Sends him into the throes of sexual ecstasy. It’s all he watches. He is a fucking lunatic.”
“Might sign up for this facebook bullshit. Could do with a new vid.” –Wayne.
![[IMG]](https://i2.wp.com/img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/zuck2_zpsv6head8q.jpg?w=840)
![[IMG]](https://i2.wp.com/img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/Bent/zuck_zpsrc1bsyzd.png?w=840)
