Anton’s Restaurant Capitalises On Climate Crisis

–AP Press–

World-renowned restaurant “Anton’s” have announced they are going to pounce on the climate change catastrophe as a “business opportunity” and proceed to procure animals from the rapidly-thawing arctic circle for their kitchen as these endangered animals no longer have a surplus of snow and ice in which to hide.

“We’ll find you, you fat freezing fucking little shitheads.”
–Anton.
https://antonsrestaurant.wixsite.com/animals

The Michelin 5-star eatery has long been at the forefont of cutting-edge cuisine with an international menu boasting exotic delicacies such as Flambed Vietnamese Goat Cock Kebab and Exploded Welsh Porcupine Nutsack Soup.

“Are you fucken laughing at me cunt? Or is that a frozen cry for help? Either way, #seal_stew.”

“You can’t just sit out there forever you fat useless blimp. So just swim the fuck over here and get in the fucking pot.”

“I don’t even know what the hell you are, fuzzy little wanker, who cares, in the fucken pot you go.”

Related Articles: https://antonsrestaurant.wixsite.com/animals

Trump To Save American Economy With “New Source of Protein”

 

President Trump has announced today that he “has personally discovered a new source of protein.”

“What am I even paying these science guys for?” proclaimed the Commander-in-Chief. “I was looking at a picture of the Corona virus and this little thing has at least 3 different types of protein. S protein, M protein and something else. And protein is healthy right? Those weightlifting guys eat it and they’re healthy. So, to get America healthy again we’ll just eat the virus. Because it’s made of protein. Kill the virus by eating it and getting healthy at the same time! What a great idea! Killing two birds with one stone. What have my science guys been doing this whole time? We could even make the virus into protein bars for the weightlifting guys. So anyway, today I passed an Executive Order that all food banks nationwide must now be stocked with Corona virus samples. For eating. After all, it is high in protein. According to my picture of the virus this little ball guy has at least 3 different proteins in there. That’s a balanced meal.

“Maybe if you’re dining out in a restaurant they could serve the little protein guys on a nice little dish, like a petris dish or something, I don’t know. It’s a huge opportunity for restaurants too, to help them get back on their feet financially. A healthy protein-packed addition to the menu. The virus is quite a cute colour too from the pictures I’ve seen, it will look quite artistic on the plate or petris dish. I don’t know how it tastes but you could put some ketchup on it or something. You could make some real money from this thing. I’ve heard that loads of Americans have the virus, maybe they could donate a portion of the virus from inside their body to restaurants? For the cause. Maybe restaurants could take down all that plastic partitioning and instead have a special coughing virus protein donation area?

“And best of all, this new food source, loaded with protein, would even be free to start with. Sure, we’d sell off the licensing and patents down the road but to start with it would be free. Imagine that, free food! It will definitely save the American economy. We could export it to the rest of the world later too. Huge export potential. Huge. A real game changer. This will make America great again.”

Chinese Chefs Start Hurriedly Digging For Underground Bat Cave.

 –Wuhan Times–

Chinese chefs have started hurriedly digging for an underground bat cave in the hope of finding more bats so they can make some more delicious goddamn motherfucking bat soup.

“Fuck!, fuck!, I can hear the delicious little evil wankers squeaking under there! Dig faster you cunts, I am so fucking hungry right now!”

The Holy Grail of food according to your average Chinese gourmand.

“I can hardly wait to drizzle my bat soup with a liberal dousing of live snake sperm” said one excited Wuhan local, his face covered by a surgical mask due to a slight flu scare on the outskirts of town that he’d heard about just recently.

LIVE Press Conference: Japan Food Mislabeling Scandal Apology.

 —TOKYO—

Chief Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga has apologized to a packed press conference over the widening scandal involving food mislabeling practices, a problem which now appears to be endemic to all reaches and levels of Japan’s food industry.

“I sincerely apologize for all Japanese high class curry restaurant not using authentic India curry import from India but instead using dog vomit from Tokyo puddle. So sorry.”

“I am sorry that giant sea prawn from Bali is actually radiation frankenworm scraped up from gravel of carpark at Japan Chernobyl. So sorry.”

“I am so sorry Kobe beef was actually half-skinned cat found on mean streets of Chiba. Very sorry today. So very sorry.”

“I am so sorry we got fucking CAUGHT. We will NOT get caught again. So sorry.”

“By the way, I am so sorry Kobe beef was actually not half-skinned cat found on mean streets of Chiba but instead was half-blind Aboriginal elder who fell out of a crate from Woolongong. So sorry.”

“So sorry but giant wedding cake at lavish Ritz Hotel Gala function was not made with fresh cream but instead made with wet bog roll retrieved from Japan Chernobyl Port-A-Loo. So sorry.”

“I am sorry that freshly squeezed California orange juice was in fact cat urine topped up with occasional staff urine lunchtime pee pee extract. Fucking staff!”

“I apologize for gorgeous French dessert crepes being made out of old abandoned tampons found on Chiba warehouse floor. So sorry.”

“I am so sorry about crepe’s red cranberry jam being made out of moldy old virgin menstrual tampon rag extract. Oopsy.”

“So sorry about how fucking awesome my hair looks today. Check it out. Take a picture. So sorry.”

Japanese Fishing Crew “Elated” At Deaths of 107 Whales.

 – -NZ Herald.

The Japanese whaling crew of the Nisshin Maru are said to be “over the moon with tears of joy, tears of fucking joy” after hearing that 107 whales have beached themselves on Stewart Island in New Zealand and died.

“This is fucking great news!!”
– Japanese whalers celebrate the deaths of 107 of their sworn cetacean enemies.

“I just wish I could be there to laugh in their fat ugly flipper faces” said one crew member.

“They’re ugly and the smell funny” said another crew member.

“I wish I could pitch a little tent down there on that beach” said ship captain Dr Tabe Hodai “…and wake up each morning clasping my little bottle of wasabi, that I carry on me at all times, for scientific research purposes mind you, and take my sweet time eating my way through the whole lot of those ugly fat delicious dead fuckwits.”

Tokyo Disneyland Scientific Research Foodcourt.

Sumo champion accused of attempting to eat restaurant patron.

 Friday, 02:06 PM JST

TOKYO

Controversial Sumo grand champion Asashoryu is again in trouble after police reported that the enormous fat bastard attempted to eat a fellow restaurant patron seated at a neighbouring table last week.

Asashoryu: hungry as all-fuck.

Asashoryu, 29, was reportedly “starving” and his table had run out of bread sticks, lard, meat, napkins, chinamen, everything. “I had nothing else to eat” sobbed the 2-tonne fat cunt.

“I couldnt just sit there like a big fat wanker and not eat anything. Eating’s what I do. A sumo that doesnt eat? That’s like a bus that dont go nowhere.”

The Japan Sumo Association said Thursday it will be demanding an explanation from the restaurant as to why Asashoryu’s gaping cakehole was left uncaked for even 1 second.

“We want a report of what actually happened. Once we’ve fully evaluated the situation, we’ll send around some junior boys to block up the restaurant dunnies with archipelago-sized shits. That’ll fix these restaurant-running dickheads for not dealing in food at all times. A restaurant with hungry people, what the fuck is wrong with these arseholes? I might even pop in and lay a massive fucking Yamato of my own” said scowling JSA member Jun Yoshino.

Eyeing the bogs.
– JSA member Jun Yoshino.

Asashoryu allegedly bit the patrons ear, neck, nose, brain and head. The man is reported to have screamed out “not the head, not the head” as waiters pried him free from the sumo’s giant jaws.

Asashoryu is no stranger to controversy. In a 2003 bout he was disqualified for eating the entire head of a junior wrestler, considered a big no-no in sumo. In 2007, he received a two-tournament ban for eating part of a road in Honshu.

Embassy Envoy appeals to Japan’s elderly to “scarf down” mochi.

 Dec – 06:45AM JST

–TOKYO–

Australian Embassy Envoy Dr Bruce Saint on Monday appealed to elderly Japanese citizens to “scarf down their fucken mochi ricecake death-blob choking hazards as fast as they fucken can” during the New Year holidays.

“Time is running out old cunts!” went on Dr Saint. “Hurry up and stuff your face with huge potentially lethal globs of delicious mochi! You fucken deserve it! There’s no pension money left for next year so you may as fucken well!

Doctor’s license? I’m wearing a fucken surgical hairnet aren’t I? Fuckwit.”
– Dr Bruce Saint.

The ricecakes, a traditional New Year’s food, cause choking incidents among elderly people every year. Authorities appeal to people across Japan to cut up their mochi into small chunks and to eat it with great care, and in the presence of someone else.

To this Dr Saint said “fuck off. You’re old cunts, not fucken old babies. You worked hard all your life, eat your mochi how ya fucken like. Snow on the roof? Get up there and shovel the shit off, no problems. Too dark outside? Fuck it, shovel by moonlight, you’ve got eyesight like a hawk! Fuck me, why not combine the two, stuff yer gob full of mochi and jump up on the roof with the fucken shovel! Do everyone a favour! Including the national pension service! See you on the other side, shitheads!”

Japanese Bartender Fired.

 –Japan Times–

A local bartender has been fired after being caught red-handed in the act of
brazenly adding his “original sauce” to a fancy cocktail, right in front of 2
rich-as-shit paying customers.

“Is Japanese gravy. You try! Is whale enema!”

“Stupid little cunt” lamented the hotel concierge. “We’ve told him numerous times about this sort of thing. ‘This is not a Japanese fucking restaurant’ we told him. First we caught him pouring gallons of whale afterbirth all over the steaks. Then we rumbled him in the pantry secreting octopus nipples into all the croutons one-by-one. Then it was dolphin spoof in the nutsack gravy. This is the last straw!”

Gunston Pizza Goes Bankrupt

 –Wollongong Gazette–

A local pizzeria has gone bankrupt after just one day in business. The pizzeria, run by the Gunston family of Wollongong, was attempting to use science to make their pizzas.

“You want us to do what?”
–two science blokes.

“We had the perfect pizza template on the wall front and centre, all the blank pizza templates around it ready to go, plugs plugged in, gauges working and nothing fucken happened” said one of the proprietors, a Mr Trevor Gunston of Wollongong.

“I reckon it was those two little science blokes at the desk” continued Mr Gunston. “I reckon the little wankers ate all the fucken pizzas at smoko. Fucken little arseholes. The two of them speccy bastards are gonna end up in the fuckin quarry by sundown I reckon.”

Related Articles:

–http://gunstonundertakers.wixsite.com/death

–Two Dead Science Bastards Found In Quarry.

–Two Dead Science Bastards Final Meal Was Gravel. Not Fucken Pizza.

Vegan Parents Face Prison Time.

 –NZ Herald—

Two local parents are facing prison time after feeding their poor little child way the fuck too many vegetables.

“What’s all this fucken shit? All I see is rabbit food. I’m calling the fucken cops. Both of you 2 gestapo wankers are going to prison. Inhumane parenting.”
–Sarah Peddleman, aged 8.

“Haven’t those two old dickheads even read the popular children’s books of today? continued Peddleman. “‘The Little Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables’? Stone cold classic! ‘An Apple A Day Could Give You Cancer’? Should be taught in the fucken schools!

“I’m alright now. Once the cops took old Hansel & Gretel Shithead away in the paddy wagon I barbequed the family rabbit. Baked his little nuts right off. The groinsack was such a delectable treat!”
“Did you hear the one about the nun in prison, the garter belt, the rabbit and the huge carrot…”
“Oh fuck off!”

Hipsters exhaust Bolivian stocks of quinoa even though quinoa tastes like a dead yak’s nits.

 –Reuters–

The Bolivian economy is today in turmoil as it has been revealed that 1st world hipsters in the USA have exhausted Bolivia’s stockpile of quinoa even though quinoa tastes like a dead yak’s nits.

Bolivia in happier days.

The trendy rice-like food, which does indeed taste like some old dead monkeys boiled nits, is considered de rigeur haute cuisine by the hipster poseur wankers that today populate the USA.

A Bolivian quinoa paddy, now barren except for one half of one fucken fence.

“I cannot believe those bearded show pony wallies ate the whole lot” said Bolivia’s Minister for Yak’s Nits I mean Trade and Industry. “It’s not even a fucken food you dickheads, it just grows wild in the arse-end of beyond where yaks and monkeys and tree goats piss and shit all over the fucken stuff. Stupid seppos. That’ll be $13.99 a gram please, haha dickheads.”

.

“Ship ahoy, wankers.”
–Bolivia’s Minister for Yak’s Nuts

Japan’s New Whaling Plan Will Prove Whale Hunt Is For Scientific Purposes.

 –TOKYO–

Joji Morishita, Japan’s commissioner to the International Whaling Commission, has decreed that his new whale hunting plan will prove the scientific rationale behind Japan’s much-criticised whale face harpooning festivities in the south seas.

“For the last time, it’s not a fucking menu, would you cunts please stop teasing me and calling it a fucking menu.”

“We have cut whaling by two-thirds” reiterated Morishita. “That should be enough to prove to the world that the hunt is for genuine scientific purposes because two thirds is a mathematical fraction and mathematics is one of the scientific disciplines.”

“Yes, it does mention the word ‘sushi’ but there’s no prices on it so how can it be a menu? Aha!”

“We are happy to talk about conservation or recovery of depleting species or endangered species” continued Morishita “…that is on the dinner table I mean the table for discussion. In fact we would love to replenish their fat fuck stocks so we can research the shit out of some more of the fat ugly delicious wobbly dickheads.”

“Look, ‘sushi’ is a Japanese word and as a foreigner you can never understand the delicacies I mean delicate points of our Japanese language.”

 

“Shut up cunt, soy sauce is a very important research lubricant.”

Japanese Emperor’s Imperial Banquet and Royal Concubine Selection Ceremony.

–Japan Today–

In a sparkling display of royal pageantry, the newly-anointed Japanese Emperor has today presided over his first-ever Imperial Banquet and Royal Concubine Selection Ceremony.

“Greetings to you, the selected few, and welcome to my first-ever Imperial Banquet and Royal Concubine Selection Ceremony. Now that I’m in charge I am looking forward to doing a LOT of extra-curricular bitch fucking outside of my regular weekly-scheduled conjugal piston-shafting of bonkers old Masako here. The lucky selected concubines will regularly feel the full force of my 3-millimetre divine todger right up their clackas. In the parlour. In the garden. In the kitchen. All over the fucken place. Maybe even under the royal goddamn rhododendrons. Oh yeah, sure, I know what you’re thinking, a 3 millimetre cock, what the fuck is that? Well, let me tell you shithead bitches right now, my cock may be tiny but now that I’m the fucken Emperor, I reckon that will add at least 2 inches to its length. And 2.3 inches is enough to make a real mess of any bitches shit, or at least that’s what my mum told me during our horsey ride yesterday.”

“Current standings; 8, 9, 4, 6, 3, 5, 7, 2, 1.”

“Now then, onto the Imperial Banquet. Today’s menu has been sourced from the very, very finest and most unique of Japanese ingredients. Here is a helpful introduction to today’s sumptuous cuisine. Clockwise from top left, Dessicated Whale Eye, Smoked Whale Stool Lamingtons, a whole big fucken fish that’s barely even totally died yet, Ossified Whale Blood, Petrified Conder Arse Giblets, Raw Dolphin Snout, A Single Tear Of A Beached Sperm Whale, Sauteed Porpoise Sweat and Fermented Whale Barnacle Cutlets. Enjoy!”