Taliban Select 2021 Shopping Mall Father Christmas

--Kabul Gazette-

The Taliban have selected their 2021 shopping mall Father Christmas. Between now and Dec 25th, kindly old Uncle Abdul will visit numerous Kabul department stores and queues of little Afghan children will sit upon his knee and tell him what present they would like for Christmas.

"Hello, children".

"Of course, there are some local customs that need to be observed", said a Taliban spokesman. "Just our little twist on the whole Christmas experience really. For instance, if a little girl said she wanted a Barbie doll then the filthy slutchild would be immediately beheaded on the spot. Let the carpeted halls of the store run red with her infidel blood.

"But if a little boy asked for, say, a fully-loaded AK-47 assault rifle, then he would be presented with one on the spot! He could even take his new gun and begin patrolling the kiddies queue to check if the little girls are properly attired in the hajib.

"On the other hand, if a little boy said he wanted a Barbie doll then his brother standing next to him - wielding his brand new fully loaded AK-47 - would be ordered to immediately shoot his own brother to death right in the cock and balls. Right fucking now. Let the carpeted halls of the store run red with the perverse brothers' tainted homosexualled blood.

"Anyway, these are just a couple of rules we have in place in the department stores, to ensure things run smoothly for Santa. We wish you all a Merry Christmas from the Taliban!"

"You missed the cock. Try again".
-Santa.

Taliban Looking To Fill Ministerial Portfolios.

--Kabul Times--

The Taliban are reportedly on the verge of filling their ministerial government portfolios with the exact same murderous members from their notorious 1996-2001 regime.

"Look, I'll admit, last time around some of the lads did get a bit carried away with it all" said Taliban Leader Achmed. "But they have all given me personal assurances that they'll be on much, much better behaviour this time around".

"Ahkbar to my left here has promised me he won't eat any babies this time".

"But chief, they're so delic...

"AHKBAR! We've spoken about this!"

"Okay, okay, no babies..."

The following are the Taliban ministerial portfolios that are as of yet unfilled:

Minister of Death.
Minister of Murder.
Minister of Killing.
Minister of Laughing At America.
Minister of Homicide.
Minister of Guns.
Minister of Bashing Up Old Ladies.
Minister of Rape.
Minister of Punching Babies.
Minister of Kicking Women Right In The Face.
Minister of Prayer.
Minister of Public Stonings.
Minister of Guillotinery.
Minister of Throwing Acid In Women's Faces.
Minister of Public Executions.
Minister of Skullfucking Handicapped People In The Brains.
Minister of Casual Limb Dismemberment.
Minister of Homosexual Bonfires.
Minister of Flying Planes Around With No Intention Of Ever Landing Them.
Minister of Eating Babies: Ahkbar.

Taliban Initiate Bold Policy Changes.

--Kabul Times-

After having a mad, mad, mad afternoon out on the trampoline, the new Taliban Leader of Afghanistan has declared that each and every household in the nation shall be equipped with such a "completely bonkers bouncey, bouncey" device.

"Achmed! Achmed! I can see your Khyber Pass! Hahaha!"

"My friend, it was fun like you cannot imagine. First you go up in the air then you come down again and then you bounce straight back up in the air again! Who could imagine such a thing! I actually fell on top of Abdul's bum cavern at one stage".

"No sign of Bin Laden in there, chief?"

"That is not funny, Abdul".

"Sorry, chief".

"I have made Achmed here to my left the new Minister of Trampolining".

"...................uhh..... chief...... I thought I was the Minister of Rape?"

"Dual portfolio, shithead! Trampolining and Rape".

"The trampoline will come to symbolise the 'rebounding' of the nation of Afghanistan. Get it? Rebounding? Bouncing back? Ahhhh, fuck you infidel".