Vegan Blogger Distraught She Can’t Root Sheep.

 –New Zealand Herald–

A visiting American Vegan Blogger is said to be “distraught” that she missed an opportunity to root a truckload of sheep while riding the Inter-Island ferry.

“I forgot my big fucking strap-on dildo” said the distraught blogger. “There they all were, penned in, no escape, just waiting for me to saunter down there and roger them all, one by one, up the arse, under the clear blue sunny sky.”

“I forgot my big fucking dildo.”

“The very reason I became a vegan blogger in the first place was to keep animals alive so I could root more and more and more of them” continued the vegan blogger. “Possums, wombats, anteaters, I root them all.”

“Come on down and gizza root. We love the librarian look.”

Vegan Parents Face Prison Time.

 –NZ Herald—

Two local parents are facing prison time after feeding their poor little child way the fuck too many vegetables.

“What’s all this fucken shit? All I see is rabbit food. I’m calling the fucken cops. Both of you 2 gestapo wankers are going to prison. Inhumane parenting.”
–Sarah Peddleman, aged 8.

“Haven’t those two old dickheads even read the popular children’s books of today? continued Peddleman. “‘The Little Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables’? Stone cold classic! ‘An Apple A Day Could Give You Cancer’? Should be taught in the fucken schools!

“I’m alright now. Once the cops took old Hansel & Gretel Shithead away in the paddy wagon I barbequed the family rabbit. Baked his little nuts right off. The groinsack was such a delectable treat!”
“Did you hear the one about the nun in prison, the garter belt, the rabbit and the huge carrot…”
“Oh fuck off!”