The Japanese Woman Part I and II.

Hello.

Gordon “Gangbang” Gunston here.

Noted philanthropist, preeminent authority on Japanese women and yes, 4-time consort of a known homosexual.

Today, I am here to instruct you on how to root a Japanese woman. From ensnarement, to courtship, along to 1st base, and so on, round the bases, until finally there you are at 3am in the womens restroom of your local Mcdonalds family restaurant, tanked up on Dutch courage, blearily waving your dishevelled spigot in the vague direction of a heavily-pixellated black thicket. Mine’s a Negligent Chloroform Happy Set! So then, without further ado, hands where I can see them, sharpen up those HB pencils and let’s go.

Step 1. Holding hands.

Figure 1. The male should immediately attempt to assert his dominance in the relationship by “accidentally” thrusting his fingernails up and under the females fingernails. This technique draws it’s genesis from the bamboo torture of yesteryear. This lancing pain serves as the perfect segue to Figures 2 and 3.

The pained woman, falling, in agony, gratefully accepts the strong consoling male hand as the male murmurs a half-hearted apology. If the initial thrust fails to delve under the female fingernail, the male should withdraw his hand and try again until successful. This is a crucial first step towards establishing lasting dominance in a relationship.

Figure 4,5,6.
After the agony of Figure 1, the female, half-falling, and blinded by her streams of tears, reaches up desperately for a steadying consoling hand. This is where you come in. The strong reliable male, there in her time of need. Her trauma from the fingernail pain will cause her to block that particular ordeal from her memory and simply recall your consoling touch. You are now, officially, on track to being one romantic motherfucker.

Step 2. Holding hands (Advanced)

Figure 1.
Holding the females hand like so sows the perilious seed of MARRIAGE in the impetuous and insecure womans head. “Ooh, ooh, he’s sizing me up for a ring, he is” she thinks. All the while, of course, the man is thinking of nothing more than tilling her black cabbage patch with his roto-rooter.

Figure 2.
Austere and chivalrous, the mans sincerity is overt as he draws the woman closer, making a point not to look at her teeth.

Figure 3.
The man feigns admiration of the womans graceful digits. A cunning ruse. By doing this, the man has subliminally relayed his true intentions to the dullard woman by having her point her fingers directly towards his tiny wee Action Jackson (still concealed at this stage).

Step 3. Walking together.

Figure 1.
The mans arm MUST be positioned in front of the womans in order to ASSERT DOMINANCE. This careful groundwork and attention to detail will serve the man well later on in the relationship, in the bedroom, when he drunkenly attempts to mount the poor woman like a mad dog in heat.

Figure 2.
Woman love this strong, dignified position. The man should grin and bear it, appeasing himself with daydreamed images of the woman’s dirty great gaping black forested vagina.

Figure 3.
Yes, this position looks like something Stevie Wonder might try, but look again. Yes, it’s the patented Gunstonian Reverse-Overlapping Bicep Forelock Inadvertent Cockbrush Manoeuvre. The woman’s hand has been correctly positioned North by Northwest of the man’s slumbering stumpage. It’ll only take a couple of ungainly strides and she’ll be unwittingly knocking on old John Thomas’s door. This in turn will trigger the mans biological release of alluring pheromones, cascading over the woman, further enhancing the prospect, in the near future, of Sausage Time.

Figure 4.
An advanced version of figure 3.

Figures 5,6,7,8.
Again, the womans fingers are positioned pointing towards the mans knob. All things lead to the knob.

Next week; 2nd base: “Managing Your Negligent Chloroform Bullpen.”

The Japanese Woman: Part II.        Hello. It’s me, your friendly neighbourhood Uncle Gordon “Gangbang” Gunston here again.

Gordon Gunston: Noted philanthropist, preeminent authority on Japanese women and yes, now a 12-time consort of a known homosexual.

2nd base. It is common knowledge that women take great pains to physically misrepresent themselves in order to lure prospective males into their sticky webs. They conceal their true nature with an alluring, elaborately-crafted ensemble of industrial chemical compounds and solutions, peacock-like coiffures, enticing, coquettishly trussed thoraxes and generally misleading physiognomy. 

This beguiling bait is fashioned with the express purpose of overriding mans commonsense function and appealing to the males most base and basic precept; The Lure Of The Rut. Once the male is ensnared, the woman has no qualms about letting herself freefall back to her natural state and then beyond into gluttony and guiltless physical disrepair. For her, the game is won. The male needs to beat the female at their own game. This is done by appearing to fall prey to the lure while stridently maintaining his Root And Leave agenda.”Up the Khyber then out the tradesmans.”

Figure 1. Peeling a swatch of hair back under the pretense of “checking for head lice” is an excellent way of testing the woman’s pain threshold. The female thinks the male is genuinely caring for her wellbeing.
“He is being somewhat rough but he must have my best interests at heart. Particularly after he sized up my finger for a marriage ring with such attention earlier on.” Yes, she thinks, he is examining me for progenerative purposes. “He must be curious about the possible physical make-up of our future children.”

Look at the mad slag pictured above, oblivious to the pain as she thinks of bassinet colours and mobile arrangements. Yes, she’s picturing the mobiles fluttering languidly in the balmy morning breeze as she rests indoors, assured in the knowledge that her days of doing any actual work.. are over. It’s Easy Street, Population: Me, she thinks to herself. Just spend the morning nattering on the phone to friends, then it’s the lunchtime soapies, onto a few stiff sherries in the afternoon and Bobs yer uncle. Half in the bag by dusk, another cushy, workless day winds down on 0800 Easy Street.

Figure 2.
Publicly forcing the woman into performing trite, demeaning and galling tasks reinforces your status as a classic dominant “hunter” male; capable of success at the expense of others in the workplace and thus capable of providing the financial security stipulated in every line of the workshy females agenda. The public humiliation depicted in Figure 2 also serves to test the female. Observe how keenly she wants access to your bank account and with it, her accession to her base desire (as outlined in the female agenda paragraph 2, Figure 1. re; “Easy Street.”) Figure 1.

The Japanese female frets over her eyelids. Her tiny mind is awash with insecurity and paranoia over the things. Single lids, double lids, slashed lids, jam jar lids. Her mind is rife with concern concerning the delineations differentiating these conditions. The Japanese male feigns concern. While the females eyes are closed he stares at her breasts.

Figure 2.
The Japanese females are notoriously cross-eyed and it’s best to keep them that way. See the skilled male stroke the bridge of the females nose under the pretense of “affection” (see; “Duplicity”, Chapter 6). Poor eyesight in the Japanese female will greatly aid the chicanery to follow in Figure 4.

Figure 3.
Horse racing is a popular sport in Japan.

Figure 4.
On average, measuring in fully erect at 1.3 inches, the Japanese male penis is infamously small. By way of comparison my own TubbyTown Truncheon of Terror is 2.8 inches in length when fully mobilised. Yes, more than 3 times the size. Crikey. Some of us are just born with it, I suppose. Certainly not here to gloat about that though. Small, yes, but with sleight of hand coupled with deft use of lighting, it is a small concern for the Japanese male as evidenced by their experience pioneering small gadgetry such as the Sony Walkman and The Microchip, the Japanese male is well accustomed to dexterous handling of undersized units. This serves him well when having to deal with his microdot of gristle. 

First, the Japanese male arouses himself, as always, with salacious thoughts of high school study nights under the desk with mother. Correctly, the Japanese male pictured above is going to great pains to only reveal the head of his erect penis to the Japanese female. It is not hydroponics. 4/5ths of the iceberg are not below the surface. She need never know. At the future juncture of the relationship (see closing chapter “The Male End-Game”) involving The Rut, the lights will be dimmed. See the female smile? The non-mosaiced penis may have her confused but she still sees the penis for what it is. A one-touch keypad to Easy Street. 777 Easy Street. Leafy suburbs. Texas tea. Swimming pools