Gidday, Word Pricks.
Gene Gunston here.
Are you having trouble getting your shitty, shitty book of half-butchered haiku published?
I’m not fucken surprised.
It’s all shit!
But if you really want to plough on with the whole idiotic process then just make out a cheque of $699.95 payable to Gunston Inc and we’ll draft up an undeniable query letter that WILL see you become a published author alongside your other favourite authors such as Sidney Sheldon, Dr Seuss and fat guts who wrote Game of Thorns.
Here is just one example of our successful query letters:
Dear Shitheads at Penguin Books.
You are going to publish this fucken book. My brother Wayne said it’s one of the Top 10 best dog-fucking manuscripts he’s ever read.
“Fido’s Huge Pop-Up Cock-Up” is a pop-up book detailing the adventures of Fido and all the bitches he rooted in the neighbourhood over a 6 week time span. It is an elegant, poignant story of unrequited love. Mainly because Fido doesnt want the love to be requited, he just wants to root cute dogs then fuck off home.
This pop-up book is fucken 862 pages long so you art cunts better get busy right fucken now drawing dog cocks. Fucken big ones too. I want these pop-up cocks so huge they’ll take young Timmy’s eye out when he opens this fucken book up.
The tone and central motif of the book is somewhat similar semantically to a hybrid of Toy Story III, James Joyce’s “Ulysses” and Wordsworth’s long lost classic tome “Deep Throat for Dogs.”
Now then. I have included the first 800 pages of the fucken book for your perusal. Sans pop-up cocks, of course. Your shitty organisation has 3 days to respond with a publication date. Failure to comply will result in my brother Trevor driving right the fuck over to your place in his ute and driving the fucken thing right directly into your fucking teeth.
“FUUUUUUUUCKENNNNNNNN BOOOOOOOOOOOOK.”
Righto.
-G.Gunston.
No comments:
Post a Comment