Local Man Wins Big Chair Award

 –Japan Times–

A local man has won The Biggest Daftest Chair Award for the second week running.

“I’ve got the biggest daftest chair not the longest fucking arms. Come a bit fucken closer you stupid old cunts.”

The man said the chair cost him 10 bucks down at the local recycled shop. “Then I souped it up a bit” he said. “I put the vertical extensions on. I call them ‘vert extensions’. Sometimes I call them ‘racing fins’ when I’m half-pissed. Coupla bits of two by four, then I painted the cunt white. You want to sit on it? Sure go ahead, be my guest, it’ll only cost you a beheading but that’s no skin off my cock.”

“Look, fuckfaces, I am not coming any fucken closer. You come the fuck over here. That’s what we did last week when I won this same award you Alzheimer’s memory loss cunt-brigade.”

“Ahh fuckit, just give the bloody award to one of the wheelchair hotties and they can roll the fucken thing on over to me… useless wankers.”