Local Woman’s Thigh Gap Issues

 –USA Today–

A local woman has idiotically glued her towels to her thighs in the hope of achieving a more alluring thigh gap. “That is how thigh gaps work, isn’t it?” said the slightly dopey woman.

“Oh yeah, I’ve got a thigh gap now” confirmed the local woman. “But I have to walk around like a waddling constipated idiot due to these fucken towels being glued to my fucken thighs. But, on the bright side I do now have a thigh gap. Unfortunately, the goddamn thing is about half-a-fucken foot wide. I don’t know how wide thigh gaps are meant to be? I have a really fucken wide one.”

“I now have to sleep in this idiotic position like a complete fucken lunatic.” –local woman with big fucken thigh gap.

“I popped in to my local plastic surgeon to enquire about ‘corrective thigh gap surgery'” continued the woman “but when the doctor saw that I just wanted him to remove these towels that I’d glued to my thighs he immediately started laughing his arse off and he actually died of a heart attack right there on the spot. So if anyone could possibly recommend a serious-minded plastic surgeon that’d be great.”