–Science Weekly–
Following the Apollo 11 Eagle landing on the surface of the moon, the two NASA astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin did not emerge from the capsule for 6 hours. What transpired during those 6 hours has long remained a mystery as transmission to Houston was lost.
In a shocking discovery, tapes of the 6 hours of conversations have today been unearthed from an old shoebox found under Neil Armstrong’s bed by his wife.
Neil: OK Buzz, let’s go.
Buzz: Go where?
Neil: Go outside, to the moon’s surface you big dope, where do you think?
Buzz: I don’t want to go. What if there’s Martians out there?
Neil: This is the moon, dummy. Martians are on Mars.
Buzz: Oh.
Neil: Here’s your helmet, let’s go.
Buzz: This goldfish bowl thing? I don’t look good in that. It makes my face look all puffy.
Neil: Jesus. This gauge says we only had 25 seconds of fuel left.
Buzz: It’s ok. What’s 25 seconds on moon time anyway? About 25 hours?
Neil: No, dummy, moon time is the same as earth time.
Buzz: Wh… wh…. so we were 25 seconds away from DYING?
Neil: Yes.
{{sounds of inconsolable sobbing that last for 45 minutes}}
Neil: So, uh, Buzz.. about that moonwalk.
Buzz: What?
Neil: The m…
Buzz: I WANT MY MUMMY!
Neil: She’s watching on the tv at home Buzz, just like all the millions of other earthlings just waiting for us to emerge from this capsule.
Buzz: Who cares, we’ve been here for 2 hours now anyway, everyone will have changed channel by now.
Neil: Worth a go anyway. We came all this way after all.
Buzz: Neil, if Martians live on the moon then who lives on Mars?
Neil: Buzz, we’ve discussed this before. Martians live on Mars.
Buzz: Then who lives on the moon? Moonies?
Neil: No Buzz, the Moonies are religious zealots back on earth.
Buzz: I thought we were the first people on the moon?
Neil: We are.
Buzz: So Moonies didn’t come from the moon and go back to earth?
Neil: No.
Buzz: You sure are clever Neil.
Neil:…
Buzz: OK. I’ll go outside.
Neil: Great!
Buzz: But under one condition.
Neil: What’s that Buzz?
Buzz: You have to go first. So if you die I can escape the moon and live to fight another day.
Neil: OK.
Buzz: Like in a James Bond film.
Neil: Sure.
Buzz: Good luck on the moon, Neil.
Neil: Uh, you are coming right?
Buzz: Yeah, sure, right behind ya.
{{sniggering sound}}
Neil: OK, let’s pop these helmets on and get out there.
Buzz: One small issue
Neil: Gah, what is it now?
Buzz: I haven’t taken a dump for 4 days. I’m kind of backed up here, Neil.
Neil: Who cares?
Buzz: I care. What happens if the moon’s gravity discombobulates my bowel equilibrium and I helplessly spray a backdoor shart all over my nice white spacesuit butt? Then the photos for all eternity will be of hero Neil Armstrong and ol’ Brownstain Buzz over there, first man to shit on the moon.
Neil: But we have fecal deposit units built into our suits Buzz.
Buzz: I disabled mine at takeoff. Never trusted those things.
Neil: Oh God.
Buzz: Don’t worry, we’ll just wait it out. I can feel the brown bear poking at the cave door right now..
{{rustling sound as Buzz completely disrobes}}
{{4 hours later}}
Buzz: OH YEAH! That’s one small dump for Buzz but one giant cleanup operation for Collins, hahahahaha
Neil: Hahahahahahaha
{{Neil opens door}}
Neil: That’s one small step for…
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