Downton Abbey Review

 

1. 
   
   Fuck this bullshit.
   
   No fucking way I was going to spend 3 whole days, 12 fucken hours a day, sitting through an entire non-stop 6-season marathon of this old biddies rubbish. A fucken soapie about pommy silver-spoon toffs from 1914? GTFO.
   
   And yet, aside from changing channels for a few NFL wild card games, FFS, that's exactly what I did.
   
   Fucken loser. Crochet a doily to my cock and call me The Rt.Hon Duke Spoontoff Silverware XIth, the 72nd Archbishop of West Shartesbury.
   
   These upper-crust "blueblood" wankers shouldve all gone in the pot when the sissy-hatted toffs rocked up to Onehunga's Cape of Good Cock in their galleons and sailboats back in the day.
   
   FFS though, once you start watching this telly show it's so fucking hard to stop. Part of it must be the magisterial opulence of the design. That swanky shit is so fucking relaxing. The library, the fireplaces, the marble pillars, the ramparts, all that shitFFS.
   
   Plus the totally weird and jolting poshness of the dialogue. Man, these people really believe in this whole blueblood classwar bollocks. Even the kitchen slave serfs. Know your place, know your station.
   
   The editing of the show is just so brilliant too. I reckon it's the key ingredient to the addictive recipe. It's just rotating 45 second vignettes going around and around to motherfucking nowhere. The constant changing of scenes every 45 seconds might seem infuriating but yet it cleverly serves to stave off boredom with this soapy rubbish show in which NOTHING of any consequence ever goddamn happens.
   
   It is a total master class in writing too. Perfectly seamless and guileful evolutions of so many separate and intertwining character arcs from 1914 to 1925. Baddies slowly and gradually become goodies etc. Trust the understated brits, all caustic acerbic seethe at their stations in life, to do the slow release of the pressure valves. Meanwhile in the seppo dramas they just kill everyone in a big fucking gun battle and start again the next week. "No use bottling it up!"
   
   The house looks ace but wished they showed more of the opulent grounds. WhoFt maintains those acres and acres of immaculately-clipped lawn. They never show the grubby groundsmen plebs and there must be at least 20 of the fuckers working around the clock on those acres and acres of magisterial rolling baize lawn.
   
   It's so fuckign weird how the lower class slave plebs just accept their garbage lot in life. Serving the toff and doffing the forelock every fucking minute of every fuckign day for their entire hopeless, funless, cashless, utterly fucked lives. And doomed by virtue of what. Not being born with a plum in their mouth
   
   If I was a kitchen serf4life I'd probably just kill every single fucking toff in their sleep, pocket the family jewels, and hit the fucking road under stealth of darkness. No CCTV in 1914, dickheads. So long, suckers!
   
   Anyway, here is The Definitive Internet Guide to The Downton Abbey Nobility and The Other Scum.
   
   Her Royal Highness Dowager Duchess Countess Magdalene Toffeeplum XVth of Arse-Upon-Chaise.
   
   
   
   Best character. Has all the best lines. Impossibly snooty. Spends all fucking day having tea time and bickering with her village granny pal who she never does realise is actually her only friend.
   
   Pic of her from her youth:
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   His Lordship The 82nd Earl of Cumforth-Upon-Tweed.
   
   
   
   The show anchor. He is a good bloke. Stuck in the past and a raging toff but still a good bloke. His season 6 dinner table scene was so fucken hilarious I had a laughing fit and almost coughed up an ulcer too. Oh dear, His Lordship The 82nd Earl of Cumforth-Upon-Tweed has committed an EGREGIOUS error of high-society dinner etiquetete by

     Reveal hidden contents

   
   
   This will not stand, good Sir!
   
   If the lizard-eyed dowager should have chimed in with "...it will be the devil to remove the stain of the splattered remains of your silly little self-indulgent exploded bloody ulcer from the tabled cloth!" I would have had a laughing hemorrhoid hemorrhage in my gruds.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Her Royal Ladyship Princess Doilyface of Cambridge Oxford Harvard.
   
   
   
   The seppo mummy. This placid toff must've been on the opium pipe all day. She sort of glides through everything looking half zonked with no fucks given.
   
   Fairly forgettable character. It's weird how much they accept her into the family given she's a seppo and as such is a totally alien species to the xenophobic poms and their strictly stratified and codified class caste system of anal cuntery.
   
   Never did get used to m'maaa looking about 45 years old and her shithead daughter Mary looking about 35 years old.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Her Majesty The Marchioness Mary of Midtown-Mongolia
   
   
   Stupid snooty snob.
   
   Camp leader and I were confused to shit though cos Mary the anorexic slag is a dead ringer for my little sister. Minus the eating disorder.
   
   So well written though. Alternates between being a haughty arsehole and then phases of humaneness before getting back on her "fuck the ordinary people" high horse.
   
   Fucking hilarious sign of the times how Mary spent a grand total of about 30 seconds of the entire fucking tv series actually interacting with her own toddler over the years. Fobbed the sprog off to the nannies 24/7. I don't think she ever even made eye contact with the poor little Lord Fauntleroy wanker let alone actually fed the dwarf fuck some food or read him a bedtime story or any of that actual mummy shit.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Her Spacker Ladyship Rose Fontanelle of Curtseybow-upon-Pearlnecklace
   
   
   The Roaring 20's party girl.
   
   WFT. Being the moran I am, I watched all 6 seasons of Downtown Abbey and didnt realise til the LAST FUCKEN EPISODE that this chick isnt even one of the daughters. Her m'maaa and p'paaa aint Robert and Cora. Who the fuck is this chick?
   
   FFS.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Her Ladyship Edith the Gonzo Patron of Gashforth-upon Birth Hatch.
   
   
   
   V.interesting character arc. Started out as a spoiled silver-poony shithead but, as with Barrow the horrid footman, the writer was patiently and quite brilliantly playing the long game here and Edith matured, got to keep her bastard spawn and hooked up with a nice mega-rich cunt and, in the end, even outranking m'ma and p'pa so now even they have to doff the forelock in her presence goddamn this pommy caste system is so fucked up
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Presenting Lady Sybil The ArchRoyal Dowager of Birthsharts.
   
   
   One of the only toffs with a heart and a backbone so of course they killed her off quick.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Lady Village of Village OK Who The Fuck Is This Slag
   
   
   
   
   The old bat's only pal. Really though I had no idea who the fuck this granny was. She wasn't in the snooty fam yet somehow popped in for every single swank dinner to argue with Her Royal Highness Dowager Duchess Countess Magdalene Toffeeplum XVth of Arse-Upon-Chaise.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Viscount Piers Cretinforth Shartmajor XIIIth
   of the 52nd Battalion of Bogshart-Upon-Sussexy.
   
   
   
   
   The missed and mixed and missing signals of his "romance" with Mary Queen of Snots was one of the enduring WFT's of the whole show. Just hook up and root each other you snooty fux. Instead they draaaaag it out for seasons and seasons, then bring in other auxiliary subsidied roots, and then FINALLY pair them up. Maybe another masterful turn of writing here, another goddamn long game comes to fruition.
   
   So weird how these crusty twats get married when they've never even held hands before let alone had a practice root to lube up the pipes. "A hug? That would be a bit overly forward my dear".
   
   Of course, when the actor left the show in real life they had to Bolan the poor character and his automobile into a tree. Defo not planned and, given the other patiently evolved character arcs, this storyline was an abrupt fuckup which shouldnt have panned out as it did.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   The Rt. Hon Dr Ballantine Wainwright, XXXIInd
   Viscount of Shartbooger-Upon-Boogershart.
   
   
   
   Actually just Henry the racing driver, the mug who finally got lumped with Queen Mary of Snots.
   
   Poor bastard. That bish is high maintenance and ain't gonna stand for being married to a used car salesman for long...

    

    

    

    

    

2. Lord Humbert the 37th Arch Crotchfelt Marquis of Widow's Peak.
   
   
   
   Seems like a good dude to go with being mega rich so a happy ending for the long-suffering Edith.
   
   Pretty funny when Bertie took Edith to his mummy's castle and the fucking place made Downton Abbey look like a dilapidated lean-to located on the outskirts of Bumcrack Hovel Central.

   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Kind of made a lot of medical fuckups as a Doc.
   
   Maybe craftily written given how agricultural their medical procedures were.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   The Irish Chauffeur
   
   Marries into the family even though he's obviously just a shitty foreign taxi driver.
   
   Probably socially classed even below the dipshit kitchen hands at the start but slithers into the heirlooms and nonsense.
   
   Bit of a nothing character even though he was in every fucken scene for all 6 seasons.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   The XIIth Earl of Shartesbury-Upon-Tweed
   
   
   
   This dingus tried to root The Mother of Dragons but just got a nasty case of Grayscale for his troubles.
   
   In hindsight the poor cnut wound up getting posterised as a cuck in two of the biggest telly shows ever, Downton Abbey and Game of Thrones LOLL sux 2 be u moran
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   The insanely posh butler with the gravelly radio voice. Dude is stuck in the 1500's. Probably the moral compass and backbone of the whole stupid show.
   
   Him getting married to the other slave granny after working and living together completely unaffectionately 24/7 for 50 years was weird as fuck though. FFS they'd never even held hands before and then just seemed to offhandedly decide to get hitched.
   
   Carson's totally mental ramrod-straight moral rectitude was one of the key attractions of the show. His unwithering aversion to moral turpitude is just so refreshingly, jarringly different to today's shartphone bullshit fad-mad human.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Another one of those show backbone sorts that are in a lot of scenes.
   
   Comical turn of events once she decided she was to marry head butler Carson and she had to dispatch third-party intermediaries to communicate to Carson whether or not big lad would be envisaging rooting being part of the marital consummation. FFS mRS hUGHES. Fasten the bindings, big lad Gru is donkey-punching above his weight tonite.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Season 4 was all about her rape. Kind of annoying how she draaaaaaaged it out trying to keep it secret, in turn punishing poor hubby Bates who didn't know wft he'd done wrong. Just tell the poor Gru git, gear us up for some cathartic baddie bashing and move on. That's how the seppo version would have played out. None of this hush-hush, long-game, stiff upper lip, "oh it's nothing ma'am, just a flesh wound" pommy bullshit.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Had a vague boner for this seemingly dowdy old seamstress.
   
   Once I googled her I can see why.
   
   
   
   Fucken mega hottie that the producers tried to make as plain as possible.
   
   Can't fool me cuntz.
   
   The cock knows wut the cock knows.

    

    

    

    

    

    
3.  

   
   The baddie.
   
   A conniving bastad for seasons and seasons on end but they gradually turn his QEII around. Possibly the most brilliantly written character arc of them all, they adroitly guided his narrative away from running aground off the coast of You Fucking Wanker and helmed the bilious tosser into less choppy waters. "Just stop being an officious snarky wanker to everyone and you might get some pals". A very British turn of advice for the decidedly un-laconic poms there.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Fairly frustrating narrative with all the ex-wife crime/framing/prison time carry on as well as new wifey's rapey thing.
   
   Like Bates, he also looks like Gru:
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Mrs Fapmore more like, amirite guys?
   
   Head chef. The backbone of the whole operation.
   
   Probably some old biddies favourite character in the whole show.
   
   WFT am i doing even watching this doily cumrag bullshit let alone typing out a fucken thesis about the fvcken thing
   
   FML.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Vicious baddie who weirdly just up and fucked off halfway through one of the seasons.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Braggy kitchen slag who wound up preggers with Major WWI Dethly Moustache Dude's sprog then something else happened fuck knows really who cares no one's read this far anyway.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   The officious kitchen hand who answered every question and workplace request with cynical thickness and off-putting derision.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Poor old Moldsley had one of the most patiently written character arcs of all. Years toiling away as a tryhard waiter, constantly getting rejected, then FINALLY he wins in the end. Was weird how he never did end up rooting the "dowdy" seamstress Baxter though, they seemed destined to shack up.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Dipshit bagboy Willy of course gets his nuts blasted to Timbuktu and back for King and Country while up at the front. Tip top and tally ho old fruit, over the top to glory and back home in Blighty just in time for oh fuck
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Another cocksure footman. Cool job, dude. Yeah, plenty to feel haughty about there. Just fetch my bags and be quick about it you oily serf blowhard.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Interesting one, poor old Robert His Lordship The 82nd Earl of Cumforth-Upon-Tweed and this randy maid only had a few interactions but instantly had some weird cock/vag chemistry fire up and dirty old Bob was helplessly itching to get groaning in Jane's boneyard. They both knew it and the saucy temptress had to go.
   
   
   
   Anyway, in conclusion, fuck Downton Abbey.
   
   I had the Downton fever for 3 days but have got that shit out of my system now. But I still hope they make more episodes damnit. Some sort of grisly chronicling of it all going horribly pear-shaped for these idiotic toffee-nosed twats. The estate in the throes of financial ruin being dragged kicking and screaming into the a changing society. Maybe a 1960's serf uprising where the kitchen staff and servants kill the toffs Charlie Manson-style and turn Downton into a hippie commune. Or maybe during WWII with the luftwaffe strafing the place with tracer. Kitchen staff all survive as they huddle downstairs while the toffs upstairs get all their shit riddled with hun fun.