10 Easy Tips For A Happy Life.

Gidday, psychos.

Dr Wayne Gunston here, your friendly neighbourhood happiness counselor.

Not a fucken pedo.

Now then, down to fuckin' business. Are you happy? No? Didn't think so. Miserable looking nutjob like you.

Here are my 10 Easy Tips For A Happy Life.

1. Murder Someone.

Murdering someone has been proven to provide a 35% boost of polyphenol ions via the human preraptor cortex. It is easy to murder someone. Just go outside and bash some fucken pricks skull in. Instant happiness! Get onto it. The recent world population explosion has resulted in an increase in people worldwide so it should be pretty fucken easy



2. Get a tattoo.

"Haha, it's like a design on a t-shirt that I don't like anymore except I can never take it off! Hahaha!"

Every monobrained lemming on the planet has one of these fucking tattoo things. As humans, we are biometrically compelled to assert our uniqueness by being like every other fucking doofus on the planet. It's called "fitting in", dumbarse. Do you want to fit in with humanity and be happy or fucking not? Well, you clicked on this fuckheaded article so there's your fucken answer. So hurry up and get a montage of dog dicks tattooed all over your fucken neck and GET FUCKING HAPPY.



3. Sit In Silence.

No prick likes it when you talk. That's why you're so sad all the fucken time, cos' you keep talking and making other fuckers around you sad with your colossal great negative whinging. So shut up forever and be happy. Dipshit.



4. Eat Healthily.

Eat fruits and vegetables. They will make you happy. Actually, they will make your body happy, meanwhile your brain has a big fucken cry and silently screams for chips and kit-kats. This is known in the Science world as a Body Versus Brain Versus Cock Bermuda Triangle Paradigm. Make the right decision and wank off a cucumber.



5. Make Other People Happy.

See entry #3.




6. Wank Your Way To Happiness.

Tourniquet the turnstile then bash that bishop into oblivion. It's the Wankolympics and you are Carl Lewis on cockoids.

Yes, every day should be a goddamn decathlon of dick. Specifically, yours. Extradite that plaintiff halfway to fucken Fantasy Island and back. How can you hear wee Tattoo giddily yelling "de plane, de plane!" and not think of the wee man whacking his dwarf todger with giddy abandon over the edge of that Bell Tower? HOW?



7. Eat Biscuits.

Biscuits have been scientifically proven to boost polypropylene intake brain manifold receptors by up to 35%. "But aren't biscuits bad for my fat bastard body?" I hear you ask. Look, do you want to be fucking happy or not? Biscuits light up your tiny fucking brain's pleasure receptors. That's Brain Science 101. Is your brain even connected to your stupid body? Or are you some sort of distended Walt Disney cryogenic experiment or something? Splash Mountain all over your mum's birth hatch.




8. Life Is Long.

Derive happiness from the fact that human lives can go on and on for years and years and fucking YEARS. Just think, 5 years from now you might still be alive. If that doesn't make you happy then your life must be shit.

In Executive Summary, a happy life is a lifelong commitment to happiness.

Fuck I'm good. That'll be $50 bucks, thanks wanker.





9. Have Teeth.

Most people have teeth.

At least, a few teeth.

These weird, white, hard, boney tooth thingies can be useful at times. If you show them to other people, those very same people might even think you are happy. God knows how that works. It's like some voodoo shit or something.





10. Do All Of The Above Simultaneously To Reach Peak Happiness.

It is a scientific fact that multi-tasking makes us happy. Therefore, to reach peak happiness, you need to silently wank off Tattoo while also wanking off a cucumber, while also eating a biscuit and simultaneously murdering someone all at the same time.

Hurry up glumpants, do you want to be fucken happy or not?


Righto.

-Wayne.