Japanese “Moat Pension Plan” Rescinded.

 –Japan Today–

A disaster has been narrowly averted at the Imperial Palace in Tokyo, Japan after no less than 50,000 elderly visitors were fished out of the moat.

The elderly visitors had been strolling the grounds, minding their own business, thrilled at finally being granted access for the first time in history to the luxurious Imperial Gardens of the exalted Royal Family that they so dearly, dearly love, when lo-and-behold, they were apparently herded en masse directly into The Royal Moat by armbanded factions of Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s ruling party under the guise of a new “pension incentive.”

“This way for your pension money. This way please, my loyal subjects.”

“No harm in it, no malicious intent whatsoever” maintained Abe. “Just a natural selection initiative to take care of the aging population. Rather than raise the taxes we thought we would see which of these old freeloading wankers would sink and which ones would swim. Just natural selection taking its course but fine, if you’re not ready for that sort of daring pension policy yet then fuck yuz, we’ll fish the dreadful old rotten smelly half-dead cunts out of the moat. If you’re not ready for more daring, ground-breaking Abenomic economic packages then fine, fuck off. Enjoy negotiating your way around your local supermarket with 80 dozen rotten wankers bashing you with their trolleys every 3 fucken seconds, changing direction abruptly whenever the fuck they like, and then at checkout taking 3 days to pay for one half-price bit of seaweed using 37 one-yen coins from their stupid purse that they can’t even fucken open. FINE THEN.”