—TOKYO—
Chief Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga has apologized to a packed press conference over the widening scandal involving food mislabeling practices, a problem which now appears to be endemic to all reaches and levels of Japan’s food industry.
“I sincerely apologize for all Japanese high class curry restaurant not using authentic India curry import from India but instead using dog vomit from Tokyo puddle. So sorry.”
“I am sorry that giant sea prawn from Bali is actually radiation frankenworm scraped up from gravel of carpark at Japan Chernobyl. So sorry.”
“I am so sorry Kobe beef was actually half-skinned cat found on mean streets of Chiba. Very sorry today. So very sorry.”
“I am so sorry we got fucking CAUGHT. We will NOT get caught again. So sorry.”
“By the way, I am so sorry Kobe beef was actually not half-skinned cat found on mean streets of Chiba but instead was half-blind Aboriginal elder who fell out of a crate from Woolongong. So sorry.”
“So sorry but giant wedding cake at lavish Ritz Hotel Gala function was not made with fresh cream but instead made with wet bog roll retrieved from Japan Chernobyl Port-A-Loo. So sorry.”
“I am sorry that freshly squeezed California orange juice was in fact cat urine topped up with occasional staff urine lunchtime pee pee extract. Fucking staff!”
“I apologize for gorgeous French dessert crepes being made out of old abandoned tampons found on Chiba warehouse floor. So sorry.”
“I am so sorry about crepe’s red cranberry jam being made out of moldy old virgin menstrual tampon rag extract. Oopsy.”
“So sorry about how fucking awesome my hair looks today. Check it out. Take a picture. So sorry.”
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