Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre

Gidday, Roto-Rooters!

Gene “Gene-o” Gunston here.

Now then, introductions out of the way, down to business:

Is your doris all clogged up with Wayne’s sprog?

Well, when you hear the familiar chimes of your friendly neighbourhood Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre making its rounds, grab preggers, drag her outside, down the path, out the gate, chuck her in the van, and we’ll flush the unsightly bulge out right then and there!

Fucken cheap!

50 bucks a sprog!

2,000 bucks for twins!

500 bucks if the little spud looks foreign!

Our Mobile Birthing Centre is equipped with all the mod cons:

Heavy Duty Prongs.

Some sprogs are reluctant to come out at first.

A few jabs with these prongs and they soon change their tune.

We WILL Get Your Sprog Out.

GUNSTON GUARANTEE

WE HAVEN’T LEFT ONE UP THERE YET.

Identifying A Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre.

“But what does a Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre look like??” you scream frantically as your preggers sea-cow Doris drips birth-hatch smeg all over the shagpile carpet.

Rest easy squire, because THIS is what a Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre looks like:

Loosely translated, that mumbo-jumbo at the top says “Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre.”

Those big squiggles down there say “GUNSTON.”

The more observant (and less pregnant) among you may have noticed that nowhere on the van does it say in English “Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre.” Patient confidentiality is very important to us here at The Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre Unit.

* note, sorry, the bloody door is busted at the moment, bastard thing is jammed open, Trevor said he’d fix it a bit later. Although, bugger me, easier access, maybe we should leave it open like that!

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WARNING!

Some dickheads seem to think that the contraption pictured below is a Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre Unit.

WRONG!

That’s a Gunston Gravedigger2000, you blind idiot!

Sprogs don’t need the Gunston Gravedigger2000!!

Unless they’re dead.

R.I.P Sprog.

Anyway, back on topic here are some Patient Testimonials from the Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre:

WHAT MOTHERS SAY:

“The little bastard just would not come out from wifey’s birth hatch so Gene-o was up there quick as a flash, jumping on her tum tum, no questions asked, service with a smile. My word, did that little sprog squirt out quick-fast! Good work, Gene-o. Have a bonus root of wifey if you want.”

– Ray of Woolongong.

SPONSOR:

“I picked out a fucken ace sprog from the Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre freezer after my first one turned out to be a bloody girl. Even named the frozen little shit ‘Trevor!”

– Sheila of Bondi.

“Dr Gunston kindly advised me that the act of childbirth was less painful if you were getting rooted up the shitter at the same time. He even knocked a bit off the bill. Thank you, Dr Gunston!”

– Doris of Coolangatta.

“They gave me a stiff shot of something but I woke up halfway through the birth. My word, those Gunston boys have small cocks*.”

– Sheila from Perth.

* edited for factual inaccuracy

“I am ashamed to say I was screaming hysterically during the act of childbirth. Trevor gave a quick sheep-whistle, the van screeched to a halt, Aunty Doris got out of the drivers seat, came in the back and BAM!, cracked me with a good, hard right directly to the face.

When I came to, it was night-time and I was lying by the curb clutching this stupid dog that had a bill for 8,000 bucks in its mouth.

I apologise for my deranged behaviour and for inconveniencing the Gunston Mobile Childbirth Unit.”

– Doris from Sydney.

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Well, there ya go, glowing testimonials all-round.

So next time you hear the familiar Gunston Mobile Birthing Centre Van jingle around your neighbourhood, we’ll se ya curbside!

Righto.

Gene-o.