Surprise U.S Supreme Court Judge Appointment

 –-NY Times–

A local Australian woman has surprisingly been nominated as the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States of America. “We were all goddamn terrified of Aunty Doris” confided a US senator anonymously, still trembling with fear. “She struck the fear of God into the entire Senate Committee and we immediately ratified her nomination and hurriedly swore her in. Jesus Christ do I need a drink.”

According to the newest US Supreme Court Justice – to be addressed as “Aunty Doris Gunston of Wollongong fucken Australia” – she randomly flicked on the telly one day and immediately knew the post was her true calling. “Plus my shithead nephew Wayne told me I am fucken perfect for the Supreme Court. I watch Judge Judy every day for a bloody start. Plus, there’s Pizza Supreme. So where’s my fucken chair you fat cunts and get the bloody hell out of my way.”

Mrs Gunston has stated she has no partisan agenda. “Firm but fair, that is my policy” said the newly-appointed Judge Gunston. “I have 3 adult nephews who I still administer sound beatings to when the ugly little wankers step out of line. Gene-0 with his sly dog-rooting, Wayne with his fucken urinal cakes hidden in his hair dropping out all over the fucken house and bloody Trevor idiotically propping up deep-frozen cadavers on the bloody sofa so the dead pricks can pretend to watch telly all night for a laugh.”

When asked as to what her stance is on capital punishment, Aunty Doris had this to say:

And furthermore, when queried as to whether she has had a meeting with US President Donald Trump yet, Aunty Doris stated she has already sent the President some of her patented homemade scones “but the fat twat hasn’t even written back about the fucken things yet, for fucks sake, I made the little bastards half-fucken orange, just like his huge fucken head, what’s not to bloody like there.”