The 16 Richest People Of All-Time

 Hi Guyz.

Xavier “X-Man” Jones here.

Hi Guyz.

A lot of people know who the richest people are in the world right now, but their net worths often pale in comparison to the richest people of all-time.

This list of the richest people of all-time represents less than 99.9999999999 percent of the people who have ever lived.

These numbers are adjusted for inflation.

So let’s get started and take a look at the 16 richest people of all-time, starting with number 16:

#16 Bill Gates ($136 Billion)

Bill Gates barely cracks the 1st XV with a paltry 136 billion. Bill made most of his fortune by forcing poor little black children in Africa to buy his shitty Microsoft computers. This is how history will judge Bill Gates.

#15 Cornelius Vanderbilt ($185 Billion)

Cornelius Vanderbilt of the USA got in on the ground floor of shipbuilding in 1776 when aeroplanes were, frankly, in very, very short supply worldwide. Vanders then branched out into railroads and, if you’ll pardon the awesome turn of phrase here, railroaded everyone in America into giving him oodles of money.

#14 Wayne Gunston ($187 Billion)

Incredibly, Wayne Gunston amassed his entire $187 billion fortune by stealing urinal cakes from the Redfern RSL women’s toilets. He then repackaged the disinfectant pucks with a silly little colourful bow ribbon and shipped them off to Africa to be resold as candied snacks.

They are now the single most popular food on the entire African continent.
So how did Wayne get so many millions of urinal cakes out of the Redfern RSL dunnies without being noticed? It’s all in the hair.

#13. Jeffrey Bezos ($189 Billion)

Jeff made his billions by bankrupting awesome fucken bookshops so he could sell bogroll and bottled water online to barge-arsed seppos who need the jaws of fucken life to get from their cars to the front door of fucken Walmart. 

#12 Henry Ford ($199 Billion)

GAHH, fuck, it’s Dobbie’s dad from that Lord of the Rings bullshit.

Something about cars.

Jesus though, just look at this terrifying cunt.

#11 Muammar Gaddafi ($200 Billion)

Muammar Gaddafi led the petrified island state of Libya like a boss for 42 years. Respect through Fear. Reports differ as to how he actually made his money but there are persistent rumours centred around pirate ships, smuggling, the coast of Africa and urinal cakes.

#10 William-the-Conqueror ($223 Billion)

William was the King of England from 1066 when some heavy shit went down. Wills won The Battle of Hatings and to the victor go the spoils. He accrued his enormous fortune in a very simple manner. “I am the King. Pay me or die.”

Easy. Piece of piss. No stuffing around with contracts or oil or messy negotiations or stockmarket guessing. “Death or Cash.”

In later life, William died from full-blown herpes at the age of 22.

#9 Mir Osman Ali Khan ($230 Billion)

Mir Osman Ali Khan’s family held a tremendous amount of wealth. It might today be considered something of a racial stereotype to say the family were in the Persian carpet business but they actually were in the Persian carpet business.

And business went really, really, really, REALLY well for them.

To the tune of $230 billion dollars.

Flying out the door.

Haha, I knew I could work a flying carpet gag in there somehow.

#8 Gene Gunston ($299 Billion)

When queried as to how he managed to amass $299 billion to register as the 8th richest person who ever lived, the man himself was somewhat evasive. Finally, after a seeming eternity of him sitting there and staring into space, Gene Gunston blurted out “sell acid to the gun freaks and sell guns to the acid freaks. And sell chainsaws to everyone.”

Thus spake the 8th richest person who has ever lived.

#7 Nikolai Alexandrovich Romanov ($300 Billion)

Nikolai was the final Emperor in the history of Russia. He was the czar and he was a bastard and he amassed his fortune by using his military to simply kill everyone and take over all their shit. “Piss off, it’s all ours now. All of it.”

Sounds easy when you type it out like that.

Nikky blew his load in 1917 when, in the span of 3 hours and 10 minutes, with one ill-fated war too many, he somehow managed to reduce Russia from being the world’s most thriving empire to an economy equal to that of the Redfern RSL.

#6 Andrew Carnegie ($310 Billion)

New to a budding America, Carnegie, as a 6-year old immigrant, immediately identified the cornerstones of the future economy and invested in them heavily; railroads, oil, steel, brothels and comically-large rubber sex toys.

He had amassed his entire fortune by the time he was just 9 years old and spent the remaining 81 years of his life pissing around down at the pub.

#5 John D. Rockefeller ($340 Billion)

Rockefeller was another flukey prick who lucked his way into oil and railroads in the brand new United States and thus had the entire populace of Jesusland “over a barrel” from the outset, if you’ll pardon the awesome and devastating turn of phrase I just used there.

He died in 1862 and his moustache was buried in a separate ceremony in 1994.

#4 Trevor Gunston ($345 Billion)

Details as to how this one perpetually-drunk bogan from Wollongong managed to acquire $345 billion dollars are sketchy at best.

Some say he still to this day traffics cadaver parts to the Silicon Valley where they are reanimated for use as stock photos on the internet.

Good business if you can get it.

Still others point to multinational petrochemical company payoffs revolving around reenacting a global warming facsimile by having enormous ozone-depleting cook-ups of dead chinamen in the middle of the family quarry.

As for the man himself, all he’s saying is “piss off you cunts, go check what’s in Wayne’s bloody hair.”

#3 Josef Rothschild ($350 Billion)

Josef Rothschild opened lots and lots of banks. People deposited their money in his banks and then Josef turned around and said, “thanks but fuckyuz, I’m keeping all your money so piss off.”

And he did. He just kept everyone’s money. This concludes the story as to how Josef Rothschild acquired $350 billion dollars.

#2 Mansa Musa I ($400 Billion)

Mansa was the emperor of Mali for 25 years in the 1300’s. His family cornered all the wealth in that bumhole desert region of the world. He ruled with an iron fist from Timbuktu all the way to oh who the fuck am I kidding, I know you’re all dying to see who the #1 Richest of All-Time is so without further ado……

#1 Aunty Doris Gunston ($401 Billion)

Yes, the #1 richest person of all-time may come as something of a surprise to a number of you. An even bigger surprise is that this little old lady, Aunty Doris Gunston, actually owns ALL of the oil rigs in the world. And thus, she owns all of the oil. “If I’m not getting it out it’s f**kin’ stayin’ down there” she is fond of saying to visiting Middle East oil baron dignitaries. “Here, have a scone ya ugly ****** **** ******** *****s.”