Wollongong man sought for questioning over permit-less gravedigger.

 –Wollongong Gazette–

Local man Mr Trevor Gunston is being sought for questioning over his operation of a homemade gravedigging machine. The apparatus is assembled entirely from parts believed to have been stolen from Wollongong’s seven Home Centre branches over the course of the last 10 months.

The machine (pictured below) weighs 400 million tonnes and can dig graves at the rate of 280,000 an hour.

“At that rate I can bury every cunt in this shithole town in under ten fucken minutes…”
–Mr Gunston, overheard mumbling as he wandered around the enormous apparatii in search of the machine’s cockpit.

While attempting to cross State Highway 12 (above), Mr Gunston was overheard shouting down to irate motorists from his tiny cockpit “alright, alright, stop honking, you ugly cunts, I can’t find 2nd fucken gear on this thing. What? Virus? What fucken virus?”

When ordered down from the vehicle by local law enforcement agencies, Mr Gunston responded “Come down? Get fucked. It took me three fucken hours to find this fucken cockpit. Three fucken hours! Walked all over this fat fucken cunt looking for this stupid little drivers cab, I did. Come down? Fuck off you litt…” whereupon a hail of empty Victoria Bitter 4.5 litre containers rained down upon the officers.

Similar to the chimes played by an ice cream truck as it makes it’s rounds, Mr Gunston broadcasts a tape over a loudspeaker while piloting his enormous machine. The lyrics are as follows:

“Bring out your dead.
“Bring out your dead.
“Bring out your dead.
“YOU CUNTS!”

Civil Defense authorities were aghast to learn that Mr Gunston’s only means of navigating his giant craft was to ask his pet budgerigar, Morris, who was seated next to him in the cockpit, which way to go. “Where to now, me little chipper?” Gunston was overheard to remark on more than one occasion. “I’ll tell ya Morry, we’re off to dig some graves me old mate, bury some of these cunts good and fucken proper. Although fucked if I know what that bloke was yelling at me about a fucken virus or some shit…”