Wacko Jacko's Bumcrack To Be Exhumed For DNA Analysis.

--USA Today--

The King Of Pop, Michael Jackson, is to have his bumcrack exhumed from his grave by a crack team of scientists in order to test it with DNA analysis. 

"If we find DNA from E.T's space todger still wedged up Wacko Jacko's clacka then we've got that adorable little interstellar rapist bang to fucken rights" said Neverland estate spokesman Mr Tito Jackson.

The King of Pop pictured here with E.T in a file photo from 1982.

"Yeah, E.T's definitely feeling good about bad thoughts in that 1982 file photo..." continued Mr Tito Jackson, Michael's older brother. "Filthy little space wanker. I reckon they'll find buckets of that pervy little space sodomists leftover stiffy DNA still wedged up Jacko's violated clacka. Fucken buckets of it. It might not have even dried yet. Who fucken knows how long it takes for space alien sperm to dry? I certainly don't know. I've never even thought about such a thing to be honest. Hang on, maybe that's why Jacko always wore that white glove? E.T made him wear it and forced Jacko to wipe the spoof off E.T's revolting little space prong after he'd finished raping him. To hide the DNA evidence. Poor Jacko. I reckon we need to exhume the white glove too".

Local Mother Despairs Over Son's Twitter Activity

--NY Times--

A local mother has said she "despairs" over some of her sons grandiose aims as broadcast by the young man on his twitter account.

"I don't know, I just can't help but feel he's overreaching" said Elton's weary mother Mrs Frass. "Just start with small steps, I tell him, then once you have a steady source of income we'll move onto harnessing the moon's gravitational pull to slingshot armageddon upon the ashen faces of the nonbelievers or whatever it is you want to try to get done".

"To be frank, I just wish he'd try to get another job" continued Mrs Frass. "He sits in his bedroom all day on his portable telephone tweeting out all these pie-in-the-sky notions of 'crushing the sun for all eternity with his ashen hands' and what-have-you but, frankly, I just don't think he's fully thought through the logistics of some of these nebular undertakings. He did have a part-time job at Burger King once but the staff all got tired of him constantly making grandiose proclamations about vomiting the wind of Valhalla from angel wings aloft, borne upon the phantom-limbed one-eye of Zeus and so on and so forth and they quietly fired him".