101 Ways To Be Gloomier

Gidday cunts.

Wayne Gunston here.

Now then, down to business. Are you sick of seeing all these happy fucken wankers all over the place? Fuck me, I am. There they are, fucken walking around with a spry spring to their step, smiling, sharing a laugh with their fuckwit friend over this or that, sometimes even waving their hair around in the sunlight as they throw their head back and laugh out loud in broad fucken daylight. Fuck these happy arseholes. You don’t want to mistaken for one of these overbearing cunts with their sunny dispositions and fuckhead kale yoga lattes.

So read along to this helpful lifestyle blog entry entitled 101 Ways To Be Gloomier by me, Dr fucken Wayne Gunston. Let’s get started, miserable cunts.

Avoid Nature.

Getting outside in the fresh air is always a dumb fucken move. Whether it’s driving rain or howling wind or standing in dogshit or some other miserable nature bullshit that befalls you, it is **ALWAYS** a fucken mistake to leave the fucken house. You go outside and oh, look, it’s a dirty great fucking HILL you now have to walk up to get where you were stupidly intending to go. Fuck that shit. Go back inside. Dickhead. This neatly segues us into Point 2…

Fuck Being Active.

Physical activity causes your brain to release dystropical enzymes which can cause heart attacks in your brain. I know this because I’ve been at home all day smoking urinal cakes while sitting on the sofa. So stay on the sofa and watch your usual fucking horseshit on TV in order to avoid these potentially lethal enzymes. See, your breathing has returned to normal. Plus no cunt ever got fucken skin cancer via the sun by whacking it to Days Of Our Lives.

Eat Shit.

Did you know there is a 15% chance that you could reach 90 years of age if you eat seaweed and sip a bird sperm smoothie every morning for fucken breakfast? Wouldn’t that be a treat! Fuck all that shit. Load up on grog and hamburgers and sausies and bikkies. Earth, you will not miss. Fuuuuuuuuck yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

Avoid Positive Cunts.

I simply cannot stress this one enough, you fuckwits. You need to avoid all positive cunts. Their good will and feelgood vibe is Highly Fucking Suspicious, not to mention completely unsustainable as a life-simulating simulacrum. It is also 100% fucken fake. As soon as the doors close these cunts are maudlin old misery-guts just like you. Being a miserable cunt is the natural state of humanity so **AVOID** all fuckwits who glibly and pretentiously pretend to be otherwise. If you’re backed into a corner and find yourself **HAVING** to interact with another human then make sure that the human is a negative cunt. Just like you. They’re you’re fucken people! Thank fuck this cunt is a piece of shit too!

Practice Pessimism.

You’re going to die. Tomorrow will be worse. Cry now, cry later. These are just a few helpful mantras you can repeat to yourself as you have your mid-morning tug. This is something that takes exactly what it’s labeled: practice. Whack and chant. Repeat after me, whack and chant. You can do it! No, you don’t need to be ambidextrous to whack and chant at the same time Trevor you fucken dumbarse. Being pessimistic and negative all the time can seem difficult or unrealistic, but the more we practice, the better we get! Start out with one little thing that tends to annoy or irritate those around you during a given day and make a promise to yourself to try to exploit this discomfort in a negative way. If this insidiously planned negativity seems hopelessly beyond your reach as a budding negative cunt then try waking up each day and saying aloud “thank fuck dozens of cunts will have a shit day today.”

Never Forgive Any Fucker.

Have you ever heard the quote “holding onto anger is like drinking blood while some poor prick in the ICU is waiting for a blood transfusion?” Yeah that’s from Plato so a dumb cunt like you probably wouldn’t know it. This quote holds so much truth. When you hold a grudge and harbour anger for someone or something, it will fuel your negativity like a glowing fucken sun. Every day aim to make your sun burn brighter. The sun is essential to maintain life on earth. Do you want to the sun to go out? If there’s no sun and it’s dark all day you might accidentally drink orange juice instead of grog when you can’t see the label on the bottle. Do you want a life without grog? Think! Fucking think these things through! Actions have consequences. So work on harbouring your grudges, feed them, fuel them, let them burn, pray for fire on the sun.

NEVER Have A Pet.

They’re needy little shits. If I had a pet I would name it “Born Annoying” and tell it to fuck off.

Never Smile.

Smiling is shady as shit. Anyone who smiles at you is either a hippie, a druggie or a pedo. Fuck that shit. Smiling is unrealistic. What does this leering smiley cunt want? Clint didn’t smile once in 18 spaghetti westerns so there’s no fucken reason a dipshit like you should start smiling at randos like there’s a Jim Jones cookout in your pants. Pedo cunt.

Don’t Talk To Any Fucker.

Staying silent is Gloomy Cunt 101. Why fucken bother? Small talk about the weather (shit) telly (shit) family (hopefully near death) is all just a waste of grog-in-mouth time. You didn’t see Clint yakking about fucken petunias and azaleas in his new cabbage patch during any one of his epic 27 spaghetti westerns did you? Dickhead.

Go To Work Then Fucken Die, You Fuckwit.

Stop daydreaming about avoiding the inevitable. Go to work then fucken die. Cunt.

Righto.

“There were going to be 101 ways to be gloomier but I covered the cunt in 10 so get fucked.”
Dr Wayne-o.