–Japan Times–
Japan’s Emperor Naruhito has today awarded his wife of 25 years, Masako, a bronze medal. “Medals are a very popular way of showing exactly where individuals stand in the order of things. So let’s be frank. I get the gold, our daughter gets the silver and old mental Masako gets the bronze.” beamed the 5-foot 2″ monarch.
“3rd place isn’t bad for a mental” continued the Emperor. “At least she’s a placegetter here in our family of three, hahaha. Also, she’s 54 years old so the ‘bronze’ bit is my subtle little way of poking fun at her age. Like, ‘she’s so old she’s from the Bronze Age’, hahaha, fuck I am a funny cunt at times. At all times hahaha.”
Masako’s rope indicates she is in the process of yet another escape attempt from her heavily-guarded fucken castle turret.
“Masako faces mental retard difficulties stemming from her fucked-up brain chemistry which the doctors tell me is the reason she is a nutjob” continued the 4-foot 8″ Emperor. “On our 10th wedding anniversary I presented her with a diamond-encrusted straightjacket. So at least she could look a bit classy and sparkly while she is being a mental. They love shiny shit don’t they? Think I read that somewhere. They’re like starlings. Mental little starlings.”
Masako has responded to her husband’s gift-giving with a pre-prepared statement which read as follows; “I would like to tender my cordial thanks to the Emperor as he has always been kind and has helped me since he forced me to fucken marry him which in turn made me become a mental.”
As to what reciprocal gift royal protocol dictates Masako should give to the Emperor, she has said she may present her husband with “a shiny little tiny pair of shoes with massive fucken 5-inch platform heels so one day the 4-foot tall dwarf pygmy eunuch fuckwit can actually look me in the fucken eye.”
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