New Music Service Courts Tech-Averse Listeners

 –Sydney Morning Herald

A simple new online music service will launch worldwide this week aimed at the millions who like music but struggle with the technology to find and listen to it.

The service, run by budding Australian music entrepreneur Gene “Gene-o” Gunston will offer “about 10 thousand million songs” for dubbing from around “$5 bucks a fucken burl.”

The service, according to Mr Gunston, involves the process of “me making you a fucken mix tape.”

“No Pet Shop Boys, ya fuckin poof.”
– Online Music Mogul Mr Gene Gunston.

“Just give us a call and if I’m not too busy having me mid-morning wank at all hours of the day and fucken night, I might just see fit, after your cheque’s cleared of course, to fire up the old Daewoo twin tape-deck ghetto blaster and dub you a bit of acca dacca on there. Might even put some Cold Chisel on too if I’m feeling charitable and you don’t seem like too much of a smelly whinging foreign cunt.”

“All that ‘download computer click dot fucking com’ bullshit is bloody bullshit” continued Mr Gunston. “Far too tricky when you’re half-pissed. Just give us a call and we’ll hook you up. 10 bucks a tape. Pay up cunt.”

The service, which will carry no advertising, has, according to Mr Gunston, been heavily tested on elder consumers who, statistics show, are those most averse to downloading and computerised music technology in general.

Here is Mr Gunston’s provided transcript of the testing procedure:

Mr Gunston: “Aunty Doris, you want me to make you a fucken mix tape?”
Aunty Doris Gunston: “Just get me another drink you little homo.”
Mr Gunston: “Right you are.”

“Ringing endorsement I reckon!” said Mr Gunston as he emptied the last drops of the sherry flaggon directly into his mouth.

“WHERE’S ME FUCKEN SHERRY?”

“Our low initial prices are designed to attract customers unsure about signing up to new services before they knew how they worked” Mr Gunston said. “Once Wayne gets your credit card number it’s just a matter of siphoning zeroes to our bank account before hang on, what’s that whirring sound, that little thing is recording?, you fu