Study: Teenage Goths Face Potential Depression

–Wollongong Daily Gazette–

The Gunston, Gunston & Gunston Poling Agency have today revealed the findings of their $2.8 million independent study carried out over the last 4 days; teenage goths are more at risk of depression than other teenagers.

A gaggle of teenage goths, meandering lethargically about town, looking ticked off about something or other, as per bloody usual.

“I tried to pole numerous teen goth chicks down by the bus station” said agency spokesman Wayne Gunston. “I asked them specific pole questions such as the following”:

• “Are you a miserable goth?”
• “Why so miserable?”
• “It’s 35 degrees celsius, what’s with all the black get-up?”
• “See those bogs over there? I could make them your happy place.”

“I collated my findings and verified the presentation statisticiii verbally to The Gunston, Gunston & Gunston Poling Agency which was basically just Trevor sitting on the couch in his gruds, half-drunk. Trevor verified my findings in an independent manner, thus legitimising the pole action as 2nd party rendered and from there, once renumeration was complete, I went to work on my own pole action which I have circumspectatorially legitimised as concrete.”

In closing, Mr W.Gunston’s study concluded that “teenage goth chicks should be closely monitored. And also photographed. Yeah, lots of photos”