Sumo champion accused of attempting to eat restaurant patron.

 Friday, 02:06 PM JST

TOKYO

Controversial Sumo grand champion Asashoryu is again in trouble after police reported that the enormous fat bastard attempted to eat a fellow restaurant patron seated at a neighbouring table last week.

Asashoryu: hungry as all-fuck.

Asashoryu, 29, was reportedly “starving” and his table had run out of bread sticks, lard, meat, napkins, chinamen, everything. “I had nothing else to eat” sobbed the 2-tonne fat cunt.

“I couldnt just sit there like a big fat wanker and not eat anything. Eating’s what I do. A sumo that doesnt eat? That’s like a bus that dont go nowhere.”

The Japan Sumo Association said Thursday it will be demanding an explanation from the restaurant as to why Asashoryu’s gaping cakehole was left uncaked for even 1 second.

“We want a report of what actually happened. Once we’ve fully evaluated the situation, we’ll send around some junior boys to block up the restaurant dunnies with archipelago-sized shits. That’ll fix these restaurant-running dickheads for not dealing in food at all times. A restaurant with hungry people, what the fuck is wrong with these arseholes? I might even pop in and lay a massive fucking Yamato of my own” said scowling JSA member Jun Yoshino.

Eyeing the bogs.
– JSA member Jun Yoshino.

Asashoryu allegedly bit the patrons ear, neck, nose, brain and head. The man is reported to have screamed out “not the head, not the head” as waiters pried him free from the sumo’s giant jaws.

Asashoryu is no stranger to controversy. In a 2003 bout he was disqualified for eating the entire head of a junior wrestler, considered a big no-no in sumo. In 2007, he received a two-tournament ban for eating part of a road in Honshu.