Gunston Web Blog Branding 101

 

Gidday, Web Bloggers.

Wayne Gunston here.

Now then, straight down to fucken business.

Does your Web Blog have a brand?

Your Web Blog Brand is a powerful strategy for building your Web Blog Business. Do you even know what a “brand” is you stupid cunt? A brand is some shit like fucken Nike or Starbucks. Do you even know what those brands make? God, you are a stupid fucken bastard. I can see we’re going to have walk your dumb fat thicko arse RIGHT through this whole web blog brand scenario in tiny little fucken pigeon-toed baby steps.

A web blog brand suggests how your company should be perceived and helps you connect with marks I mean customers. Here are some tips to help you facilitate Web Blog Brand Blog Awareness.

Key components of brand identity.

Branding encompasses a few key visual elements that work together you dumbarse.

1. Tone

What’s the voice of your brand like? Is it fun and playful or corporate and serious? Either way, your tone needs to incorporate a LOT of serious insults. People are idiots and need to be reminded of it at regular junctures. It serves to calibrate their neurological homeostasis. This is Brain Science 101, you stupid cunt. We’ve already covered this in Web Blogging Insults 101. Do you have any memory AT ALL of that you thicko Alzheimer’s cunt? ffs.

Effective Web Branding at Work; Exhibit A:

“Oh man, I was feeling pretty good about myself today but I think this wonderfully-branded internet web blog has just reminded me, in piercingly caustic language, that I am a fat useless piece of shit.”

2. Visual style

Look at your brand visuals— do they have a consistent look to them? Well, they shouldn’t. Consistency is boring as shit. Break it up a bit. People are sick of the Nike swooshstika. Throw some dongers in there.

“Wow, I had no idea two huge cocks could be stretched into the shape of a swastika, hahaha.”

3. Copy and language

When your brand communicates with customers, does it always sound the same?

BORING.

Biff some rando swahili in there. Chuck a few gibberish terrorist arab squiggles in too. Keep cunts on their toes.

“Thank God we stumbled across this internet web blog. I had no idea I was a cunt in cyrrilic.”

4. Logo

A good logo creates a lasting impression on people who see it. The more offensive the logo is, the better. Burn that cunt into their retinas. Respect through fear, wankers.

“This huge swastika donger logo is repeated on every page. With little swastika donger logos all down both sides of the page. I am starting to find comically-large nazi cock regalia a comforting presence in my life.”

Righto that’s all the advice for today.

Frankly, that’s more than enough for a thick knobhead like you to handle in one go.

Righto.

-Wayne.

10 Easy Tips For A Happy Life.

Gidday, psychos.

Dr Wayne Gunston here, your friendly neighbourhood happiness counselor.

Not a fucken pedo.

Now then, down to fuckin' business. Are you happy? No? Didn't think so. Miserable looking nutjob like you.

Here are my 10 Easy Tips For A Happy Life.

1. Murder Someone.

Murdering someone has been proven to provide a 35% boost of polyphenol ions via the human preraptor cortex. It is easy to murder someone. Just go outside and bash some fucken pricks skull in. Instant happiness! Get onto it. The recent world population explosion has resulted in an increase in people worldwide so it should be pretty fucken easy



2. Get a tattoo.

"Haha, it's like a design on a t-shirt that I don't like anymore except I can never take it off! Hahaha!"

Every monobrained lemming on the planet has one of these fucking tattoo things. As humans, we are biometrically compelled to assert our uniqueness by being like every other fucking doofus on the planet. It's called "fitting in", dumbarse. Do you want to fit in with humanity and be happy or fucking not? Well, you clicked on this fuckheaded article so there's your fucken answer. So hurry up and get a montage of dog dicks tattooed all over your fucken neck and GET FUCKING HAPPY.



3. Sit In Silence.

No prick likes it when you talk. That's why you're so sad all the fucken time, cos' you keep talking and making other fuckers around you sad with your colossal great negative whinging. So shut up forever and be happy. Dipshit.



4. Eat Healthily.

Eat fruits and vegetables. They will make you happy. Actually, they will make your body happy, meanwhile your brain has a big fucken cry and silently screams for chips and kit-kats. This is known in the Science world as a Body Versus Brain Versus Cock Bermuda Triangle Paradigm. Make the right decision and wank off a cucumber.



5. Make Other People Happy.

See entry #3.




6. Wank Your Way To Happiness.

Tourniquet the turnstile then bash that bishop into oblivion. It's the Wankolympics and you are Carl Lewis on cockoids.

Yes, every day should be a goddamn decathlon of dick. Specifically, yours. Extradite that plaintiff halfway to fucken Fantasy Island and back. How can you hear wee Tattoo giddily yelling "de plane, de plane!" and not think of the wee man whacking his dwarf todger with giddy abandon over the edge of that Bell Tower? HOW?



7. Eat Biscuits.

Biscuits have been scientifically proven to boost polypropylene intake brain manifold receptors by up to 35%. "But aren't biscuits bad for my fat bastard body?" I hear you ask. Look, do you want to be fucking happy or not? Biscuits light up your tiny fucking brain's pleasure receptors. That's Brain Science 101. Is your brain even connected to your stupid body? Or are you some sort of distended Walt Disney cryogenic experiment or something? Splash Mountain all over your mum's birth hatch.




8. Life Is Long.

Derive happiness from the fact that human lives can go on and on for years and years and fucking YEARS. Just think, 5 years from now you might still be alive. If that doesn't make you happy then your life must be shit.

In Executive Summary, a happy life is a lifelong commitment to happiness.

Fuck I'm good. That'll be $50 bucks, thanks wanker.





9. Have Teeth.

Most people have teeth.

At least, a few teeth.

These weird, white, hard, boney tooth thingies can be useful at times. If you show them to other people, those very same people might even think you are happy. God knows how that works. It's like some voodoo shit or something.





10. Do All Of The Above Simultaneously To Reach Peak Happiness.

It is a scientific fact that multi-tasking makes us happy. Therefore, to reach peak happiness, you need to silently wank off Tattoo while also wanking off a cucumber, while also eating a biscuit and simultaneously murdering someone all at the same time.

Hurry up glumpants, do you want to be fucken happy or not?


Righto.

-Wayne.

How To Avoid Unconscious Bias on Zoom.

by Dr Raelene Gunston.

Gidday, dumbshits. Dr Raelene fucken Gunston here, chair of The Department of Liberal Post-Gender Studies at the University of Wollongong. Now then. Let’s get straight down to brass tacks and discuss this highly-offensive patriachal media construct called “Zoom”.

Zoom is a platform which promotes unconscious bias. That much is obvious. It propagates prejudice and stereotypes that are extrapolated from language, symbolism and nonverbal cues. These cues reinforce normative social identities with respect to gender, race, sexual preference, cocks, balls, nutsacks and socioeconomic status. For a further community-based example of one of these cues, my husband Mr Wayne Gunston has a cock like a pool cue but let’s not go there right now.

For a working example of unconscious bias, when the virtual background of a Zoom meeting attendee has pictures of his or her wedding, it unintentionally reinforces the idea that marriage is most fitting between opposite sexes. Therefore, in order to not unconsciously offend minority Zoom participants, this wedding picture needs to be affirmatively action-balanced by the placement next to it of a photo of a 150kg lezzer bull dyke chick.

In fact, even a simple conversational icebreaker on Zoom can be a pathway for reinforcing dominant social norms and identities. In a recent video-conference, we were asked the ‘most fun thing you’ve done with your family during quarantine.’ Participant answers ranged from ‘gardening with my husband’ to ‘dance parties with my family’. While these experiences are valid they can crowd out the experiences of people with minoritized social identities.

Let’s use macro-passive agendered bullet points to notorize these indiscrepencies;

• Not all minorities have a husband.
• Not all minorities have a garden.
• Not all minorities can dance.
• Not all minorities have seen the film “Minority Report” starring Tom Cruise.

I could go on.

• Not all minorities are minors.

Okay, that’s enough for now.

Another working example of unconscious bias in the Zoom diaspora is asking about “fun family things”. Such a microaggressive leading question may prevent cisgender goth trannies on Zoom from publicly reaffirming their cisgender goth tranny identities. This can lead to feelings of isolation and exclusion for those currently identifying themselves as present in the cisgender goth tranny community.

So, what can we do?

Here are some tips on how to mitigate unconscious bias and improve inclusivity.

Use Inclusive Language.

Using inclusive language validates participants’ diversity of experiences, whether that be lezzer, or bull dyke, or mangina positive, or gash taco neutral.

Symbolism.

Be conscious about what your “virtual environment” might symbolize. While virtual backgrounds may be a way for participants to express themselves, it is important to understand who is being excluded and included with these types of actions. If you DON’T have a huge fucken nazi swastika flag behind you, how do you think that makes the local right-wing skinhead fascist community feel? Without their comforting iconography there to make them feel included, this societal subset may feel excluded from the Zoom community, which in turn could potentially lead to feelings of isolation for this particular marginalised cohort.

Okay, I hope these informative tips help you to avoid unconscious bias while you are using the highly fucken offensive patriachal media construct called “Zoom”.

Righto.

–Dr Raelene Gunston.

Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers

 Hello and Welcome to Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers

I am Aunty Doris Gunston and I will be taking care of all your internet stock photo retouching needs here on this fine sunny day in downtown suburban Wollongong.

My actual photo, not an internet
stock photo, you fucken drongo.

Do you have some old internet stock photos that are in desperate need of retouching? Are some of those perfect model families starting to look a bit tired around the edges? The staged smiles of painstakingly happy granddads lilting a bit at the corners? Then you are in the right place, you dickhead!

To follow are just a few “before and after” shots of stock photos we have retouched here at Gu NO GENE, for the last fuckign time I WILL NOT be penciling in ANY more comically-oversized dog dicks into your stray dog rooting scrapbook compendium. We are NOT having the fucken SPCA coming around here again I am so sorry about that, now, where was I, oh yes, some fine examples of work we have done retouching customers treasured internet stock photos:

Before:

After:

Yes, that’s right we turned the stupid toothy hag at the top into Raylene fucken Gunston! Wayne’s fucken wife! Stupid blind Wayne didn’t even notice his wife was 78 years old for the first 18 months then he just said fuckit, she’ll do.

Google SPONSOR:

Before:

What the fuck is this? It doesnt even look real. What camera did they use, a fucken Daewoo MK 00 fucken 1? 

After:

Fixed that shit right up. Just look at the resolution now! Another success story for Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers.

Google SPONSOR:

Before:

Yeah right. Just milliseconds before Dad snaps and kills the whole fucken lot of them and heads straight to the fucken pub. Let’s fix that shit right up.

After:

Way better. Way more realistic. Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers. Fixing photos AND saving lives.

Google SPONSOR:

Before:

FFS. What a mess. This affirmative action bollocks photo is literally on its last legs.

After:

A dab here, a splat there and we are back in the real world! With Gunston Stock Photo Retouchers!

Before:

OMG it’s just so tired and hackneyed and tired and miserable and tired and flat-out fucken desperate. Please Aunty Doris, you say, please can you please weave your retouching magic and rid this photo of its pleading bum-clasping desperation? 

Sure!

After:

A far more realistic representation of a real workplace.

Before:

After:

The more discerning among you, given time, may just be able to spot the retouching that has taken place in Photo 2. Don’t be embarrassed if you cannot spot the difference between either photo! You are not a trained professional!

Righto, if all that doesn’t convince you to overhaul your shitty sad collection of internet stock photos then nothing will. Operators are standing by. Their names are Wayne, Gene, and Trevor. Please speak very, VERY slowly on the telephone.

Good-o.

-Aunty Doris Gunston.

Welcome to Gunston Coronavirus CDC Unit.

 

We are here to answer all your FAQ questions.

We are here to save your fucken life.

$10 a question.

Payment in advance.

Still waiting cunt…

Righto, funds transferred, you may now read the FAQ below to save your fucken life.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a novel coronavirus?

Probably some book or shit. Fucked if I know.

Why is the disease being called coronavirus disease 2019, COVID-19?

Well, what do you want to call it you fussy cunt? Fucken Operation Certain Death? Disney Tits On Ice? Fucken Ballsack Batcock 666?

Why might someone blame or avoid individuals and groups because of COVID-19?

Cos some Chinese wankers still stuck in the fucken medieval Dong Dynasty days thought pangolin semen soup might give them a bit of a fucken stiffy for 8 seconds. That’s fucken why.

How can people help stop stigma related to COVID-19?

Buy ALL their pangolin-bumfucking-a-bat t-shirts from China. Good for their economy!

What is the source of the virus?

I’m no Michelin chef but putting sauce on pangolin semen soup seems a bit fucken redundant to me.

How does the virus spread?

Fuck knows. Maybe like vegemite?

Can someone who has had COVID-19 spread the illness to others?

Why, you fucken got it? You bat-fucking cunt. Stay the fuck away from me.

Can someone who has been quarantined for COVID-19 spread the illness to others?

What the fuck is “COVID-19”? Is that the new Corona virus? Great. Just fucken great. Now there’s two of the fucken things.

Can the virus that causes COVID-19 be spread through food, including refrigerated or frozen food?

You got any pies in there? Fuck I’m hungry.

What is community spread?

It’s wehn you share your vegemite with other cunts

Am I at risk for COVID-19 in the United States?

Oh, fuck no. Hollywood = happy ending.

Has anyone in the United States gotten infected?

Infected with what?

Am I at risk for COVID-19 from a package or products shipping from China?

You got any of that pangolin semen soup? I heard its good for erectile dysfunction. It’s for my friend.

Should I be tested for COVID-19?

Shit no. You’re a lost cause.

Can a person test negative and later test positive for COVID-19?

Why, did you fucken cheat the first time? Lives are at stake here you cheating cunt.

Am I at risk if I go to a funeral or visitation service for someone who died of COVID-19?

Make sure you don’t cum inside the corpse or you’ll get Corona AIDS.

Am I at risk if I touch someone who died of COVID-19 after they have passed away?

If by “touch” you mean “root” then the answer is no. I mean, yes.

What do Funeral Home Workers need to know about handling decedents who had COVID-19?

Don’t cum inside their arses. Finish up on the chest.

My family member died from COVID-19 while overseas. What are the requirements for returning the body to the United States?

gunstonshipping.wixsite.com/ship

What is CDC doing about COVID-19?

What’s it to you? Nosey cunt.

Can I travel to the United States with dogs or import dogs into the United States during the COVID-19 outbreak?

Why, you making some dog-rooting vids? I want in.

Righto, that’s all the FAQ you need.

Good luck you wheezing, sneezing, gasping cunts.

We’ll be seeing you fucken soon.

“Where the fuck is Jeff?” – Pope John Paul III.

–Vatican Weekly–

Pope John Paul III has reportedly alarmed religious figures by today being overheard at a Vatican luncheon mumbling “where the fuck is Jeff?” in reference to recently deceased financier Mr Jeffrey Epstein.

“Fucking hell, I invited the randy cunt here for lunch and the tosser doesnt even fucken show up.”
–His Holiness Pope John Paul III.

The Pope, apparently unaware of Mr Epstein’s recent passing, went on to murmur “damnit, where’s Jeff when I need him, my blue blooded wanger has got the blue balls something real fucken bad here. I need to get my cassocked cock back on the Lolita Express and back to Kiddiefuck Island for a fix of altar boys and vestibule virgins. Shit man, does this cashed-up pedo kingpin ever fucking return calls?”

“Didnt you hear me shithead, I said WHERE THE FUUUUUUUUUCK IS JEFFRRREEYYYYYYYY?”

Gunston Web Blogging NEWSLETTER

 

“Log off that highly addictive dog-rooting website for five fucking minutes and GET FUCKIN’ BLOGGING, you deadbeat millenial shithead!”

Writing captivating headlines for your boring fucken Web Blog is an art and a necessity. Follow these tips for more powerful headlines.

Seven Ways to Write Titles That Stand Out:

1. Use the words “dog” and “porn” or any combination thereof in the fucken headline.

2. Use “15 Ways To…” in the headline. That whole “57 Ways to blah blah” malarkie gimmick is fucken clickbait mania.

3. Use “15 Ways To…” in the headline in tandem with the words “dog” AND “porn”. You’ll break the fucking internet.

4. use a FUCKING HUGE font size

5. change colours abruptly

6. #7

“Wow, those dogs are really going at it!”

Get a Custom Gunston Domain for Your Website.

When you upgrade your wordpress.com.gunston.web.blog plan, you get a FREE uber ride in the back of Trev’s ute to ANYWHERE in the greater Wollongong area!*

*conditions apply

*must be raining.

Upgrade your plan NOW, you hopeless fuckwit!

Gunston Blogging PROTIP:

A Foreign Wanker Spotlight

A “Foreign Wanker Spotlight” is a great way to blog about those different looking wankers you might occasionally see walking about the fucken place looking like lost fucken foreign drongos.

Talk to a foreigner while touching them at the same time. It breaks the ice and makes them feel wanted. Who knows, you might get a root and finally have something to fucken blog about. They don’t all have nits you know, you racist fuckwit.