The Handmaid’s Tale Sweeps Comedy Awards

 –USA Today–

The light heartfelt romantic comedy “The Handmaid’s Tale” has made a clean sweep of all the light comedy awards at the Golden Globes TV Awards Ceremony.

“LOL.”

Following are the full list of awards the groundbreaking comedy won along with annotated comments from lead judge Mr Harvey Weinstein;

Best Public Hanging Scene in a Light Cosplay Period Comedy.

“Was totally whacking it to this scene.”

Best Institutionalised Denigration of All The Homosexuals in a Light Comedy TV Series.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate the fags but if it’s for art it’s ok.”

Best Use of Canned Laughter in a Light Family TV Comedy.

“It really set the mood for the lengthy periods of solitary confinement.”

Best Performance by a Cosplay Rapist in a Light Comedy TV Series.

“I felt so real, like I was right there next in line.”

Best Use of Casual Misogyny in a Cosplay Comedy TV Series.

“It’s not easy to make hating women so seamlessly effortless but they really nailed it here. Haha, ‘nailed””

Best Emotional Manipulation Of A Slut in a Light Comedy TV Series.

“A masterclass in mindfuckery. Easy choice in this category this year.”

Best #Metoo Manfuck by The Patriachy in a Light Comedy Talk Show.

“Confession time; this whole heartfelt light comedy family drama gave me such a stiffy that I invented this whole motherfucken category just for this year #blow_me.”

Best Patriachal Realisation of Latent Utopian Mindfuck Fantasies in a Light Comedy Period Drama.

“They’ve realised a fantastic vision for the future of humanity.”

Best Performance by A Ho Who Was Probably Asking For It Anyway In A Light Comedy Cosplay Drama.

“Location; Fap City Limits. Population; Me.”

Best Unrelenting Misogynistic Cruelty Towards Sluts in a Light Cosplay Comedy. 

“It just never let up! I love how they doubled down on the fun.”

Best Final Solution for The Womenfolk in a Light Comedy TV Series.

“I wish all the light comedy dramas had such a clear vision of the future.”

Best Archival SpankBank Potential in All of Television.

“This will be the gift that keeps on giving down the years, wanking-wise.”

Anton’s Restaurant Capitalises On Climate Crisis

–AP Press–

World-renowned restaurant “Anton’s” have announced they are going to pounce on the climate change catastrophe as a “business opportunity” and proceed to procure animals from the rapidly-thawing arctic circle for their kitchen as these endangered animals no longer have a surplus of snow and ice in which to hide.

“We’ll find you, you fat freezing fucking little shitheads.”
–Anton.
https://antonsrestaurant.wixsite.com/animals

The Michelin 5-star eatery has long been at the forefont of cutting-edge cuisine with an international menu boasting exotic delicacies such as Flambed Vietnamese Goat Cock Kebab and Exploded Welsh Porcupine Nutsack Soup.

“Are you fucken laughing at me cunt? Or is that a frozen cry for help? Either way, #seal_stew.”

“You can’t just sit out there forever you fat useless blimp. So just swim the fuck over here and get in the fucking pot.”

“I don’t even know what the hell you are, fuzzy little wanker, who cares, in the fucken pot you go.”

Related Articles: https://antonsrestaurant.wixsite.com/animals

Japan Prime Minister Gripped By Hallucinations.

 –Japan Today–

Reports are filtering through that Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe is today in the grip of some sort of raging brain hallucinations.

“Yes, Mr Emperor. I will attack China immediately and bomb all their shit right the fuck back to the Ming Cunt Dynasty. Yes, Your Majesty. Right away, Your Majesty.”

In what looks to be an eerily similar case to that suffered by his predecessor Naoto Kan spraguedawley.com/japanese-politician-forms-shadow-cabinet/ Abe has seemingly taken complete and utter leave of his senses.

“No, Your Majesty. The giant stupid hat you are wearing today does not make you look short, Your Majesty.”

“No, Your Majesty. We still cannot find the Shadow Cabinet. We believe it to still be in the shadows somewhere, Your Majesty.”

Japan Prime Minister’s Hallucinations Continue On Into The Night.

–Japan Times–

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s hallucinations appear to be showing little sign of unabatment as they now move into hour 12.

“No, Your Majesty. Everything has not gone yellow. Although such a racial slur is still occasionally inferred upon our people in regards to the colour yellow, your mind is not playing tricks on you, Your Majesty. I believe this distinct hue to be merely in relation to the commencement of nightfall here in the Bonsai Cunt Kingdom.”

“No, Your Majesty. Neither of us have suddenly shrunk in physical size. We are still titans of all that we survey. In fact, if I may be permitted a brief aside, Your Majesty, as we are both mammals of the humanoid persuasion, we have remained roughly the same size and general dimension since the completion of puberty. Perhaps this current visual aberation could be some sort of optical illusion in our mind’s eye, Your Majesty. Yes, your Royal Excellency, I shall summon The Royal Ophthalmologist at once, Your Royal Highness.”

“Yes, Your Majesty, we do appear to be suddenly noticeably larger in this dimension. Perhaps it would be an opportune juncture to take advantage of this sizeable expansion in bodily dimensions and resume the push through Manchuria? Yes, Your Majesty, I agree. In keeping with your Imperial Decree, I shall conscript all able-bodied men commencing at 0600 tomorrow to resume the annexation of Greater Manchuria.”

Prime Minister Sent To His Room Without Any Supper.

 –Toronto Times–

A small child visiting the Canadian Parliament on a guided tour has tonight sent the Canadian Prime Minister to his room without any supper. “I discovered that the individual in question was quietly disobeying climate change emission protocols which left me with little recourse other than to banish him to his room without any supper” said the stern little 12-year old girl.

“You know, maybe I could renegotiate the terms of my room confinement and perhaps possibly be permitted a light supper of a biscuit or tw
“NO BISCUITS. ROOM. NOW.”

Japanese Wartime Unit 731 Doctors Commandeer Virus-Stricken Cruise Ship.

 –Japan Today–

With a view to resuming their wartime biological experiments on live Chinese cadavers, the infamous Japanese Unit 731 doctors have today commandeered the Coronoavirus-infected cruise ship currently quarantined in Yokohama Bay.

Unit 731 was the covert base for the Japanese military to conduct gruesome medical experiments on live Chinese subjects during WWII. The very existence of the Unit was categorically denied by the Japanese government until as late as 1998.

“FFFFFFUUUUCKKKK YEEEEAAAHHHHH YOU BATFUCK CUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTS.”
The Unit 731 Crew seen here boarding the SS Coronavirus cruise ship in Yokohama Bay.

“I am fucking elated!” said Dr Kitano Masaji, current Professor Emeritus of Tokyo University Medical School and former Unit 731 Director of Sub-Zero Bubonic Bumcrack Activities.

“I can hardly wait to sprint from cabin to cabin looking for live chinamen into whom I can shove my turkey baster laden with bubonic fleas!” shrieked Dr Kitano. “Right up the fucken clacka baby! Hold still you wang fuck, this won’t hurt a bit! For fucks sake, hold still you batsoup-mad cunthead!”

“Hold my turkey-basters you cunts, I need to knock one out right fucken now.”
–Dr Kitano.

Dr Ryoichi Naito, current head of The Green Cross blood bank and former Head Doctor of Unit 731’s infamous Facial Bonesaw Division added “this is the greatest day of my motherfucking life since 1945. Finally we get to resume our crucial scientific research on the live chinamen. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide this time, you batfucking chumps! Look buddy, I’m 107-years old, how do you think I still look 55? Live chinamen embryo grafts! Once a fucking week for the last 70 years! My cryogenic freezer is running dangerously low though and it is motherfucking perfect timing with this dead duck cruise ship just sitting here, stuck right here in Yokohama Bay, full of chinese mongrels just sitting there waiting to be sawn up, skullfucked, bled dry, and then eventually executed and deep-frozen. God bless We the Chosen Sons of Yamato!”

“COMFORT WOMAN CORPSE
ALL UP ON MY COCK, BABY!

–Dr Naito.

Shirō Ishii, Unit 731 Director, co-founder of Japan’s first blood bank in 1951 and Japan’s current Tenured Minister of Health stated “I too am now 107 years old and with a dwindling supply of cryogenically stored chinamen placentiii to keep me alive. I greatly look forward to boarding that fat fuck ship and resuming the bubonic plague arse-basting and frozen erection carving and live subject skull-drilling and all sorts of other crucial medical experiments purely conducted for the benefit of We, the uniquely pure and harmonious Japanese race.”

“Oh SHIIIIIT, you could use my goddamn stiffy as a rudder for this stupid fucken tugboat, GET ME ON THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHIP RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”

-Dr Ishii.

National Lollipop Day No Picnic For One Local Man.

 –Wuhan Times–

Here on Wuhan’s annual National Lollipop Day, a local man has been forced into eating a raspberry-flavoured lollipop despite raspberry being a lollipop flavour he despises.

“It’s National Lollipop Day you stupid cunt, you have to eat the fucking lollipop.”

“That fussy cunt” said a National Lollipop Day spokesman. “We’re snowed under here with this fucken death virus quarantine bullshit and yet we’re kindly and benevolently still going ahead with National Lollipop Day and hello, this spoiled fuckwit is holding out for a tangerine peach-flavoured lollipop or some bullshit? Raspberry’s good enough, you precious dickhead. Lollipops don’t grow on trees you know, Little Emperor, so just be thankful for what you get. Fucken spoiled wanker.”

Japan demands A-Bomb apology from President Trump

 –TOKYO–

Japan has urged President Trump to apologize for the U.S. atomic bombings when he visits Japan next. The Commander-In-Chief visited Japan just recently but declined to issue a formal written apology for a-bombing Japan’s nutsacks back to the motherfucking Stone Age a few years back.

Community Sponsor: Have Your Say!

http://www.japan-war-apology.proboards.com/

“FUCK YOUUU GAIJIN TRUMP,
WHERE IS MY WAR SORRY?”
–local MP Mr Kamei.

“Japan Army, I mean, Japan Friendly Aid Unit, was working their way through Asia in 1940’s, spreading good cheer and food parcel” said Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, “when suddenly, in 1945, news comes through from back home that violent war criminal americans have dropped murderous and potentially lethal atomic bombs all over our mum’s dogs nuts. What the fuck, USA? Cock is meat murder all over our groin gristle.”

“Which one of you big-nosed gaijin freak war criminal terrorist cocksuckers is the Trump? ANSWER ME.”

“There we were, 1945, minding our own business” continued Abe, “having a good old sing-a-long in Burma, Japanese tea brewing on campfire, live chinaman roasting over an open fire, when hello, we get news from home that ballsacks have gone nuclear, testi’s are radiation glowing all over the town, dicks are on fire, and bumcracks are melting all up and down the main drag. What the fuck, USA? Give peace a chance!”

…therefore, here in makeshift Japanese Hague, I today pronounce that you are all GUILTY of war crime against Japanese Imperial Army I mean Japanese Imperial Aid Unit.”

“Just working our way through Manchuria” continued Abe, “giving aid to needy dogbreed ching-chong citizens, handing out free chopsticks to those smelly cross-eyed rickshaw motherfuckers, instructing them on the finer points of Japanese bukkake queue etiquette, when, what the fuck USA, a blinding light in the sky and suddenly Code Red, mum’s cock has gone thermonuclear. What the fuck, America? If you want complimentary chopsticks, just ask for the fucken things!”

“We stop by with free complimentary chopsticks for friendly Pearl Harbour barbeque in 1940’s and you repay us 4 years later with nuclear detonation? What the fuck, America? SAY SORRY 4 WARRR.”

“My Grandfather Kishi and Uncle Tojo were having a peaceful game of mahjong in parlour” continued Abe, “when suddenly bright nuclear burst and grandfather and uncle are both whisked off to War Tribunal Committee and strung up by their nuts before sundown. For what, America? For what! Are you implying Uncle Tojo cheated at mahjong? He was man of honour! Trump USA must apologize not only for A-Bomb murders but also apologize for impeaching honour of Uncle Tojo as serious mahjong competitor.”

“Drinks and refreshments will be served in the foyer afterwards. Thank you.”

WE ARE THE GUNSTON SS CORONAVIRUS UNIT 731 CLEAN-UP CREW.

Gidday valued passengers, WE ARE THE GUNSTON SS CORONAVIRUS UNIT 731 CLEAN-UP CREW.

When the Unit 731 boys recently commandeering your SS Coronavirus cruise ship in Yokohama Bay https://spraguedawley.com/japanese-wartime-unit-731-doctors-commandeer-virus-stricken-cruise-ship/ they needed someone to clean up the mess of distended limbs and howling experimental fuckups and that’s when they called in the best name in the clean-up business: GUNSTON.

So, if you’re on the ship and reading this then bust out those wallets and purses you stingy old rich wankers and get fucken shopping! Your life could depend upon it!

BUY OUR SHIT!

Dead? Alive? Give the simpering sook a poke with this pronged thingie and find out.

50 bucks. O.N.O.

Decontamination Unit and adjacent paddling pool.

10 bucks.

Portable DJ rig. For entertaining dying passengers. The loud music also serves to help drown out the last breathless cries for help from really completely fucked-up passengers.

Free. (it sounds like shit.)

Want to cop a feel of some half-dead old biddy? Slip on this Doc’s robe and you’ve got the perfect alibi.

10 bucks. Ya pervy cunt.

Alleviate the misery of the surrounding death and despair by having a huff on this laughing gaHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

50,000 bucks. O.N.OHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

“Penetration team?” You’d be a rude pervy fucker!

Even wheezing dying fuckers like a letter from the postie.

5 bucks a letter.

Emergency beer silo. Half-dead? Get on the piss!

$8,000.

Relieve the tension aboard your shrieking ship of death by donning this comically stupid party costume! Bloody hilarious! Life of the party!

Dead cunt? Bag it and tag it, Danno.

Charge it to the cadaver’s card! Hahaha

Has the old fucker in your cabin gone and carked it? Give him the send-off he deserves!

Enough space in there for 1 dead cunt to stretch his legs out all cosy-like.

If the bloke’s just in bits after the Unit 731 boys had a burl this unit will hold up to 130 kg of assorted loose limbs.

10 bucks.

3 dead cunts.

3 for 1, ten bucks.

Perfect alibi to pickpocket half-dead pricks.

Are those dying screams really getting on your tits? This will shut her up!

200 bucks.

Tripping over limbs? Chuck em’ in here!
(doubles as budget-price beer silo)

2 bucks.

Or, special deal, 5 for 10,000 bucks.

Righto, that’s all the shit we’ve got at the moment, we’ll see you soon!

Fuck the rest, buy the best, GO GUNSTON!